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Unread 13 Jul 2008, 22:37   #1
Tomkat
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The Beer Goggle Pill

In the summer of 2005 I had just finished university. That time in your life is a rare moment when you know you should make a decision about your future, and yet there isn't any great urgency about it. I spent the summer working in a cinema in Jersey. It was very mundane work - serving popcorn, selling tickets, cleaning out the litter after a film. It was also very easy though, with the added perk that you could see all the films for free. The thing I enjoyed most about working there was the other employees. For the most part they were young and studenty. As it was all shift work, I'd often go out 2-3 times a week and spend all the cash I'd earnt behind the popcorn-maker.

It was when working at the cinema that I met Steve. Steve was a little older than myself and had an undeservedly arrogant air about him. With this arrogance came an odd form of charm though. He was instantly likable and yet somehow vaguely obnoxious with it. He would get on brilliantly with your father, and terribly with your mother.

One night, Steve and I were finishing off cleaning the last screen. It was 11:00pm and we were planning on going to a few bars after work. He was at the top of the cinema rows, and I was at the bottom.

He called down to me "Hey! Rattle!". It was always Rattle. Never Tom.

I looked up. "Yep?" I replied.

"Have you heard of 'beer goggles' before?" he was walking down the steps now.

"You mean when you're so drunk that girls become attractive?" I raised my eyebrow. Everyone knows what beer goggles are. Had he not heard of it?

"Right" he smirked now "How about 'beer goggle pills'?" he reached into his pocket.

"Nope - what are they?" I was walking up the aisle now, ignoring the popcorn that was scrunched into the floor on the rows either side of me.

"They're a new thing. My mate gave me some. They're from Amsterdam!" he proclaimed, as if that information gave the pill some sort of authenticity.

Now before I go on, I should explain my stance on drugs in general. I have dabbled vaguely in one or two types, but the idea of recreational drugs has never particularly appealed to me. I'm pro-alcohol, but don't bother with anything else. I have no problem with others wishing to take them around me, but I would always refuse if offered. Steve knew this.

"So what do they do?" I asked. The name intrigued me.

Steve laughed "Well... they alter your perception of... things. Want to try one?"

I put my bin bag down and looked at the little blue pill in his hand.

"Why is it in the shape of an 8?" I asked him.

He turned it around so it was sideways "It isn't an 8, dumbass. It's a pair of goggles - like the name"

I nodded "So why the name? What do they do?"

We were walking out of the screen now. We'd done a pretty shoddy job of clearing up, but the proper cleaners would do it in the morning. As we walked into the locker room, Steve started to explain the pill to me.

"Ok. The pill is pretty simple. You take it, it makes girls look a lot more attractive than they really are"

"How does that work?" I asked. This pill sounded interesting.

"No idea! It isn't legal in Britain, but Jersey's got less laws about distribution of drugs and stuff so we're A-OK to take it here. You want to try it tonight?!" He caught my eye, and I knew that he had an idea of what I was going to say.

"Yeah... ok. What are the side effects?" All those lessons at school where you're 'taught to say NO' flashed before my eyes. I ignored every single one.

"None! Except waking up next to a munter!" Steve laughed as he did his hair in the mirror.

"Brilliant. Worse than the worst hangover. Ok, I'll try one tonight..." I took it from him and popped it in my mouth. It tasted slightly minty. Nothing happened.

Steve swallowed one as well "Let's go!"




The night was eventful. The pills took about twenty minutes to kick in, and the transition was effortless. I went to the toilet, leaving a bar full of girls that would score 4-6 on attractiveness and returning to a room full of 8-9s. Unless some sort of mystery bus had come and replaced them all, the beer goggle pill was definitely working.

The night was a lot more fun than usual. Generally, ugly girls have better personalities than attractive girls. This is usually because they have to try harder and have to offer other assets rather than large breasts or a winning smile. So with the BGP, we enjoyed the best of both, oblivious to the fact we might have been chatting to the world's Gurning Champion, rather than the Miss.World she appeared to be.

As the night came to a close, I caught up with Steve. He was sat down, entangled in the limbs of a blonde. He detached himself from her lips, and came to the bar with me.

"This pill... is amazing. You could make millions!" I exclaimed excitedly.

"It really is something else" Steve winked and turned to wave at the blonde, who was waiting patiently at the table for him.

"How long does it last for? The effects?" I asked.

"Ages - about twelve hours" he replied.

I did a quick calculation "So if we took this at 11:00pm, then we have until about 11:00am before it wears off and we realise the error of our ways?"

Steve gripped my shoulder "Yes. Trust me, you want to be out of her bedroom before that happens". His face was deadly serious now. I wondered what had happened to him, but dismissed it. He winked at me again, and went back to his blonde friend.




I didn't use the pill again after that night. While the effects were stupendous, and the night was like something out of the Playboy Mansion, I was a bit reserved. Surely we were deceiving these girls who were suddenly being lavished with our attention? Shouldn't we look further than skindeep? There should be more to life than how pretty a girl is... shouldn't there?

I was pondering these questions over a pint near my friend Andy's house. I had known Andy since school. He was very intelligent and hard working, yet had never had a girlfriend in his life. He was a pretty good looking chap, but his confidence was near zero. To couple this problem, he also had stupidly high demands in girls. He wouldn't even consider chatting up a girl unless she was a 9 or 10 to him. This led to a strained catch-22 situation. Andy often didn't find girls attractive and those he did find attractive, he found it hard to talk to.

I'd invited Andy to the pub because I had formulated a plan. Our group of friends had been trying to get him to get a girlfriend for years, as he often seemed very sad that he was so unlucky with girls. We had tried to explain the idea of lowering his standards, but he couldn't do it and so had always been the most eligible of bachelors.

As Andy walked into the pub, I waved him over. The chat was the usual kind of stuff - job, family, girls. As soon as the topic moved to girls, I watched carefully. It was a pretty sensitive subject with him, as he knew that we often tried to set him up with friends. I decided to encroach the topic.

"Imagine if the world was full of girls who scored 9-10" I started "Do you think it'd mean that girls who are an 8 would find it harder to get a boyfriend?"

"Well yeah" Andy pondered it for a few seconds "it's just simple statistics - you've got the norm and then either side are the others". He drew a bell-curve in the air "So if you expect your girlfriend to be a 9, then why settle for less?"

"I went out recently and all the girls were 8-10" I smiled. I'd piqued his interest.

"Where was that? Which club?" He asked. He knew I was getting at something, and was waiting for me to reveal the rest of the iceberg.

"It was just Chicago" I replied "On a normal night... nothing unusual about it"

"Wish I'd been there! Chicago isn't famous for hot girls" He took a gulp of his lager.

"It can be. I had beer goggles on all night" I continued.

"Oh right - so you were smashed? Well that's different" He dismissed it "When you're that drunk, it's impossible to talk to anyone without sounding like a twat"

"Nope, I was completely sober" I grinned. I had thrown out the bait, and was ready to reel him in.

"Go on..." He took another gulp, but did not break eye contact with me.

"My friend has these 'beer goggle pills'. They make you believe every girl is phenomenally attractive. It's... it has to be seen to be believed". I looked into my pint, a small smile emerging on my lips. It had been an amazing night.

"How do they work?" Andy was more reluctant to dabble in this kind of thing than I was. I knew that he'd want to understand them before even thinking about using them.

"No idea - they're from Amsterdam" I realised I was repeating exactly what Steve had said. It did add a certain validity to the pills though. Didn't it?

"Could you get some more of them?" There we were. He'd taken the bait.

"Sure - I can get them off him easily. I don't think they're that expensive. Not many people have heard of them" I was lying here. I knew I could probably get a few free off Steve, but I had no idea how much they'd cost. It was irrelevant - Andy was an accountant with plenty of spare cash.

"I might google them - you reckon you could get some by Saturday?" Andy sounded much more eager than I thought he would. Then I thought about it - he knew as well as us that his predicament was the inability to be attracted to 90% of girls. This could be his lifesaver, if only a temporary one.

"I'm sure I could"

Andy nodded and the conversation moved on. I smiled to myself as Steve's text came through, confirming that he could get me some of the pills by Saturday. The plan was moving along nicely.




On Saturday, Andy took the pill on his own. I pretended to take mine, but decided it would ruin the fun. A few of our friends came with us, but we had decided not to tell them about the beer goggles.

Our first stop was a small pub on the outskirts of town, near my house. Andy had only just taken the pill, so I wasn't expecting it to kick in just yet. He went to the toilet and when he came out, I saw his eyes widen and a slow smile appear on his face. I knew the feeling he was experiencing, and had to stop myself from laughing as I saw him staring at this heavy woman who could quite easily have been his mother. I moved over to him and told him we were moving onto a bar.

We went to a couple of bars, where Andy readily chatted to some girls. Our whole friendship group was astounded by this, but did not say anything. We all loved Andy and were happy that he had finally plucked up the courage to talk to some girls. Even if they were complete bumblechiefs.

Andy came back to talk to us a few times. It seemed he had forgotten about the pill. He would grin slyly at us and make comments like "Haven't lost it... did you see that blonde I was chatting to? EVENING CUTLERY!". We just smiled and reassured him that she was probably the most attractive lady we had ever seen in our lives. In reality we weren't even sure that she was a lady.

When we got to the club, Andy leaned over to me. "This is amazing!" he whispered "It's like being in some sort of dance video!".

I looked around. There were some middle aged women on a hen do, leering at the bartenders. There was a group of large girls who had obviously drunk too much. Andy was glancing over at them, trying to catch their eyes.

"Yep... it sure is Andy..." I nodded solemnly. I almost wished I'd taken a pill too, so I could experience this hive of honey he seemed to have discovered.

The night went as hoped. Andy managed to get a few girl's phone numbers, and ended up going home with a rather large redhead. As he introduced me to her, I smiled and chatted. She was a nice girl. I then realised - she didn't know about the pill. As far as she was concerned, she was being courted by a pretty good looking man. A man who wasn't drunk, and who genuinely was interested in her. I had done them both a favour.

There was one small problem. When the clock struck 9am, she would no longer be an Ariel-the-Mermaid lookalike to Andy. I took Andy to one side and told him I'd meet him for coffee at 8:30am. He never missed appointments, so I knew this would be safe. He'd be out of there before the pill wore off and noone would get hurt. It was airtight. I was a genius.



The next morning, Andy arrived on time. He had an extra strut in his walk, and a permanent grin on his face. We didn't discuss the details - it wasn't the time or the place for that kind of thing.

"That pill... is brilliant" he clapped me on the back "I have no idea if she was beautiful or ugly. It didn't matter. The night was amazing"

I grinned "Want to do it again sometime?"

"Definitely" he said "How about next weekend?"




The next weekend rolled around and the routine was the same as before. I gave Andy his little blue goggle shaped pill, and he ended up chatting to a few girls. We didn't make it past the first few pubs though, before he came over to me.

"I know I said I'd stay out the whole night Tom, but I think I might just stay here with Helen"

I looked over at the brunette in the corner and smiled to myself "We've only been out a couple of hours though! Most of these places have been empty!" I protested feebly.

"I know, but she seems pretty cool. I'm just going to stay with her" He looked apologetic, but obviously wasn't going to budge on this.

"No worries Andy - I'll see you tomorrow then? Coffee at 8:30 again?"

"Sure Tom - see you then. Looking forward to it" He shook my hand and went back to the brunette.




The next morning came along and as expected, Andy arrived on time. He didn't have the strut though. In fact, he looked quite worried.

"Do you have any pills you could get by tomorrow?" He asked as soon as he sat down "I think I've messed up"

I leaned back on my chair. A part of me was enjoying his panic. I knew I could get some by tomorrow, but I had a feeling I knew what was coming. "By tomorrow...? Maybe. What have you done?"

"I'm meeting Helen for a date tomorrow! What if she's a troglodyte?!"

I smiled "I wouldn't know. I also took a pill last night, remember?"

"Yeah...yeah. Listen, please try and get me a pill. I can't stand her up and... you know" He looked genuinely distraught.

"Relax Andy - I can get one. I'll bring it over to you tonight"

"Thanks. Cheers. Phew" Andy ran his hands through his hair and looked up gratefully "Means a lot"

That night I brought round six pills in total for Andy. "In case you want to go on further dates with her" I said, and winked at him.




I didn't see Andy for two weeks after that. Jersey is a small place though, and gossip travels very quickly. It is difficult to walk down the high street without seeing five people you know and can chat to. From this grapevine information, I gathered that Andy had been on a few dates with the brunette, and was really enjoying himself.

That evening, I received a knock on my door. It was Andy. He looked pale and was fidgetty.

"Tom! I'm glad you're here! Can you get me any pills by... well, now?!" His eyes looked pleadingly at me.

"Yeah, sure. Come in. Sit down." I motioned to the living room.

He sat on the couch. Now that he knew he would be getting some pills he had visibly relaxed.

"So how's it going with... Helen?" I asked.

"Brilliantly. I just... I'm worried. We get on so well but she's obviously a complete minger. I just can't bring myself to tell her what I've done. Part of me wants to just leave the pills and see her as she is normally, but I can't... not yet. You know?"

"Yeah. What would you have done if I hadn't got any pills here?" I asked.

"Cancelled the date. Hidden from her. I wouldn't even recognise her if I passed her in the street, would I?! Jesus..." Andy frowned to himself.

"I'll go and get you those pills then" I went upstairs. I found the bag and brought it downstairs.

Andy was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. I threw the bag on the coffee table in front of him "How many do you need?" I asked.

He looked at the bag, and looked at me.

"What's... this?" he asked.

"It's a bag with the pills you've been using" I tried to look bored and disinterested, but was failing.

"No it isn't. It's a bag of Numberfantastics"

"Yep" I opened the bag and bright blue sweets littered the table. Sweets in the shape of numbers. Sweets in the shape of one, two, three, four, five, six, seven... and eight. I picked up one of the eights and handed it to him "Enjoy!"

Andy leaned back on the couch. His mind was working furiously, and he looked from the sweets to me and back again.

"You sly bastard" he smirked, and popped one of the sweets into his mouth.
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Unread 13 Jul 2008, 22:51   #2
Yahwe
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

you nicked this from somewhere.

it's what you're like
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Unread 13 Jul 2008, 22:53   #3
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

Still liked it though.
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Unread 13 Jul 2008, 23:12   #4
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

I wrote it today you butt

I suppose the fact you think it's stolen is a veiled compliment though...!
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Unread 13 Jul 2008, 23:19   #5
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

there was me reading it expecting to hear how he shagged his minging sister
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Unread 13 Jul 2008, 23:23   #6
Tomkat
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

yeah I wasn't sure how to tie it off but it seemed like an ok ending

i didnt want to leave it to finish later as i have tried doing it before a few times and never come back to the stories.
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Unread 14 Jul 2008, 07:53   #7
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomkat
I wrote it today you butt

I suppose the fact you think it's stolen is a veiled compliment though...!
it would have been if i'd read it
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Unread 14 Jul 2008, 11:56   #8
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

so it's pills that make you people somehow believe British girls can be goodlooking. i knew there was something behind this!
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Unread 14 Jul 2008, 12:33   #9
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

I enjoyed it, but i was wondering when "you" found out "Steve" had made the pills up and was using sweets?
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Unread 14 Jul 2008, 21:45   #10
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

i enjoyed that
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Unread 14 Jul 2008, 23:05   #11
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

thanks guys
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Unread 27 Jul 2008, 15:07   #12
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

I thought this thread was about Henry
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Unread 27 Jul 2008, 23:17   #13
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

Thanks man...

nice story tom
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Unread 28 Jul 2008, 01:31   #14
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

I love you deepflow <3

Cracking story tom, but deepflow I never knew what happened that night. Details maybe?
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Unread 28 Jul 2008, 01:35   #15
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

There are details to be found on irc, not here.
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Unread 28 Jul 2008, 01:45   #16
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

Pah, well maybe sometime, this week I may make an appearance. I have only just got the internet in my flat so it is still taking me time to sift through the mountain of porn available on the internet. Let alone go on irc!
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Unread 28 Jul 2008, 01:55   #17
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

How many times can one man pleasure himself in a day? Even you?
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Unread 28 Jul 2008, 13:13   #18
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

Studflow
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Unread 28 Jul 2008, 13:52   #19
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horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.horn has ascended to a higher existance and no longer needs rep points to prove the size of his e-penis.
Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

everyone is gay. love is the essence of being. cogito ergo sum, QED vini vedi vici. a gay man. we are all gay. hold my hand.
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Unread 28 Jul 2008, 16:03   #20
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

hi provorn!!
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Unread 28 Jul 2008, 18:20   #21
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

Quote:
Originally Posted by horn View Post
everyone is gay. love is the essence of being.
A more appropriate joke would be saying most everyone is afraid of being gay. That's the fear I'm talking about as 'opposite' of love, rather than hate.

Last edited by Prover; 28 Jul 2008 at 18:44.
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Unread 31 Jul 2008, 02:45   #22
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

having to explain what you're talking about might take some force out of the punchline though man.
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Unread 31 Jul 2008, 02:46   #23
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

god exists. because love is god. within, a subjective contextualisation of the artistic paradox innate within the "scientific" objectification of the flase binary opposition found within dualistic, contemporary, yet at the same time ahistorical, 3d thinking. it is only once you fully accept the fourth dimension as a means to achieve the ends that are self evident within the myriad quantum diffirentions (as well documented within recent scientific literature) that you can find not only the essence of both time and its symbiotic relationship with love, but also the interdimensional boundarys in which you are setting yourself up within by defining god as something that doesn't "exist". please do not attempt to pwn me. communication is a problem throughout the world. to see you not only accept that fact but to embrace it in this setting would be something would greatly affect me as a gay man. art is love; i am gay/.
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Unread 6 Aug 2008, 21:34   #24
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Re: The Beer Goggle Pill

Good story. The beginning needs to be reworked though, the whole steve thing isn't matching nicely here, you should try and make him come back 'in your memory' a few times during the andy episode and maybe rewrite the last part to

'and here I was, telling Andy the 'goods' ... how he could get to the pills just like I learned from Steve .. you take them out of the sweetbox ...'

or something (not a very good attempt, but you catch my drift)
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