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Unread 27 Oct 2005, 23:17   #1
NitinA
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"Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

Comments, Please! It's a short story I wrote, and I'd like feedback
---
Numen

Long before any man enjoyed any beautiful state of consciousness, existed an actualized being who we, in our present state of incomprehension, can only refer to as the Divine. The Divine often played the game of creation-and-cessation with Himself. He would play this game by creating souls from Himself and absorbing them. One day the souls prayed to Him, “Oh Divine one! We are tired of this horrible game. Would the game be not more interesting if you left us alone so that we may try and duplicate you?” The Divine agreed and created ‘space’ and ‘time.’

Fascinated with the euphoria of freedom, the two souls forgot the Divine. They did not know what to do with their newfound existence. Intoxicated with their divinity, they became lazy.

The two souls ‘space’ and ‘time’ were empty structures which lacked content. Each night and each day they wept because their emptiness was unbearable. They begged the Divine, “Oh Divine one! Please enter us so that we may be filled!”

The Divine refused. “I can not be contained by anything. Whatever which attempts to contain me shall cease to exist itself.”

‘Space’ and ‘time’ asked the Divine, “Oh Divine one, in that case please touch us. A simple touch from the Divine one will give us enough substance to get rid of this consuming emptiness.”

Moved by their loneliness, the Divine one forged a child of inconceivable gifts. He said, “You will not be lonely anymore. I have created a child which will grow to become man.” He then called to ‘space’ and ‘time’ and asked, “What have you done to become like me?”

‘Space’ and ‘time’ hung their head in dishonor, “Oh Divine one! We did not do anything to be like you. We think we are already divine. There is no need to be like you, we already are.”

“You have my divinity, but not my Wisdom and Love. You will be like me when you grow these virtues, not before. I have created man for this reason. Unlike you, he will not forget because he is not divine. Yet by living within you, he is close to divinity. He will gain wisdom and love which you may never gain, but he will never reach divinity. Let the two of you live like a single body. For his sake you will strive and suffer to be like me.”

Ever since the Divine one created man, man has tried to connect with space and time. It is rarely that space, time, and man unite but when they do all three move closer to Wisdom and Love.
---
-NitinA
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Unread 27 Oct 2005, 23:28   #2
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

So these 2 got together, shagged and had a kid ?

That's the gist of it right ?
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Unread 27 Oct 2005, 23:31   #3
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

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Originally Posted by Vaio
So these 2 got together, shagged and had a kid ?

That's the gist of it right ?
Not really. It's meant to be more of a sortof creation mythology, without trying to slander any religion. It's just the result of boredom to be honest, but I think--at least to me--it illustrates some intresting ideas to think about.

It would be nice to get some real feedback, instead of people who need to assert their dominance over the internet.
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Unread 27 Oct 2005, 23:34   #4
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

You have to remember though, this is GD.

We like stories where Dave doesn't get the girl.

Where Kurashima gives some idiot a slap.

Where Silversmoke becomes a defence lawyer to help his girlfriend before he gets a 20 year jail sentence.

That sort of thing.
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 01:10   #5
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

gcse physics gone wrong.
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 01:16   #6
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

I would disagree. Wisdom and love are purely human creations, space and time are purely human adaptions and the divine is a figment of our collective imaginations. However it is a nicely written story, did you come up with it all yourself?
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 16:20   #7
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyBGood
I would disagree. Wisdom and love are purely human creations, space and time are purely human adaptions and the divine is a figment of our collective imaginations. However it is a nicely written story, did you come up with it all yourself?
Yeah I did. Though I would disagree with you on a few points there. For the sake of the story, I would argue that wisdom and love are not man-made qualities. Wisdom, when defined as "the ability to discern what is true, right, or lasting," i would say is present in mother nature and evolution--the wisdom to judge what should continue to exist and what should not. Love, on the other hand, would be the binding force which holds togother atoms (be it ionic/covalent/etc.). Decent arguements could be made either way.

-NitinA
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 16:49   #8
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

I think it's a beautiful story. It has a lyrcal rhythm to it too.
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 18:19   #9
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

Quote:
Originally Posted by NitinA
Wisdom, when defined as "the ability to discern what is true, right, or lasting," i would say is present in mother nature and evolution--the wisdom to judge what should continue to exist and what should not. Love, on the other hand, would be the binding force which holds togother atoms (be it ionic/covalent/etc.). Decent arguements could be made either way.
I'm not sure if this is a deliberate parody of Christianity/creationism, but its pretty excellent.
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 18:43   #10
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

Quote:
Originally Posted by NitinA
Yeah I did. Though I would disagree with you on a few points there. For the sake of the story, I would argue that wisdom and love are not man-made qualities. Wisdom, when defined as "the ability to discern what is true, right, or lasting," i would say is present in mother nature and evolution--the wisdom to judge what should continue to exist and what should not. Love, on the other hand, would be the binding force which holds togother atoms (be it ionic/covalent/etc.). Decent arguements could be made either way.

-NitinA
Are you serious? Evolution doesn't discern anything. Random shit happens for a while and then it works and boom natural selection! I don't see why we're calling all binding forces "love", personally I prefer the word "pringle".
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 19:04   #11
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

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Originally Posted by Nodrog
I'm not sure if this is a deliberate parody of Christianity/creationism, but its pretty excellent.
You have a nasty habit of editing your posts after I've read them (or deleting them). I quite liked your 'telesales people aren't human' post. Facist.


You're forcing me to reread your posts.
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 22:00   #12
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

The story is sweet. However, I find portions of it too self consciously written. A little awkward in the attempt to by lyrical.

example: "Long before any man enjoyed any beautiful state of consciousness" is over written. I understand what you are trying to do but these kind of phrases are over done and awkward.

"existed and actualized being" feels forced.

Also there were two souls who were praying to the Devine. It is unclear if these were the same souls which would be endlessly created and then reabsorbed or if they were new souls each time. Logicaly it seems that is must be the same souls. Then what happened? He created two more souls? He reabsorbed the other souls. Were there already just two souls and he gave them new properties?

This is not to say that I don't like the story. I do. I hope you give it a rewrite at some point and let us see the next incarnation.
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 22:08   #13
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

Quote:
Originally Posted by dda
The story is sweet. However, I find portions of it too self consciously written. A little awkward in the attempt to by lyrical.

example: "Long before any man enjoyed any beautiful state of consciousness" is over written. I understand what you are trying to do but these kind of phrases are over done and awkward.

"existed and actualized being" feels forced.

Also there were two souls who were praying to the Devine. It is unclear if these were the same souls which would be endlessly created and then reabsorbed or if they were new souls each time. Logicaly it seems that is must be the same souls. Then what happened? He created two more souls? He reabsorbed the other souls. Were there already just two souls and he gave them new properties?

This is not to say that I don't like the story. I do. I hope you give it a rewrite at some point and let us see the next incarnation.
I bet when dda sees a rainbow he thinks of spectrometry.
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 22:15   #14
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

No but when I see a story I think of writing.
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 22:18   #15
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

How interesting, when I see a story I think of four men named Alfred dancing a jig in Russian military uniforms to the tune of "Ave Maria" played on the electric guitar by Jimi Hendrix's ghost sparking up the largest joint in the world inside a goldfish bowl populated by flying crocodiles.
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 22:24   #16
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

Quote:
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No but when I see a story I think of writing.
Do you think of film making when you see a movie?
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Unread 28 Oct 2005, 22:34   #17
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Join Date: Jun 2005
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Re: "Numen" a (very) short story i wrote

If I am asked for feed back on a film, and if I found something distracting about the cinematography, then yes, I would think of the filming of that film.

Here, there are elements which distract from the basicly well-constructed short short story.

As I said, I like it.

If I thought it was crap I would have said nothing.
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