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Unread 5 Nov 2005, 23:38   #1
Ste
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Joke of the week

A newly married couple were driving from Manchester to Blackpool for their honeymoon and the husband, who was driving, started stroking his wifes thigh.
"You can go further than that if you like" she told him
"Ok" he replied







































So he drove to Edinburgh.
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Unread 5 Nov 2005, 23:42   #2
JC
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Re: Joke of the week

In keeping with the high quality of this thread.

Two elephants fell off a cliff....





































Boom boom.
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Unread 5 Nov 2005, 23:58   #3
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Re: Joke of the week

The Birmingham Rag:

"A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Birmingham courtroom drama
yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of
him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat
him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried
out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer
with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Aston
Villa Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating
anyone."
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 17:34   #4
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Re: Joke of the week

What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit?

The bride.

What is ET short for?

He only has little legs.
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 17:44   #5
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Re: Joke of the week

this thread drove me to self-harm
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 17:46   #6
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Re: Joke of the week

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a mountain climber?


You can't, a mountain climber is a scalar.
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 17:55   #7
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a mountain climber?


You can't, a mountain climber is a scalar.

Oh dear. Why didn't you just stick with the Mugabe joke?
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 18:08   #8
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ragnarak
Oh dear. Why didn't you just stick with the Mugabe joke?
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

Mod sheep mod kangaroo sin theta in the direction of the right hand rule.
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 18:18   #9
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Re: Joke of the week

My brother was recently struck off the medical register for having sex with one of his patients
























Damn shame as he is a really good vet.
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 18:28   #10
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

Mod sheep mod kangaroo sin theta in the direction of the right hand rule.
Where do you get these????
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 18:44   #11
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Re: Joke of the week

This thread is a joke.
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 19:40   #12
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Re: Joke of the week

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
















Because chickens weren't around in those days.
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 19:55   #13
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri
Mod sheep mod kangaroo sin theta
I just had to text about eight people with that joke =(
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 20:24   #14
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by pablissimo
I just had to text about eight people with that joke =(
You'll lose your wacky liverpool charm!
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 20:26   #15
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deepflow
Where do you get these????
I'm the world's greatest living comedian.
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Unread 6 Nov 2005, 22:25   #16
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Re: Joke of the week

Slashing my wrists now! Night nite....zzzzzzz
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 00:32   #17
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Re: Joke of the week

Why shouldn't you wear Russian underpants?










Chernobyl Fallout
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 00:45   #18
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Re: Joke of the week

not quite so accurate since he died (damn him) but

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?







Christopher Walken
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 00:53   #19
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Re: Joke of the week

I apologise in advance.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.


Did you hear, Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint the front door green.
But she was dead against it.


What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.


What's the differnce between Hitler and Paula Radcliffe?
Hitler at least tried to finish a race.
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 03:04   #20
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kloopy
Why shouldn't you wear Russian underpants?










Chernobyl Fallout
Thats awesome. I did actually lol in bed at 2am.
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 03:26   #21
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Re: Joke of the week

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Micheal Jackson?


Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon and Michael Jackson ****s little kids in the ass.
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 19:04   #22
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Re: Joke of the week

You're all going to hell. Twice.
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Quote:
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Gay ducks only do it because it impresses their peers.
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 19:29   #23
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by QazokRouge5
You're all going to hell. Twice.
I dont get it
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 19:37   #24
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Re: Joke of the week

A young lad was playing in the front yard of his house while his grandfather sat on the front porch watching him.

The lad was on the ground and trying to do something, but the grandfather could not figure out what it was he was doing. Finally, he asked the young man what he was doing. The lad replied that he was pulling worms out of holes in the ground. He held up one of the wigglers for his grandfather to observe.

The grandfather, chuckled and told the boy, "I'll give you $5 if you can put one of them back into the worm hole you took him out of."

The boy thought for a minute and then ran into the house and came back a few minutes later. He went over to the hole, held up a now stiffened worm, and placed it back into one of the worm holes.

The old man was amazed. "However, did you manage that?" the old timer asked.

"Grandma was doing the wash so I dipped the worm into the starch she uses for your shirts. It was then easy to put the worm back in the hole."

The old timer shook his head in admiration and told his grandson, "I haven't the money right now but I will give you the $5 tomorrow.

A day goes by and grandad sees the boy coming out of the house and holds out a $5 toward the lad.

"That's okay, Grandad," the youth says, waiving off the money. "Grandma has already given me $20 to teach her the trick."
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 19:45   #25
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ragnarak
Oh dear. Why didn't you just stick with the Mugabe joke?
I liked that

Though most of my old friends now hate me for telling it.
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 19:46   #26
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Re: Joke of the week

How does a stoner mathematician greet people?















'Hi, pot in use.'
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 20:06   #27
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Re: Joke of the week

I hear Olusegun Obasanjo is a pretty nice guy, word on the street is that he wouldnt even ob a sanjo

wait
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Unread 7 Nov 2005, 20:13   #28
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Re: Joke of the week

Your mum's so stupid that she thinks internet forums are places where the Romans used to meet to discuss computer networking
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 01:24   #29
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Re: Joke of the week

A local woman of easy virtue had a tatoo on her right inner thigh which read "Merry Christmas."
On her left inner thigh was a tatoo which read "Happy New Year."

When arrested for soliciting an act of prostitution she protested, "But officer, all I did was invite the gentleman to come up and see me between the holidays."
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Last edited by dda; 8 Nov 2005 at 01:25. Reason: misspelling
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 01:50   #30
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Re: Joke of the week

Did you hear about the Magic Tractor?












It turned into a field.

(Yes I grew up in the country. We are a simpler folk)
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 03:12   #31
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Re: Joke of the week

Did you hear about the mathematician who lost his parrot? When someone asked him why he was crying he only responded with "Poly gone."





Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week...
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 05:39   #32
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Re: Joke of the week

A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and out comes a genie with a twisted sense of humor.

"I'll give you 3 wishes... but whatever you ask for, your mother in-law will get twice of."

The man thinks for a moment, and then says "I'd like a million dollars"
*poof* he gets a million, his mother in law gets two million.

The man ponders again, and then says "I'd like a mansion somewhere along the coast of hawaii."
*poof* he gets his mansion, but his mother in law gets two more.

Finally, the man smiles slightly, and says to the genie:
"For my third.... I would like to be beaten half to death."
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 05:50   #33
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by Squidly
A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and out comes a genie with a twisted sense of humor.

"I'll give you 3 wishes... but whatever you ask for, your mother in-law will get twice of."

The man thinks for a moment, and then says "I'd like a million dollars"
*poof* he gets a million, his mother in law gets two million.

The man ponders again, and then says "I'd like a mansion somewhere along the coast of hawaii."
*poof* he gets his mansion, but his mother in law gets two more.

Finally, the man smiles slightly, and says to the genie:
"For my third.... I would like to be beaten half to death."
He'll need that million dollars to pay his property tax.
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 05:55   #34
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by s|k
He'll need that million dollars to pay his property tax.
he'll need twice as much again when he's sued by bernard manning
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 08:27   #35
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Re: Joke of the week

why is the integral of one over a cabin with respect to cabin equal to a houseboat?

because the inetegral reduces to "natural log(cabin) + c"
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 13:07   #36
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Re: Joke of the week

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and
as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick"he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his
life!!
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 19:30   #37
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Re: Joke of the week

:cringe:
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 19:31   #38
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Re: Joke of the week

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?






A stick.

Why do people not really have to bring luch when they go to the beach?







Because of all the sand which is there.
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 19:40   #39
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Re: Joke of the week

This is a long read but a good read!!!

Apparently completely true !

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in
Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called
"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the
contestant answers yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly
personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those
same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour
City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest
thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
the Gold Coast if you win.What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First
only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you
had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8
o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying
with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at
the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the
previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian
on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to
this."

3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch
tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the
air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of
hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not
to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly,
okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be
off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian
went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one
question away from a trip to the Gold Coast.Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take
a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars
laughing!!
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 19:55   #40
pig
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Re: Joke of the week

I love that joke but wait until u get some gd idiot going "old"
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Unread 8 Nov 2005, 20:55   #41
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Re: Joke of the week

Old says old.
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Unread 9 Nov 2005, 09:29   #42
Radical Edward
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Re: Joke of the week

Quote:
Originally Posted by pig
I love that joke but wait until u get some gd idiot going "old"

it doesn't matter it's old, it'S a classic, and a good one to be reminded of.
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Unread 9 Nov 2005, 23:06   #43
Dace
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Re: Joke of the week

The tears of laughter are rolling down my cheeks!!!
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