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Unread 31 Aug 2005, 15:45   #1
meglamaniac
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Man's cruelty to animals...
...is nothing compared with the animal kingdom's cruelty to man.
I woke up this morning to a mosquito bite on my left nipple. Actually right in the bullseye. That REALLY hurts, you little fker.

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Unread 31 Aug 2005, 16:03   #2
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Re: Man's cruelty to animals...
I wanted to suggest your bite was the result of a sexual encounter between you and said mosquito. Anyhoo I was reminded of this.... it's just a shame it wasn't an ant


CLIVE: I was down the, er, Top Rank ballroom the other day.

DEREK: Oh, yeah?

CLIVE: Yeah, with-, you know, with the lads .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... and, er, brought the wives along, you know.

DEREK: Social occasion.

CLIVE: Well, made it social, you know, nice to have the birds there, you know, they've .....

DEREK: Oh, yeah.

CLIVE: ..... got things to talk about, haven't they? You know .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: Women's talk, anyway, yeah .....

DEREK: Yeah, nice.

CLIVE: I was talking to the lads, I'd been up to the, er, football, you know.

DEREK: Oh, errr, which? Norwich and, er, Tottenham?

CLIVE: Norwich - Tottenham, yeah.

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ****ing awful game, that.

DEREK: Yeah-h.

CLIVE: Norwich are a team of ****ing wankers, 'in't they?

DEREK: Yeah, right.

CLIVE: ****ing wankers, those Norwich. You-, did you-, d'y-, you see the game?

DEREK: No, I was-, I was wanking that afternoon. I couldn't come .....

CLIVE: Oh, yeah, couldn't make it, yeah. Well, I-, I was down to be wanking but, erm, you know, I got a call from a friend and, er, you know, thought best to go along.

DEREK: Yeah, right, well, .....

CLIVE: Anyway, I was down the Top Rank ballroom, any case, .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... I was talking to Sid, you remember Sid who, erm, .....

DEREK: Yeah, who .....

CLIVE: ..... married to Doris.

DEREK: Right, yeah.

CLIVE: And, er, I suddenly turned round - **** me, I saw the wife!

DEREK: Well, was that-, was that, er, surprising?

CLIVE: No, no, it's not surprising, what was happening to the wife was surprising. I turned round, saw the wife, ****ing great gorilla ****ing her arse off.

DEREK: No!

CLIVE: I thought, "**** me!"

DEREK: ****ing hell!

CLIVE: I said, "What's going on?"

DEREK: Yeah. Well, you would.

CLIVE: I said, "Who do I turn to?" You know, "Who do I ****ing get in touch with?"

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: I pay five shillings to come to the Top Rank ballroom .....

DEREK: Yeah. And then you've .....

CLIVE: ..... have a civilised conversation, I turn round, there's a ****ing gorilla ****ing the arse off my ****ing wife!

DEREK: Christ!

CLIVE: I thought, "**** me! Who do I get in touch with?"

DEREK: Right, yeah, you must have been in a state of near panic.

CLIVE: Yeah, well, you know, I've got pride.

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: I'm not going to allow, er, ANYBODY, let alone a gorilla, you know, just, er, **** the arse of my wife like that.

DEREK: Yeah. So what did you do?

CLIVE: Well, I turned to Sid, I said, "Sid, look! ****ing gorilla ****ing my ****ing wife!" He said, "****ing hell, she ****ing is being ****ed by a ****ing gorilla, **** me!" He said, "You should get in touch with the top man, .....

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: ..... the manager."

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: So I went straight up, you know, I stormed up. 'Cause let's f-, I've got a temper, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah, I know.

CLIVE: I-, I-, I'm human!

DEREK: Well, I wouldn't like to be on the end of it.

CLIVE: I'm human. I knocked on the manager's door - no reply.

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: Well, I wasn't taking 'no reply' for an answer. So I stormed straight in and there he was: stark naked on the floor with an ant sucking his left nipple.

DEREK: Oh no! Oh, ****ing hell!

CLIVE: And I said to him, with all the dignity I could muster, I said, "Is this a way to run a ****ing ballroom?"

DEREK: RIGHT!
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Unread 31 Aug 2005, 16:36   #3
Marilyn Manson
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Question Re: Man's cruelty to animals...
What exactly are you doing that makes Mosquitos bite you on your tits in bed? Have you heard of bed covers? Have you heard of closing your window? Have you heard of not living in a steaming swamp?!
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Unread 31 Aug 2005, 16:48   #4
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Re: Man's cruelty to animals...
have you heard of not scribbling "small insects - get it here" in marker pen across your bosoms*?

*a better comedy word than tits I think
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Unread 31 Aug 2005, 16:59   #5
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Re: Man's cruelty to animals...
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1-X
etc.[/i]
POTW nomination.
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Unread 31 Aug 2005, 17:10   #6
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Re: Man's cruelty to animals...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marilyn Manson
What exactly are you doing that makes Mosquitos bite you on your tits in bed? Have you heard of bed covers? Have you heard of closing your window? Have you heard of not living in a steaming swamp?!
It was hot and so I neglected to use the covers. "Heathen!" I hear you cry.
And at the moment most of the UK is a steaming swap (although not as much as New Orleans lawl amirite)
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Unread 31 Aug 2005, 23:06   #7
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Re: Man's cruelty to animals...
Poor little bug, he probably tried to land on your prick but there wasn't room on it for him to fit so he bit you on your nipple in protest.
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Unread 31 Aug 2005, 23:25   #8
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Re: Man's cruelty to animals...
Could this mean a trip to Marks and Sparks for some ever-so-tasteful PJ's ?
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Unread 1 Sep 2005, 04:54   #9
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Re: Man's cruelty to animals...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ice-Lady
Could this mean a trip to Marks and Sparks for some ever-so-tasteful PJ's ?
A determined mosquito will find a way in!
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Unread 1 Sep 2005, 11:56   #10
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Re: Man's cruelty to animals...
http://www.mosinet.co.uk/imncuk/products.php
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