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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 15:15   #1
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Why can't I own a Canadian?

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 15:20   #2
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Paging Travler to thread #193169
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 15:24   #3
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pig
Paging Travler to thread #23327
http://pirate.planetarion.com/showthread.php?t=23327 ???????
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 15:26   #4
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Ok I might have been lazy and couldnt look up at the address bar, but hey you get the picture!

:edited for truth:
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 15:30   #5
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

in fairness to travler, apart from when he's trying to troll yahwe he doesnt seem to go in too much for the whole "thou shalt live as the old testament commandeth" thing.
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 15:38   #6
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phang
in fairness to travler, apart from when he's trying to troll yahwe he doesnt seem to go in too much for the whole "thou shalt live as the old testament commandeth" thing.
Yeah but it's his internet niche and now he's got it he can't get rid of it.

It's like the fact that DM is actually a spritely young 19 year old yet still gets called old man.
It's like the face that Dace actually enjoys the older woman now and again (well in fact, he enjoys any woman. Any that will talk to him. Which isn't many), but is labelled the resident pedo.
It's like the fact that yahwe is a posh cockmuncher, and is labelled a posh cockmuncher... no wait, it isn't like that at all.
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 15:39   #7
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phang
in fairness to travler, apart from when he's trying to troll yahwe he doesnt seem to go in too much for the whole "thou shalt live as the old testament commandeth" thing.
No I agree, he knows his stuff so respect for that. I picked up a bible once and that was to hit a kid with.
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 15:50   #8
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

i'm not sure where y'all did your bible learning, but, as Ms. Schlessinger is sure to point out,

the only part of the old testament that counts is the part where it points out that faggotry is satan sex.

so, the next time you find yourself in a fight with some other dude, and your wife wants to help out by grabbing his junk, but worries about her eternal salvation, feel free to shout "Don't worry dear; that part doesn't count!"

however, guard yourself against enjoying the sweaty, raw mancontact overmuch; for temptation takes no days off.
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 16:09   #9
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Only if you work for IBM.
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 17:14   #10
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pig
No I agree, he knows his stuff so respect for that.
No he doesn't, look at Vermillion's recent posts to him, he just ignores any non-trivial or flippant argument when responding.

Although I suppose that counts as "knowing your stuff" where this kind of religious argument is concerned.
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 17:20   #11
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

I guess
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 18:38   #12
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Christians ignore the Old Testement when it suits them, I think the 'gays are going to hell' thing comes primarilly from Paul's letters in the New Testement (fyi).
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Unread 27 Nov 2006, 20:38   #13
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodrog
Christians ignore the Old Testement when it suits them, I think the 'gays are going to hell' thing comes primarilly from Paul's letters in the New Testement (fyi).
I always thought it was in John ... mind you i always thought that on the basis that John himself was gay and it's usually poofs who 'queer-bash'

P.S. regarding the topic - president bartlett did it far better
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Unread 28 Nov 2006, 03:45   #14
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yahwe
P.S. regarding the topic - president bartlett did it far better
this is true. but calling 'old' - even by way of west wing references - is mean.
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Unread 28 Nov 2006, 11:15   #15
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phang
this is true. but calling 'old' - even by way of west wing references - is mean.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/drlaura.asp

Quote:
Origins: We first ran into this letter in the online world in May 2000
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Unread 28 Nov 2006, 16:12   #16
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

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I know it's much older than the WW scene. I was saying that I wasn't calling 'old', because its mean. I don't think there was any suggestion that the WW scene was the first appearance.
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Unread 28 Nov 2006, 16:55   #17
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phang
I know it's much older than the WW scene. I was saying that I wasn't calling 'old', because its mean. I don't think there was any suggestion that the WW scene was the first appearance.
Doesn't stop it being true!
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Unread 29 Nov 2006, 16:17   #18
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

I think we should make a new unofficial rule that if people are going to run in calling "OLD OLD OLD" then they should then provide something better that isn't "old" to keep the FUNNY TRAIN rolling!
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Unread 29 Nov 2006, 16:18   #19
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yahwe
P.S. regarding the topic - president bartlett did it far better
And Mitchell & Webb did that "Two German Officers" sketch much better than you did, but it didn't stop you pretending you'd written it, did it?
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Unread 29 Nov 2006, 21:05   #20
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomkat
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
We'd have to burn to death about half the population of at least 3-4 US States (and those of you from those states know who you are). I know my state requires you be at least a third cousin or greater difference in order to get married; but I wonder if that's enough difference to not qualify for being burned to death.

*Edit: I know it's a law because they ask you that when you go to the courthouse to get married.
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Unread 29 Nov 2006, 23:00   #21
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Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jt25man
We'd have to burn to death about half the population of at least 3-4 US States (and those of you from those states know who you are). I know my state requires you be at least a third cousin or greater difference in order to get married; but I wonder if that's enough difference to not qualify for being burned to death.

*Edit: I know it's a law because they ask you that when you go to the courthouse to get married.
I suppose incest is forbidden somewhere in the Bible so you'd probably die for that before you get anywhere near the extended family.
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Unread 30 Nov 2006, 07:50   #22
Tactitus
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Exclamation Re: Why can't I own a Canadian?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jt25man
I know my state requires you be at least a third cousin or greater difference in order to get married; but I wonder if that's enough difference to not qualify for being burned to death.

*Edit: I know it's a law because they ask you that when you go to the courthouse to get married.
I think you might be misremembering because no state disallows second (or more distant) cousin marriages (source).

Lev. 18 lists all the forbidden relationships, but cousins are not mentioned. The bible has many cousin marriages. For example, in Gen. 29, Jacob marries Leah and Rachel, both daughters of his mother's brother.
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