Planetarion Forums - Older-than-dust joke

Muslim · 11 Mar 2003, 15:07

if you havent heard this one, well you must be a 7 year old who pisses its pants while sleeping

so there is this guy descartes on a cafe, waiting to be served.
then the waiter comes and asks
-would you like a cup of coffee?
-I think not
*pffft* and disapppears

MrL_JaKiri · 11 Mar 2003, 15:07

Why did the chicken cross the road?

TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

JonnyBGood · 11 Mar 2003, 15:12

Mark, your punchline should have been to escape the utter banality of this thread.

MrL_JaKiri · 11 Mar 2003, 15:15

Robert mugabe's an ok sort of bloke, I mean, talk about not hurting a fly, he wouldn't

post in this thread.

Grimble · 11 Mar 2003, 16:56

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved clowns. I mean LOVED them. He had posters of them all over his wall and pictures of them everywhere.
One day his parents took him to the Circus to see all of the clowns. He was so excited! He never saw one up close before! In the middle of the show, a tiny little car came out and out came 20 clowns! He was cheering so loud he couldn't speak for a couple minutes. Just then, the Leader of the Clowns took a microphone and asked for a volunteer. Billy raised his hand and shouted ''Me! Me!'' The clown looked around and said ''You!'' as he pointed at Billy. He was so happy!

Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown looked down at him and asked, ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy said ''No...'' ''Are you the horse's ears?'' ''No...'' Then the clown got an evil look in his eye as he said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' The whole tent shook with laughter, and Billy cried his eyes out. He couldn't believe a clown made fun of him like that! He swore revenge!

Billy grew up, he went to college, got a job, got married, and had a few kids, but still never forgot what that clown did to him. One morning he saw an ad in the paper for the same circus, and decided to go. He knew the PERFECT insult to get him back! When he told his wife and kids he was going his kids asked if they could goto the circus with him. He calmly said ''No. Daddy has something he needs to do there.'' In the middle of the show, a little car came out and out came about 20 clowns. The crowd cheered, except for Billy. The Leader of the Clowns took a microphone. It was the same Clown! Billy was so excited that he could now get revenge!

The clown asked for a volunteer. Billy calmly raised his hand. The clown picked him! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown said ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy stayed calm and said ''No.'' The clown asked ''Are you the horse's ears?'' Billy replied ''No.'' Then the clown said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!''

Billy knew his time had come. As the crowd laughed and everyone cheered, his anger grew. Now was the time for revenge. He looked deep into the clown's eyes and said...

lol

10th Man Down · 11 Mar 2003, 16:57

lol

pld?

LHC · 11 Mar 2003, 16:58

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

10th Man Down · 11 Mar 2003, 17:07

What's red and not there?

No blood. I BET YOU THOUGHT IT WAS NO TOMATOES AHAHAHAHAHA

LHC · 11 Mar 2003, 17:08

That's because the answer is no tomatos!

deerbarn · 11 Mar 2003, 17:12

There was this bloke called John who really loved tractors, i mean talk about lovng them he had posters all over his walls and lots and lots of tractor videos.

One day John went to a farm to watch some tarctors and one of them ran him over! The poor boy ended up in hospital for a 2 years in a coma. When he came out of hospital he took down all the pictures from his walls and decided to get himself a life.

So out he went to a local bar. Once in the bar he got talking to this nice busty woman. Talk talk talk, chat chat chat. Then all of a sudden the smoke machine in the bar started going wrong! The whole bar filled up with smoke and the poor woman couldnt breathe! John said to his lady friend 'Watch this' and all of a sudden took a huge breath breathing in all the smoke from the room. John then stepped outside and breathed out. 'Wow' said johns lady friend 'How did you do that?' Well said John its simple

IM AN EX TRACTOR FAN

10th Man Down · 11 Mar 2003, 17:24

Quote:

Originally posted by deerbarn
There was this bloke called John who really loved tractors, i mean talk about lovng them he had posters all over his walls and lots and lots of tractor videos.

One day John went to a farm to watch some tarctors and one of them ran him over! The poor boy ended up in hospital for a 2 years in a coma. When he came out of hospital he took down all the pictures from his walls and decided to get himself a life.

So out he went to a local bar. Once in the bar he got talking to this nice busty woman. Talk talk talk, chat chat chat. Then all of a sudden the smoke machine in the bar started going wrong! The whole bar filled up with smoke and the poor woman couldnt breathe! John said to his lady friend 'Watch this' and all of a sudden took a huge breath breathing in all the smoke from the room. John then stepped outside and breathed out. 'Wow' said johns lady friend 'How did you do that?' Well said John its simple

IM AN EX TRACTOR FAN

Fixed it for you.

"Great Books" is a really boring class :-\

Deathjam · 11 Mar 2003, 17:30

what did batman say to robin b4 they got in the car?

get in the car robin

Structural Integrity · 11 Mar 2003, 17:34

It's yellow and it hurts when you try to swallow it?

A bulldozer

Christian · 11 Mar 2003, 23:30

To tomato's were crossing a street, one got ran over by a car, and the other screamed:

THAT WAS ABOUT ****ING TIME YOU LAMEARSE TOMATO, **** YOU, YOU WERE ALLWAYS ****E, TONIGHT I WILL BE ****ING YOUR WIFE AND PISSING ON YOUR GRAVE YOU WORKING CLASS **** !

Deffeh · 11 Mar 2003, 23:41

this thread made me laugh heartily

cookiemay · 11 Mar 2003, 23:52

What is a total waste of f*cking time?

THIS THREAD

Deffeh · 11 Mar 2003, 23:57

Jack and Jill entered Yahoo chat
Jill says hi
what does jack say?

asl

cookiemay · 11 Mar 2003, 23:59

Quote:

Originally posted by Deffeh
Jack and Jill entered Yahoo chat
Jill says hi
what does jack say?

asl

Shouldnt it be AOL

Xillah · 12 Mar 2003, 03:57

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

Humphrey

Kurashima · 12 Mar 2003, 04:30

This thread is a living testament to how **** some people on GD are.

Even Nod has enough self respect not to post a crap joke here.

Hosie · 12 Mar 2003, 04:53

Once upon a time in a state far far away there was a train conductor who took his job very seriously. Now one day he was walking through one of the carriages asking people for their tickets when one of the passengers admitted that he had none. Seeing this infuriated the train conductor and as a result he picked the man up and violently threw him out of the train thus resulting in the mans horrible and gory death. The other passengers in the train were flabergasted (sp?)and upon arrival at the train station they reported the train conductors action to the police.

The police arrived and subsequently arrested the train conductor. He stood trial and was sentenced to death by electric chair.

While in jail the conductor spent most of his time knitting and reading books. His favourite was Catch 22, although Lord of the Flies came a close second. After several months had passed it was finally time for his execution to occur. The priest came to visit the conductor in his cell to make sure that the prisoner had made his peace with God prior to being executed and to offer the man one last wish.

The conductor thought about it then said "for my last wish I would love to drink the sweet juice of a Wai Kiki coconut. I have heard it is absolutely delicious." The priest thought this to be a reasonable request and granted it. Little did he know, however, that the Wai Kiki conconut only grows on the remote island of El Salvador in the Bahamas. But the wish was already granted so he had to fulfil it.

A prison guard was sent to El Salvadore to go and retrive a Wai Kiki coconut. Upon his arrival however, he was dismayed to discover that not only was the Wai Kiki coconut limited to this small island but there was only actually one Wai Kiki coconut tree in existence which was heavily guarded by some native Bahamians The Guard gritted his teeth and decided to approach these hostile looking natives, only to find that they were more then helpful. They told him exactly what he needed to know. Unfortunately, however, the guard was informed that he had arrived on this little remote island during the wrong season and would have to come back in 6 months time, when the Wai Kiki coconut would be ready for picking. The Guard sighed hopped on his boat and sailed back to Australia destined to return in 6 months time.

In the meantime, the conductor continued to sew and read books, and over time had grown very fond of Jane Austin novels. He had read them all religiously, but unfortunately the prison didn’t stock all of her novels and he had to get the prison warden to order some more in. By the time the new books arrived the prison warden was getting ready to set sail back to the Bahamas.

The prison warden hopped on his boat and set sail once more towards El Salvadore. This time he had arrived during the correct season and he promptly straddled the coconut tree and began to steadily climb it. Once he reached the top he noticed one lone little Wai Kiki coconut and carefully plucked it from between the cradle of the palm leaves. He slowly started to climb down when suddenly a rather vicious looking wasp appeared. Now the prison guard was terrified of bees and wasps, and was in fact getting treatment from a local MD to try cure him of this phobia. He began to violently sway his arms in a swatting motion to try deter the wasp’s approach. Unfortunately, however, this action resulted in him losing his grip from around the tree trunk and he ended up crashing to the ground with a tremendous THUD! Because the Wai Kiki coconut was lighter it took a little longer to fall, but in the tradition of all other good coconuts it fell smoothly and freely landing right on the guards head, shattering into shards of coconut schrapnel and knocking the guard unconscious.

After about half an hour the guard came to, looked at the broken coconut laying beside him and shook his head. He spent some time bemusing the fact that the phobia treatment wasn’t working and vowed to end the treatment upon his arrival to Australia. He then finally got up, shook his head and set sail back to Australia as only one Wai Kiki coconut sprouts each year.

Back in the cell the conductor had since got very bored with Jane Austin (who could blame him) and books in general and had now taken up playing cards, just to pass the time. The only problem was that because he was confined to an individual cell he had no one to play cards with and ended playing different variations of solitaire, until he found out about a game called FreeCell (what a revelation, for him it was the best thing since sliced bread!

A year passed (and boy oh boy did the conductor become a kick ass free cell player...he could have represented Aus in the Freecell League if it wasn’t for his incarceration). The Prison guard yet again departed for the Bahamas, except this time he took a plane...just to be different. So he arrives on El Salvador and to his pleasure there was the Wai Kiki coconut just hanging there waiting to be plucked. This time he took no chances (after all if he failed again he would probably lose his job) so he hired a crane from ACME Construction Co. (who were building the nearby roundabout) attended two weeks of coaching on how to operate the thing and set off to retrieve this very troublesome coconut. He attached a big padded basket, and a motorised pair of scissors to the cranes arm, turned it on and positioned it perfectly. he then slowly flicked a switch which sent an electrical pulse to the motorised scissors which subsequently cut the coconut lose and sent it plumeting into the basket. The guard then lowered the crane and set sail back to Australia, congratulating himself on his ingenuity.

Upon arrival at the prison he handed over the precious Wai Kiki coconut to the priest who then passed it on to the the conductor, who in turn drank the succulent juice. Now that the conductor’s last wish was fulfilled it was time to proceed with the execution. They strapped him into the electric chair and pulled the lever. Sparks went flying all round the room but the conductor survived! Astounded the priest walks up to him and asks “is the juice of the Wai Kiki coconut so magical that it saved your life??” the conductor replied

“No I am just a bad conductor”

Golin · 12 Mar 2003, 06:14

My brother

farted

MrL_JaKiri · 12 Mar 2003, 09:50

The best joke on this thread is that dust quite often isn't very old

seventh · 12 Mar 2003, 11:28

there was once this guy who needed to travel four hundred miles with 4p to his name, so he decided he would bunk bus and train fares. he managed to get to the 399th mile when he got caught by a rather large bus conductor...

he was put in prison for 6 months and had the normal £1000 fine for travelling without a valid ticket for the entirety of your journey.

nobody said it was a joke

Deffeh · 12 Mar 2003, 17:10

comedy

i vote "get in the car robin" for best GD joke ever

NotLife · 12 Mar 2003, 17:15

what is this all about?

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