Nutty bint

[G_frog]

i was half expecting a link to CapMag defending just such a freedom.

[Ebany]

I'm just gonna give up repeating myself. I did thyink of one little thing though.

I have no problem with porn at all, indeed, it was generally me who downloaded the porn we had on the computer, although I didnt mind if he chose some of his own (assuming no animals or kids or the like, but that never came up). At one point there was a large collection of magazines kept in the lounge. This wasnt a problem to me at all. I wouldnt have been happy had he suddenly started to keep it by the bed though. I cant really say why, but it just feels....nasty....somehow. I wouldnt suddently expect him to throw all the porn out and clear it off the computer, but I'd ask if it could live somewhere else. And I would hope that out of concern for my happiniess he would be willing to do it.

[MrL_JaKiri]

Porn pfft

[JonnyBGood]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

It hurts my feelings because it is taking away a basic freedom that I went to lengths to protect from the beginning of our relationship., She led me to believe this freedom was safe and has now betrayed me by saying it is not.

It undermines my attempts of being honest and open.

She changed her mind. You hardly expected that not to happen at some point during your relationship. At the start it was probably of little consequence to her because she wasn't sure whether the relationship would last and didn't want to damage it over something that was, at that point, relatively inconsequential. Now however she's probably decided that whatever the hell it is you're doing is not suited to what she expects of her partner at this point in the relationship.

[Ebany]

Its not undermining your honesty, but it is clearly sending the message 'I'm honest and you have to lump it. You be honest and I'll ignore you'

She is just being honest back at you, saying her feelings about this particular set of pictures being in the bedside cabinet have changed and she would appreciate it if you moved them. Clearly the honesty is only supposed to be on your side.

Shes supposed to hide her feelings about things to avoid upsetting you is she? Oh theres a lovely range of things that could be said about that.

[madi]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

It hurts my feelings because it is taking away a basic freedom that I went to lengths to protect from the beginning of our relationship., She led me to believe this freedom was safe and has now betrayed me by saying it is not.

It undermines my attempts of being honest and open.

what the **** are you on about now?

she told you she was ok with you keeping porn
just not photographs of another woman next to the bed in which she sleeps

next you will be saying she is taking away your basic freedom to leave the toilet seat up because she said it was bad feng shui


GROW UP

[CrashTester]

Originally Posted by JonnyBGood

She changed her mind. You hardly expected that not to happen at some point during your relationship. At the start it was probably of little consequence to her because she wasn't sure whether the relationship would last and didn't want to damage it over something that was, at that point, relatively inconsequential. Now however she's probably decided that whatever the hell it is you're doing is not suited to what she expects of her partner at this point in the relationship.

So I'll ask again, what have I done wrong?

What you are saying is that people can change their mind and thats OK, whatever the consequence? Im saying I agree, but that is no problem of mine and I should not be expected to change as a result. Otherwise we would get nowhere people can change their minds on a whim.

I will remain steadfast though. Someone has to.

[CrashTester]

Originally Posted by madi

what the **** are you on about now?

she told you she was ok with you keeping porn
just not photographs of another woman next to the bed in which she sleeps

next you will be saying she is taking away your basic freedom to leave the toilet seat up because she said it was bad feng shui


GROW UP

OK, nice and simple for the lady.

Bottom line is, she knew what I was like and that I was happy to remain out of a relationship with her or anyone at the time. She took the chance and stuck around and got closer.

It's of no concern of mine of things then happen that she doesnt like, especially when she was aware of these factors from the start. In this instance it is about pics of naked women, but what next??

Maybe there are still too many big words in there, I dunno.

[I am Idler]

Originally Posted by madi

what the **** are you on about now?

she told you she was ok with you keeping porn
just not photographs of another woman next to the bed in which she sleeps

next you will be saying she is taking away your basic freedom to leave the toilet seat up because she said it was bad feng shui


GROW UP

spoken like a true female

why are you being so god damn difficult to understand

[MrL_JaKiri]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

I will remain steadfast though. Someone has to.

But you don't.

[madi]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

It's of no concern of mine of things then happen that she doesnt like.

you are a tit

[I am Idler]

answer my question madi..

whats so difficult about a picture

[MrL_JaKiri]

Originally Posted by I am Idler

answer my question madi..

whats so difficult about a picture

Your question appeared to be 'Why are you so goddamn difficult to understand'

[I am Idler]

she didnt want to answer the question..
as madi is obviously a classy lady

[MrL_JaKiri]

I'd suggest that the question is invalid.

[Vermillion]

Oh for Christ's sake...

Crashtester, you are inflexible, inconsiderate and unreasonable. I recommend you break up with this girl for two reasons:

-save her the pain of dealing with you:
-ending this thread, saving us the pain of dealing with you.

As a final thought, your girlfriend and everyone on this board all seem to believe you are being stupidly inflexible, and genuinely uncaring about anything but yourself. Could you stop and consider for a moment, that maybe, just maybe, you might be wrong and everyone else you tell this story to might be right?

[CrashTester]

Hi Verm. How are you today?

I have considered that but I came to the conclusion that I am right and everyone else is, in fact, wrong.

[madi]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

Hi Verm. How are you today?

I have considered that but I came to the conclusion that I am right and everyone else is, in fact, wrong.

btw

how old are you?

[JonnyBGood]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

So I'll ask again, what have I done wrong?

What you are saying is that people can change their mind and thats OK, whatever the consequence? Im saying I agree, but that is no problem of mine and I should not be expected to change as a result. Otherwise we would get nowhere people can change their minds on a whim.

I will remain steadfast though. Someone has to.

Life is not, REPEAT NOT, fair. If you want to have a relationship you have to accept that. You don't have to change, nobody's going to send you to prison or compare you to hitler. In the name of christ though, is this the first girlfriend you've ever had? Surely you have some idea what an actual relationship involves? What you've got to ask yourself is whether or not a stupid picture next to your bed is more important than the woman you're with. If it is I think you know what you should do.

[madi]

Originally Posted by I am Idler

she didnt want to answer the question..
as madi is obviously a classy lady

yes

but mostly cause it didnt make sense

m
xx

[CrashTester]

wiser than you.

[CrashTester]

Originally Posted by JonnyBGood

Life is not, [i]REPEAT NOT[/i,] fair. If you want to have a relationship you have to accept that. You don't have to change, nobody's going to send you to prison or compare you to hitler. In the name of christ though, is this the first girlfriend you've ever had? Surely you have some idea what an actual relationship involves? What you've got to ask yourself is whether or not a stupid picture next to your bed is more important than the woman you're with. If it is I think you know what you should do.

I''ve had plenty of relationships. I've compromised. I've sacraficed. I've loved. I've lost. I've realised you cant change people. I've realised the only person you can be sure of is yourself.

I made sure my GF knew who I was and what I was from the start so she can make her own decisions based on what she wants from a relationship and whether or not she will get it. She did that, now she must live with the results or we have no relationship, its gone.

I am the constant in the relationship.

You seem to buy into the idea that relationships are something that you must keep bashing away at in order to get right. I buy into the idea that all you have to do is get the right person from the start, everything else will be just fine. If she wasnt honest with me (and herself) from the start or keeps changing her mind, I see no reason to change what I want to accomodate her.

[madi]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

wiser than you.

laff

[JonnyBGood]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

I''ve had plenty of relationships. I've compromised. I've sacraficed. I've loved. I've lost. I've realised you cant change people. I've realised the only person you can be sure of is yourself.

I do witty cliches as well. We should get together and drink coffee while discussing Marx. And you can change people, you just can't snap your fingers and expect to march to the tune of a different beat.

I made sure my GF knew who I was and what I was from the start so she can make her own decisions based on what she wants from a relationship and whether or not she will get it. She did that, now she must live with the results or we have no relationship, its gone.

At this point I hope for her sake she leaves you. Frankly you're just not the relationship sort.

I am the constant in the relationship.

Do you honestly think you were 100% in the right at the beginning, that no change could possibly improve you as a person? Or indeed that you have not changed, change being the fundamental characteristic of human life?

You seem to buy into the idea that relationships are something that you must keep bashing away at in order to get right. I buy into the idea that all you have to do is get the right person from the start, everything else will be just fine. If she wasnt honest with me (and herself) from the start or keeps changing her mind, I see no reason to change what I want to accomodate her.

Relationships are something you have to work at in order to get right. I imagine that one in a million relationships just click and work perfectly from the beginning but to want that sort of relationship is like reading a book about quantum mechanics and hurling yourself off a 400 metre tall wall because theoretically it's possible you might fall through the earth (if some pedantic physisict replies to this I'm banning you, seriously!) If you won't work to accomodate her you've got a pretty shoddy relationship and you're right, it's not worth the trouble of saving.

[Danae]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

I''ve had plenty of relationships.

amazing.

i wonder why they don't last :)

[CrashTester]

Originally Posted by JonnyBGood

I do witty cliches as well. We should get together and drink coffee while discussing Marx. And you can change people, you just can't snap your fingers and expect to march to the tune of a different beat.

I'd love to, but I'll be counting my feet.

You cant change people who dont want to be changed. I dont want to be changed, I am happy as I am. I am happy with what I want out of life and a relationship. I dont want to be changed.

At this point I hope for her sake she leaves you. Frankly you're just not the relationship sort.

She wont. My GF thinks I am.

Do you honestly think you were 100% in the right at the beginning, that no change could possibly improve you as a person? Or indeed that you have not changed, change being the fundamental characteristic of human life?

Its not about right and wrong, its about what I want. And on that score I am 100% right to defend my stance.

Relationships are something you have to work at in order to get right. I imagine that one in a million relationships just click and work perfectly from the beginning but to want that sort of relationship is like reading a book about quantum mechanics and hurling yourself off a 400 metre tall wall because theoretically it's possible you might fall through the earth (if some pedantic physisict replies to this I'm banning you, seriously!) If you won't work to accomodate her you've got a pretty shoddy relationship and you're right, it's not worth the trouble of saving.

I dont agree.

[CrashTester]

Originally Posted by Danae

amazing.

i wonder why they don't last

Yes, in all of them I've compromised and sacraficed. Its still very amazing.

[Embroglio]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

Its not about right and wrong, its about what I want. And on that score I am 100% right to defend my stance.

[Ebany]

People will change if you also change. That way you grow closer together and the relationship improves more often than not. If neither of you change then there is a tiny chance you may have met that one person in a million trillion who does think you're wonderful exactly as you are, but its more likely that along the way you will get sick of each other being totally inflexible and break up. Or in your case she will get sick of constantly changing for you (which youre most likely totally unaware of her doing) and you being totally pig-headed when she asks for some slight change and dump you.

I hope for her sake this comes sooner rather than later. Can we have this poor girls email address so we can try to help her see the light. It sounds like you have her brainwashed or soemthing.

[Nodrog]

I dont understand why you all have such a problem with what CT is saying. His whole point seems to be that its dumb to stay with someone that you arent really suited for, and if you continually have to 'compromise' and 'change yourself', then its obvious that you arent particularly suited for each, and that youre just lying to yourself by pretending that you are in order to "save the relationship". I think hes saying that you all seem completely fixated on the idea of "staying together" - as if you see 'breaking up with someone' as being the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone ever, while he sees at as being infinitely preferable to staying with someone you arent really suited for, contintually 'compromising', and then realising a few years down the line that youve been living a lie and have wasted X amount of time on a broken relationship, that could have been better spent finding someone you are better matched with.

[Obliterate]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

Its not about right and wrong, its about what I want. And on that score I am 100% right to defend my stance.

and what she wants doesn't come into this at all, does it?

[CrashTester]

Originally Posted by Ebany

People will change if you also change. That way you grow closer together and the relationship improves more often than not. If neither of you change then there is a tiny chance you may have met that one person in a million trillion who does think you're wonderful exactly as you are, but its more likely that along the way you will get sick of each other being totally inflexible and break up. Or in your case she will get sick of constantly changing for you (which youre most likely totally unaware of her doing) and you being totally pig-headed when she asks for some slight change and dump you.

I hope for her sake this comes sooner rather than later. Can we have this poor girls email address so we can try to help her see the light. It sounds like you have her brainwashed or soemthing.

Thats all rather niaive.

'People will change if you also change. That way you grow closer together and the relationship improves more often than not.'

But Im not changing, so why is she?

Your talk of changing people indicates that you dont mind being manipulated, that its part of the course if you want to be in a relationship. I dont agree. It doesnt make me wrong if anything it shows up your own faults ('i will do anything to be with you' type insecurities).

I used to be very jealous, now I am not - I changed myself. I didnt need to cling to someone else to make me see that, I was able to self regulate my feelings. That is why I will do anything to protect where I am now.

Her email addy is [email protected]. I'm sure she would love to hear from you and swap bunny boiling tales.

[Ebany]

Nod - a fair few of us have suggested he break up with her, mostly for the poor girls sake. However, we are also offering other advice too. While indeed, people don't HAVE to change if they dont wish to, there are a lot of people out there who are close to what is perfect, and with a few, unimportant, changes things can be fine and dandy. I would agree that totally changing your life isnt the best way to go into relationships (a touch hypocritical for me, but hey, saying I'm speaking from experience sounds better) but a few small changes for the sake of harmony arent exactly going to alter the course of your life.

[MrL_JaKiri]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

'People will change if you also change. That way you grow closer together and the relationship improves more often than not.'

But Im not changing, so why is she?

You misunderstood. I could correct you, but you wouldn't listen.

[Nodrog]

Originally Posted by Ebany

Nod - a fair few of us have suggested he break up with her, mostly for the poor girls sake. However, we are also offering other advice too. While indeed, people don't HAVE to change if they dont wish to, there are a lot of people out there who are close to what is perfect, and with a few, unimportant, changes things can be fine and dandy. I would agree that totally changing your life isnt the best way to go into relationships (a touch hypocritical for me, but hey, saying I'm speaking from experience sounds better) but a few small changes for the sake of harmony arent exactly going to alter the course of your life.

Theres a difference between making a small change regarding something that is a genuine fault in you, and making a small change to cater to someone elses random whims/desires/insecurities. Changing in the second case is almost always wrong, but noone here really seems to be making the distinction ("BUT IT WILL MAKE HER HAPPY, YOU WANT HER TO BE HAPPY DONT YOU!?!?!?")

[CrashTester]

Originally Posted by Nodrog

I dont understand why you all have such a problem with what CT is saying. His whole point seems to be that its dumb to stay with someone that you arent really suited for, and if you continually have to 'compromise' and 'change yourself', then its obvious that you arent particularly suited for each, and that youre just lying to yourself by pretending that you are in order to "save the relationship". I think hes saying that you all seem completely fixated on the idea of "staying together" - as if you see 'breaking up with someone' as being the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone ever, while he sees at as being infinitely preferable to staying with someone you arent really suited for, contintually 'compromising', and then realising a few years down the line that youve been living a lie and have wasted X amount of time on a broken relationship, that could have been better spent finding someone you are better matched with.

Thank you, that is certainly an undelying point of what this discussion has become. I thought for a while that I was talking foreign.

[MrL_JaKiri]

Originally Posted by CrashTester

Thank you, that is certainly an undelying point of what this discussion has become. I thought for a while that I was talking foreign.

Being supported by nod is like being supported by the BNP in an equal opportunities debate.

[Ebany]

Cant say I agree with you there Nod. Changing to appeal to peoples whims is what makes people happy. Equally, once the whim changes away again you can go back to how you were. Its being flexible about things. This seems to be a very poorly understood concept among men. There again, so are many things.

Sometimes I wonder why we bother.

[CrashTester]

Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri

You misunderstood. I could correct you, but you wouldn't listen.

I know perfectly what she meant. What is the point in me changing only to have her change to what she should have been in the beginning? Why not cut out all the crap and just accept what I wanted in the beginning wasnt that bad afterall??

Its all games!

[Nodrog]

Originally Posted by Ebany

Cant say I agree with you there Nod. Changing to appeal to peoples whims is what makes people happy. Equally, once the whim changes away again you can go back to how you were. Its being flexible about things. This seems to be a very poorly understood concept among men. There again, so are many things.

Sometimes I wonder why we bother.

Ah, so your ultimate justification of all this is: "because men and women are fundamentally different!!!!".

I see now.

[MrL_JaKiri]

Originally Posted by Nodrog

Ah, so your ultimate justification of all this is: "because men and women are fundamentally different!!!!".

I see now.

Well, they are.

[Ebany]

Well duh.

Hadnt you noticed?

[Ebany]

Given that men and women are quite evidently different, its hardly surprising you are experienceing problems, as you are thinking of the situation as if it were happeneing between two men (not in a gay way, merely in the way you expect her to think and act). She is a girl. She will think and act in a girl way. Several of our half of the species have attempted to give you insights into the way the female mind works, and you refuse to accept it as valid as its not the male way of thinking. I'll be impressed if you ever manage to find a girl who thinks in a male fashion (well, manage to find a straight one).

[CrashTester]

But regardless of that, I made my 'rules', if you like to call them that, clear from the outset and she was happy to accept me and those 'rules'.

All I am saying is that if she has changed her mind and no longer likes those 'rules' then that isnt my fault and I should not be expected to change. I of course have the option to change, but in this situation I dont feel I want to. I have still done nothing wrong.

I cant help her being a girlie and if she wants to make up her own rules as she goes along, thats fine but I'm not going to play by those rules. Its not a fault its a choice.

[MrL_JaKiri]

Your rule being 'I want to keep my porn' or similar?

How is you moving said porn breaking your rule?

[Ebany]

Indeed, was your rule 'I will forever more keep my porn in my bedside cabinet'?

[G_frog]

Life is unfair/
Kill yourself or get over it

http://www.yimpan.com/Songsite/Lyric/index.asp?sid=4102

[Nodrog]

Originally Posted by Ebany

Given that men and women are quite evidently different, its hardly surprising you are experienceing problems, as you are thinking of the situation as if it were happeneing between two men (not in a gay way, merely in the way you expect her to think and act). She is a girl. She will think and act in a girl way. Several of our half of the species have attempted to give you insights into the way the female mind works, and you refuse to accept it as valid as its not the male way of thinking. I'll be impressed if you ever manage to find a girl who thinks in a male fashion (well, manage to find a straight one).

Yeah, this post pretty much sums your whole argument up.

[Nodrog]

Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri

Well, they are.

Could you give some examples of "girl thinking" and "guy thinking" then?

[Dante Hicks]

Originally Posted by MrL_JaKiri

Being supported by nod is like being supported by the BNP in an equal opportunities debate.

Except that he's right?