User Name
Password

Go Back   Planetarion Forums > Non Planetarion Discussions > General Discussions

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 17 Feb 2005, 21:47   #1
Sarina_Joy
Twisted
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Down with the sickness
Posts: 2,484
Sarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriend
How do you tell your mother....

How do you tell your mother that you didn't think your Dad was perfect?

My father died in 1998. My mother has been suffering from periodic bouts of depression since. She was on anti-depressants for a while, then came off them, then went back on them, then came off them again. A few months ago she was told by the doctor that she should go back on them again. She doesn't want to go back on to medication so instead she has started seeing a psychiatrist once a week to try to get to the root of her depression.

Now, she always said she was lonely and missed Dad. My brother and I rather cynically didn't really believe this was the problem because quite frankly they didn't have a good life together. Not my idea of a good life anyway. They spent little or no time together. My Dad was by no means an alcoholic but if he did take a drink he didn't know when to stop. He used to roll into the house pissed as a fart, sometimes singing, sometimes swearing at noone in particular, sometimes swearing at us.

The problem is that since he died Mum has hoisted him up on a pedestal from which he cannot fall. While I understand this from my mothers point of view I cannot do the same. In time since he died my brother and I have become less and less able to talk to my mother about Dad, or even mention his name, because if we do not paint a saintly picture of him my Mum goes off her nut at us saying that we 'shouldn't talk about Dad like that'. It's not that we say he was a bad person, we simply talk of him as we remember him, both with fondness and with disdain.

Do not misunderstand me, I loved my father and I was incredibly upset when he died, but I remember him as he was, both his good and bad points, something which my Mum seems unable to do. While I would love to be able to tell my Mum that he was exactly as SHE remembers, I can't bring myself to do so, and my brother feels more strongly than I on the issue.

My problem now is thus - my Mum visited the psychiatrist today and he wants her to talk to ME about why my brother won't talk about Dad (apparantly I am more open than my brother :|) My problem is - what do I say? I see no point in lying because if I do so the problem will persist. So I have to tell the truth. So how do I tell my Mum that Dad wasn't a great dad without making matters worse?! :\
__________________
Me


In my sleep I grind my teeth.
Sarina_Joy is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 17 Feb 2005, 21:57   #2
Yahwe
I am.
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 6,580
Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Yahwe has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.
Re: How do you tell your mother....

people believe in others. through believe they become ideals of themselves. after long enough this belief is forged as a talisman.

when that talisman dies it can be hard for non-believers (if i can crassly term them so) to understand. the human spirit is a truly wonderful thing. your mother did not lose the man you knew.

she lost the man she had forged as a talisman for herself. who is to say which man was real?

she will feel great great pain with the loss of her idea of him. comfort as you can. remember that she will want to talk about your father a lot. i have widowed friends and the strongest, most fun and whole ones are the few who talk incessantly of their lost husband.

if you talk about him, admittedly as she saw him not as you saw him, then she will forge the talisman a new. you may think her ideal of him when he was alive was wrong, perhaps it was, but if you wish her to go on you must help her maintain this ideal
__________________
hi
Yahwe is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 17 Feb 2005, 22:02   #3
SilverSmoke
Guy next door
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 4,745
SilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so littleSilverSmoke contributes so much and asks for so little
Re: How do you tell your mother....

I know it sounds like the easy way to reply to this kind of question, but I think it's best to not lie about it, actually I think you should explain your feelings about the issue to her the way you explained it here. Be sure to be open about the points where you feel like hurting your mother, show her that you have problems being honest to her but be honest nevertheless. It might hurt her on short term but it might also give her a more realistic view on the issue on the longer term and it might even make things better for her on the long term..

(Ofcourse, I don't know your mother at all)

My father died as well, but my mother got over it relatively quickly but then he was an alcoholic and manic depressed.
__________________
..look
SilverSmoke is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 09:59   #4
xtrasyn
Lonely analytic
 
xtrasyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,390
xtrasyn has much to be proud ofxtrasyn has much to be proud ofxtrasyn has much to be proud ofxtrasyn has much to be proud ofxtrasyn has much to be proud ofxtrasyn has much to be proud ofxtrasyn has much to be proud ofxtrasyn has much to be proud ofxtrasyn has much to be proud of
Re: How do you tell your mother....

Tricky....

I have great belief in the statement that everyone feels his own feelings, and good communication is based on respecting that.

You can say to her that you understand her vision of your dad but that you all had different lives in respect to him, and therefore can not share the same view. Apart from that everybody is entitled to their own view.

I think I wanted to be more helpful than I was :/
__________________
For real
xtrasyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 10:56   #5
roadrunner_0
cynic
 
roadrunner_0's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Bishop Auckland Co. Durham
Posts: 8,809
roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.roadrunner_0 has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.
Re: How do you tell your mother....

the problem there is, if she doesn'y like what she hears is it going to help at all, or is she just going to end up falling out with you
__________________
lazy
roadrunner_0 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 10:58   #6
madi
a little bit broken
 
madi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,405
madi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better placemadi single handedly makes these forums a better place
Re: How do you tell your mother....

if it was me
i would be honest but gentle
__________________
i came, i saw, i made a bit of a mess
madi is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 11:38   #7
KaneED
Motherfracker
 
Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 2,985
KaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond reputeKaneED has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you tell your mother....

You should definitely tell her what you think, she's your mum, she won't hate you for it.

Maybe you should emphasize that although you didn't always see your dad favourably, you always loved him and wouldn't have wanted another father, no matter his faults.

Also, this might go down badly, you might say that remembering your dad in a way that wasn't him, doesn't do his memory justice. People are who they are, and they are loved and etc because of that, not because they were perfect people to be revered and put on a pedastal.
KaneED is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 12:02   #8
hyfe
Dum Di Dum Di
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 858
hyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet society
Re: How do you tell your mother....

If it's possible, it might be a good idea to have that talk with the shrink present. As far as I've understood, some of the things they actually are good at are keeping people from getting too defensive, and actually hearing eachother out...

The root of your problem is probably that if you go all out, she'll just get offended, however if your trying to be subtle / ease it in as most people here seem to suggest, she just won't get it. Selective reality is a bitch to cope with as normal chains of reasoning doesn't always seem to apply, and as your mother she probably believes she has the right to end any discussion at her own whim... So, I really really do advice against having that talk with her alone.

Speaking from personal experience, having one person go all out on her, while another person steps in to defend her is a fairly good setup. As you and the other person finds middle ground to agree on, it'll be really hard for your mother to stay on the defensive. Bad cop / good cop ain't just a cliche
__________________
Ni! M00!
my boring homepage
hyfe is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 18:39   #9
Dace
so f*cking zen
 
Dace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.
Re: How do you tell your mother....

*in this situation i am the brother*
__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Dace is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 19:14   #10
Weeks
Banned
 
Weeks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,635
Weeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriend
Re: How do you tell your mother....

Your mother is, and was, obviously under a lot of stress due to the dead of your father- and this is how she's coped; And it's quite possible that this mindset your mother's got herself into is deprimental to her.

It's essential to be able to talk about your father to your mother, as he's a large part of your shared lives. But your and your mothers opinion of your father differ substaintially. But the main difference I see is the fact your mothers opinion is due to a emotional reaction to the trauma of your fathers death, which is extremely powerful, and must be treated in a special way.

Personally I would start talking about small things to your mother, always emphasing you loved your father to reasure her, which is important as this is a extremely delicate matter to her. Even if this involves distorting reality to favour your fathers actions, or at least lessen them, but making sure you let the possibility that what your father did was not 100% ok enter her head, again, always reasurring your mother that your loved your father and he loved you- which I do not doubt.

For example you could even talk about his drinking habits, but place them in a jovial light. And even defend what he did.

If you decided to be heavy handed and simply say what he did was wrong, you'd probably be correct, but it wouldn't be helping your mother. She would most probably become extremely defensive. However, if you defended him so she wouldn't have to, I believe she's most probably come to an informed recollection of events. But this'll take a large amount of time, as this event in your lives is huge, and obviously your mother is coping in ways that may be deprimental to her.

[edit] She may even know how you feel. This may be why she's placing him on such a high pedistal. Maybe she's not 100% sure you loved your father, or she knows that he wasn't perfect which makes her feel guility, and she's coping with by placing him on such a pedistal. Just a guess, I obviously wouldn't be able to tell without knowing her how you know her. [/edit]

Hope this helps. Anyway basically I would treat your mothers feelings with extreme care as it's obviously her way of coping. And be sure to remind her you love her and your father, and your childhood. You'll only really be able to talk to her again if you help her, subtly -more guiding than helping her.

Last edited by Weeks; 18 Feb 2005 at 19:32. Reason: Dace was teaching me how to spell.
Weeks is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 19:25   #11
Dace
so f*cking zen
 
Dace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Hitting Bottom
Posts: 8,499
Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.Dace has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.
Re: How do you tell your mother....

"detrimental"
__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Dace is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 19:32   #12
Weeks
Banned
 
Weeks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,635
Weeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriendWeeks needs a job and a girlfriend
Re: How do you tell your mother....

Ah your a diamond so you are!
Weeks is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 19:50   #13
I am Idler
This is bat country
 
I am Idler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Norway
Posts: 1,693
I am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like him
Re: How do you tell your mother....

Is there any reason you feel the need to shatter your mothers visions of a man she misses?

appart from the selfish ones I mean
__________________
Burárum!
I am Idler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 21:40   #14
Sarina_Joy
Twisted
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Down with the sickness
Posts: 2,484
Sarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriend
Re: How do you tell your mother....

I don't actually see it as selfish. I think it would benifit her in the long run.

The problem is that the problem isn't with me. It's my brother. She CAN talk to me if she needs to, and I can to a certain extent hide what I actually think and go along with her memory of my father. My brother cannot. If she raises the issue the only thing I can imagine him doing is changing the subject. or running away. Neither of which are helpful.

So far the best conclusion I can reach is that I should tell her that if she wants to know what my brother is thinking she should ask my brother :\
__________________
Me


In my sleep I grind my teeth.
Sarina_Joy is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 21:43   #15
Sarina_Joy
Twisted
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Down with the sickness
Posts: 2,484
Sarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriend
Re: How do you tell your mother....

And frankly.. why should I go along with it?!

Why should I condone her talking of my father in saintly manner when for the majority of my childhood I remember feeling either embarassed or scared of him?
__________________
Me


In my sleep I grind my teeth.
Sarina_Joy is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 22:36   #16
hyfe
Dum Di Dum Di
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 858
hyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet society
Re: How do you tell your mother....

Because you care about your mothers well being, and would want her to come to terms with what happened with your father in her own time and on her own terms?
__________________
Ni! M00!
my boring homepage
hyfe is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 23:25   #17
Ninja_spammer
Freedom Fanatic
 
Ninja_spammer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Doing evil deeds in the name of freedom
Posts: 680
Ninja_spammer has much to be proud ofNinja_spammer has much to be proud ofNinja_spammer has much to be proud ofNinja_spammer has much to be proud ofNinja_spammer has much to be proud ofNinja_spammer has much to be proud ofNinja_spammer has much to be proud ofNinja_spammer has much to be proud ofNinja_spammer has much to be proud ofNinja_spammer has much to be proud of
Re: How do you tell your mother....

What you have to understand is that sarina's mother is the sort of person who feels she has every right to say the first thing that comes into her mind on a subject and that people have no right to be upset or offended, indeed she seems to get confused when people do, which leads to a great deal of stress when you try and talk to her about something she doesn't want to hear as she will either ignore you or more likely lash out (in a verbal manner) at you which just dissolves the conversation into an unpleasant argument.


This is the main reason that she cannot talk to her son about her husband/his father because he wont nod politely and keep his mouth shut but will instead tell her exactly what he thinks and not what she wants to hear. She is welcome to her own ideal vision of her husband but she cannot force that vision onto others which is what she does.
__________________
The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil and no good, nothing but blind pitiless indifference.
Ninja_spammer is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 18 Feb 2005, 23:51   #18
hyfe
Dum Di Dum Di
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 858
hyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet societyhyfe is a pillar of this Internet society
Re: How do you tell your mother....

Yeah, that was pretty much what I gathered from the first post, I just wanted to answer her rethorical question with what she didn't want to hear.

Which is also why I said earlier you needed to co-operate with someone to get through to her, as I know the type all to well :/ .. It's pretty amazing how non-subtle hints some people manage to avoid noticing
__________________
Ni! M00!
my boring homepage
hyfe is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 19 Feb 2005, 01:30   #19
I am Idler
This is bat country
 
I am Idler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Norway
Posts: 1,693
I am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like himI am Idler is an inspiration to us all and we should try to be more like him
Re: How do you tell your mother....

I find that simply not caring works, try it
__________________
Burárum!
I am Idler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 19 Feb 2005, 05:42   #20
demiGOD
the Sacred Pervert
 
demiGOD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 1,492
demiGOD is just really nicedemiGOD is just really nicedemiGOD is just really nicedemiGOD is just really nicedemiGOD is just really nice
Re: How do you tell your mother....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarina_Joy
How do you tell your mother that you didn't think your Dad was perfect?
you dont.

why express your feelings about your dad to your mom when she's at her lowest emotional state? if you only express happy thoughts and memories to her about your father will help with her depression - what you didn't feel with your dad should be your goal in fulfilling with your mom while she's still alive -

life is so short to play god (where you are so IN-CONTROL of someone's feelings), and youre mom needs comforting - there are things where you just keep it to your self and take it with you to your grave, and expressing your love/hate feelings about your dad to your mom is one of those things

keep your relationship with your mom as happiest as possible, she misses your dad and you should support that
__________________
"....some might say, we will find a brighter day...."
-Oasis

Veneratio | Insomnia | F-Crew | Subh
demiGOD is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 19 Feb 2005, 16:07   #21
LHC
J to the C to the A G E
 
LHC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Scúnthorpe
Posts: 5,583
LHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet societyLHC is a pillar of this Internet society
Re: How do you tell your mother....

Quote:
Originally Posted by demiGOD
why express your feelings about your dad to your mom when she's at her lowest emotional state?
Sorry but this happened seven years ago. It's perhaps time for her to face up to the truth now. She won't be told he was a really bad man or anything, because (as I gathered) that isn't the case.
LHC is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 19 Feb 2005, 16:25   #22
slick
Last Of The Soul Reaver
 
slick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: London (middlesex) Wicked Place!
Posts: 333
slick is on a distinguished road
Re: How do you tell your mother....

I say leave it.

death can have a radical change on a person. If your mother see's your father as a wonderful bloke then why change her mind? she is happy that way, so it'll just makje her worse.
__________________
Fear the Bunny

You're just jealous coz the voices are talking to me!

Rimmer: Step Up To Red Alet!
Kryten: Are You Sure Sir, It Does Mean Changing The Bulb!

Death to the deamoness Allegra Gellar!
slick is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 19 Feb 2005, 21:31   #23
Sarina_Joy
Twisted
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Down with the sickness
Posts: 2,484
Sarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriendSarina_Joy needs a job and a girlfriend
Re: How do you tell your mother....

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyfe
Because you care about your mothers well being, and would want her to come to terms with what happened with your father in her own time and on her own terms?
Sorry if this sounds harsh but if she is to come to terms with my dads death in her own time and on her own terms then why does she have to involve me!? She is bringing me in to this, I do not want this involvement at all because it's not a subject I want to discuss with her.

The other factor is that if I do mention dad and don't mention him as saint David then she jumps down my throat. As far as I'm concerned she is never going to come to terms with the death of someone who never existed in the first bloody place! I just don't really want to be the one to point this out to her :\
__________________
Me


In my sleep I grind my teeth.
Sarina_Joy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 11:55.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2002 - 2018