Planetarion Forums

acropolis · 31 May 2005, 17:13

Probably at this point you are thinking "I don't need any help with that, I've got at least 50 pounds on her, she never stands a chance." But that's not what this is about. If you can't win a physical confrontation with your significant other (of whichever gender, this is pretty general), then this is not the advice column for you. Seek out a martial arts dojo or somesuch, and good luck.

This is also not about winning the battle of verbal abuse, though some of the logical consequences of this can be applied there as well. If your wife's verbal assault is making you question yourself or lose self-esteem, then you need either a shrink, or a self help book (not that kind you dirty boy), maybe some anti-depressants. Or maybe Dr. Phil. It's not really my field either.

Q: So how will this help me beat my significant other more effectively?

Excellent question. This will help, because there is always the question "How much abuse is the right amount of abuse?" and you've never had a good answer before. Most abusive husbands go by the tried and true (but UNSCIENTIFIC) "until I'm done" method. But there are, of course, disadvantages to that method. It's simply inefficient. Now, of course, everyone knows that it's preferable to stop before a hospital is needed, because we all know they have those meddling social workers on speed dial and you know where that leads. And it's best to avoid leaving marks on the face, arms, or legs that neighbors might see, and while a good neighbor knows where his nose (get it?) doesn't belong, not everyone has 'good neighbors', and even if he does, it's just better not to put them in that position.

But enough of talking about what you already know. It's time for you to learn how to SCIENTIFICALLY optimize your physical (and even emotional) abuse through the wonders of Cognitive Dissonance.

Q: What is Cognitive Dissonance, and how will it help me?

Cognitive Dissonance is a well-known mechanism by which the human mind rationalizes in certain situations. It is apparent that the human mind will actually, in certain situations, change it's opinion of a certain 'entity', not based on new information about said entity, but based on making the decisions that person has made seem rational and correct. For example, in the original set of experiments by L. Festinger (1957), subjects were made to perform boring and mind-numbing tasks for hours on end. Afterwards, some of the subjects were payed $1 and others $20. In a survey of the subjects afterwards, the subjects who were only payed $1 enjoyed the tasks to a much greater degree. Why? The cognitive dissonance argument says that while the person earning $20 would think to themselves "It may have sucked, but I got twenty bucks out of it. The end." the $1 dollar earner must come up with a separate rationalization. "I only earned $1, so I must have had a pretty good time, else wise, why would I have done it?" And therein lies the rationalization that you can SCIENTIFICALLY utilize to optimize your abuse.

You don't abuse your wife because it's fun. you have your kids and fellow bar-goers for that. If you do abuse your wife for fun, you oughta be ashamed of yourself, and this is not the advice column for you (I probably should have mentioned this earlier - my bad). It will be in next month's edition. You abuse your wife FOR HER. Simply put, she needs to learn. She needs to learn that dinner better be ready on time. That when you want a beer, you want a beer now, not "in a minute", not "in a second", not "when I'm done with this", and sure as hell not "At your earliest convenience." Now means now means now. As it turns out, there are a lot of things she needs to learn, and she sometimes needs to learn them over and over again. She needs to learn to listen too, it would really help her. So how much do you beat her when she needs to learn something? We will look at four specific cases under the SCIENTIFIC light of Cognitive Dissonance rationalizations.

Case #1:
You beat her just a little bit, and she doesn't even give in. Likely rationalization(s):
"I didn't do what he asked/wanted, and he didn't really hurt me. Big deal." This requires very little rationalization on the part of your spouse, and, all in all, is not a 'significant' abuse event in terms of her learning process.

Case #2:
You beat her quite a bit, and she doesn't give in (maybe if you have held on a few seconds longer, she would have broken). Likely rationalization(s): "He really hurt me, and I didn't give in. I must really not want to do that/hate him." A large deal of rationalization takes place here, but it isn't the kind you want. If this is the level of abuse you are working with, you are teaching her to hate you. Even if it takes a few marks on the face/arms etc, it is probably worth it to get past this stage the first few times.

Case #3:
You beat her quite a bit, and stop as soon as she gives in. Likely rationalization(s): "He didn't actually hurt me THAT bad, and yet I admitted he was right." therefore "I must really love him" "He must have been right all along" etc. GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALL!

Case #4:
You beat her a lot, she gives, but you keep it up anyway. Likely rationalizations: "How he really kicked the shit out of me. Hence why I think I'll try to avoid getting beat in the future." Not much rationalization here. She'll do as told, but not because she loves you, and not because she realizes you are right. It also takes much more effort on your part, and you earn no loyalty en route.

Clearly case #3 is the optimal case to shoot for here. And now, in retrospect, you can see how the lessons here can be applied to emotional abuse as well, and a huge variety of things in completely different circumstances. Are you an oppressive dictator, wondering "How much suppression/oppression is the right amount of suppression/ oppression?" then applying the lessons herein isn't even a stretch. Are you a communist dictator of a Caribbean nation, wondering "What do these people think of me?" Well, using these lessons, it's clear that someone who leaves their home and family, hops on a crappy raft and almost dies trying to make it to a crappy Miami barrio is going to think "Wow, that really sucked, therefore living under Castro (we'll call you 'Castro' for now) must have really sucked. What an asshole", whereas those who don't will think "I'm living here when all I'd have to leave is hop on the next raft? It must not be so bad."

k that's pretty much it

NEWSBOT3 · 31 May 2005, 17:19

what

Madina · 31 May 2005, 17:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by NEWSBOT3

what

x 2

Phang · 31 May 2005, 17:26

a helpful and insightful guide.

4.5/5

Stew · 31 May 2005, 17:27

I think he's telling us how to beat our spouses but I'm not quite sure

JammyJim · 31 May 2005, 17:33

i dont have a spouse
should i beat just any old girl?

im confused
please help me gd.

Marilyn Manson · 31 May 2005, 17:36

I hit old people with frying pans.

acropolis · 31 May 2005, 17:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by JammyJim

i dont have a spouse
should i beat just any old girl?

im confused
please help me gd.

it also applies to girlfriends and employees

roadrunner_0 · 31 May 2005, 17:37

you should never beat a woman

Madina · 31 May 2005, 17:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by roadrunner_0

you should never beat a woman

Not even her?

Nantoz · 31 May 2005, 17:41

Whatever happened to sweet lovin' by the fire-place?

Ste · 31 May 2005, 17:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by roadrunner_0

you should never beat a woman

Sexist
How else will they learn not to piss off a man?

JammyJim · 31 May 2005, 17:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by acropolis

it also applies to girlfriends and employees

i dont have a gf atm =(
i split up with the last and havnt really looked for another

im so ronery....

p.s. it was my decision before you all go 'har har JJ got dumped har har'

Madina · 31 May 2005, 17:48

Mrs Palm will always remind you of better times.

Marilyn Manson · 31 May 2005, 17:48

I have nothing against givng fat lesbians who are constantly hostile a good whack over the head with a golf club.

acropolis · 31 May 2005, 17:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by JammyJim

i dont have a gf atm =(
i split up with the last and havnt really looked for another

im so ronery....

happy hunting in a thread entitled 'proper spousal abuse'

PS: yes i read the part about how you weren't really looking. i ignored it for the good of my post.

PPS: why'd you dump her? was it her face?

Nantoz · 31 May 2005, 17:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by acropolis

why'd you dump her? was it her face?

The fact that it was indiscernible from her arse might have been an issue.

JammyJim · 31 May 2005, 17:59

she was very attractive actually

as in
stunning

: p

JammyJim · 31 May 2005, 17:59

i dont date ugly people

FACT

Marilyn Manson · 31 May 2005, 18:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by acropolis

why'd you dump her?

So he could finally be with Kane.

JammyJim · 31 May 2005, 18:01

i did wonder whether anyone would post that
i just won a bet with myself

\o/

(everyones a winner when that happens)

NEWSBOT3 · 31 May 2005, 18:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madina

Not even her?

oh she needs it.

in the face.

BASEBALL BAT!!

Tomkat · 31 May 2005, 20:18

I once fell off a bicycle and this group of girls laughed at me.

I abused them.

WITH MY EYES.

I imagined them all melting*.

Then I walked off.

I sure showed them, the bitches.

*naked

Thermodynamics · 11 Jun 2005, 23:43

Its amazing how a highly intelligent, social empathic thread can degenerate so readily into a series of illogical comments barely relating to each other...

roadrunner_0 · 11 Jun 2005, 23:45

how the hell do you relate social empathy to spousal abuse?

Thermodynamics · 11 Jun 2005, 23:51

As in here is a post that GD can empathise with.

Vaio · 12 Jun 2005, 00:42

The original post seems to be horseshit masqerading as satire.

roadrunner_0 · 12 Jun 2005, 01:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thermodynamics

As in here is a post that GD can empathise with.

sorry, you appear to be talking shit.

Alki · 12 Jun 2005, 03:35

whats goin on

Nadar · 12 Jun 2005, 10:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alki

whats goin on

Just another pie-party, my friend

Chika · 12 Jun 2005, 13:57

This thread really makes me feel uncomfortable.
It caught me off gaurd.

Sarina_Joy · 12 Jun 2005, 14:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by JammyJim

i dont date ugly people

FACT

You don't appear to date anyone at all.

What's your point?

Appocomaster · 12 Jun 2005, 16:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by acropolis

Probably at this point you are thinking "I don't need any help with that, I've got at least 50 pounds on her, she never stands a chance." But that's not what this is about. If you can't win a physical confrontation with your significant other (of whichever gender, this is pretty general), then this is not the advice column for you. Seek out a martial arts dojo or somesuch, and good luck.

This is also not about winning the battle of verbal abuse, though some of the logical consequences of this can be applied there as well. If your wife's verbal assault is making you question yourself or lose self-esteem, then you need either a shrink, or a self help book (not that kind you dirty boy), maybe some anti-depressants. Or maybe Dr. Phil. It's not really my field either.

Q: So how will this help me beat my significant other more effectively?

Excellent question. This will help, because there is always the question "How much abuse is the right amount of abuse?" and you've never had a good answer before. Most abusive husbands go by the tried and true (but UNSCIENTIFIC) "until I'm done" method. But there are, of course, disadvantages to that method. It's simply inefficient. Now, of course, everyone knows that it's preferable to stop before a hospital is needed, because we all know they have those meddling social workers on speed dial and you know where that leads. And it's best to avoid leaving marks on the face, arms, or legs that neighbors might see, and while a good neighbor knows where his nose (get it?) doesn't belong, not everyone has 'good neighbors', and even if he does, it's just better not to put them in that position.

But enough of talking about what you already know. It's time for you to learn how to SCIENTIFICALLY optimize your physical (and even emotional) abuse through the wonders of Cognitive Dissonance.

Q: What is Cognitive Dissonance, and how will it help me?

Cognitive Dissonance is a well-known mechanism by which the human mind rationalizes in certain situations. It is apparent that the human mind will actually, in certain situations, change it's opinion of a certain 'entity', not based on new information about said entity, but based on making the decisions that person has made seem rational and correct. For example, in the original set of experiments by L. Festinger (1957), subjects were made to perform boring and mind-numbing tasks for hours on end. Afterwards, some of the subjects were payed $1 and others $20. In a survey of the subjects afterwards, the subjects who were only payed $1 enjoyed the tasks to a much greater degree. Why? The cognitive dissonance argument says that while the person earning $20 would think to themselves "It may have sucked, but I got twenty bucks out of it. The end." the $1 dollar earner must come up with a separate rationalization. "I only earned $1, so I must have had a pretty good time, else wise, why would I have done it?" And therein lies the rationalization that you can SCIENTIFICALLY utilize to optimize your abuse.

No. You'd say "I offered to submit myself to mind-numbing tasks for hours on end without being told what reward I got. I'm clearly stupid and don't deserve to be used for some sort of test patient." It's like basing the average IQ level on <insert sterotypically stupid group of people of your choice>.
This is why you end the comment here, as opposed to using it to go off and justify beating by abusing other people's subconcious justification for actions in real life to feel superior to them and gain "respect".
Of course, the thread would be shorter, but still contain all the pie throwing that it does anyway, no doubt

Quote:

Originally Posted by JammyJim

i did wonder whether anyone would post that
i just won a bet with myself

\o/

(everyones a winner when that happens)

If they are then everyone is also a looser. And to be fair, betting that something is going to be said on GD is like betting that millions of monkeys with typewriters will eventually write out the works of william shakespeare. It'll happen eventually, and much sooner if it's sex/violence/etc based.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thermodynamics

Its amazing how a highly intelligent, social empathic thread can degenerate so readily into a series of illogical comments barely relating to each other...

Quote:

Originally Posted by roadrunner_0

how the hell do you relate social empathy to spousal abuse?

well said!