Overcome shyness

[Blastoderm]

I realised my conversation skills has got worse and I was told that it's due to shyness.


If it's true, how the **** could I overcome it?

[All Systems Go]

Is it shyness?

Do you speak less for fear of being embaressed etc or have you just spent too much time in isolation on the internet?

[mist]

get drunk and/or high! \o/

alternativly, imagine them in their underwear - tho, i never understood this one, surely it makes it harder to talk to women? the cute ones i'd imagine you'd be even more nervous, and who the hell'd want to talk to two tonne tina after seeing her in underwear anyway?

[Ste]

stop playing on your psp and talk to people

nah, you don't seem overly shy. Well you haven't the few times when I've been for a drink with you.

[Tomkat]

Just remember that the worst possible thing that could happen as a result of you talking to someone you don't really know is them being a bit offish and abrupt, and you having to stop the conversation.

It'd be a bit of an ego-killer, but most people ARE willing to talk to others. As long as you introduce yourself without sounding like an idiot (which I'm sure you're able to do).

[Phil^]

I have a similar problem, its not something you can easily get over - I know
but, forcing yourself to actually talk to people ( or people forcing you to talk to them by coming over and chatting regardless ) helps.
only through the likes of people like A2, Kloopy, Smudge, etc walking over and talking to me was I partially able to overcome my own shyness.

[Blastoderm]

I must admit I'm shy when I'm introduced to someone i.e. a fit girl but I'm generally not shy when I meet new people.

But is conversation skills really related to shyness? If so, then I must be shy (hence why I'm anti-social sometimes).

[vampire_lestat]

Originally Posted by horn

yes

and the single best way is to try and rationalize your fears.
realise how shit everyone else is, remember that you know who and what you are not them.
you can't just say to yourself over and over in your head "i don't care what anyone else thinks", because it doesn't work. You have to really believe it.
You'll know when this happens when you actually start telling people why they're shit.

shortcut is booze

I've been saying people are shit for years, they think I'm just 'being funny', one day everyone will realise that I haven't been joking...

[SilverSmoke]

I used to be really shy and sometimes it still hits back on me but the point is that you just should stop thinking that you're so important that people judge every single action and word you do and say as people are just like you, too much busy with their own behaviour and image.

Shortly said, get over yourself.


Just surprise yourself and tell things and ask stuff to people you normally wouldn't or would over analyse.

[eJohn]

Why bother overcoming it?

I can converse with people as freely as i like, but i tend to find its generally a waste of time. Learn to enjoy spending time with yourself.

[SilverSmoke]

The original poster seem to see it as a problem. We aren't speaking about the ability of enjoying time with yourself, on that aspect I think my circle of friends/family/gf thinks I am a loony introvert some now and then. I can't live without time with myself but when communicating to people I just advise the op to stop caring to much, i believe shyness is quite an egocentric thing.

[eJohn]

not sure egocentric is the right term, that would suggest shy people value THEMSELVES too highly, not value the impression they are giving off.

A bit of self awareness is all good to be honest. Over confident people can be the best people youve ever met, or complete asshats.

[dda]

I think that the first thing which you should do is analyze those situations in which you feel relaxed and enjoy communicating with people and those situation in which you don't feel relaxed and have a hard time enjoying communicating with people.

If you don't feel comfortable in all forms of communication then you have a problem. If there are areas, say over the internet, over the phone or whatever where you do feel comfortable then what is it about that type or form of communication that makes you feel comfortable.

Once you get some idea about what it is that is making you comfortable then you can build on it. For the most part, the more you do something the more easily it comes.

[meglamaniac]

I used to be very worried about talking to "strangers", and therefore had difficulty making new friends. I'm not sure what changed exactly, but by the time I was in secondary school I had sorted it out.


The best advice I can give you might seem strange: don't think about what you're saying, and don't think about what effect it might have.

A lot of my shyness stemmed from fear of making a mistake, of looking like an idiot. One thing is for sure; if you stand there self-critiquing every word that comes out of your mouth, there's no way you're going to have your attention on the actual conversation. As has already been said, what's the worst that can happen?
Ok, in interviews or whatever it can cost you, so practice socially first if you must. Talk to random people in clubs/bars/pubs where-ever else you go to socialise - most of them are there to relax anyway.

Admittedly I'm now the sort of person who annoys people by trying to start conversations while in the queue for the cash machine (proof it can be taken too far!), but who cares - there's pretty much no chance I'll see any of those people again, so why should I bother what they think.

[KoeN]

beer.

[Chunderbunny]

I used to be pretty shy when I was in my early teens. I still am, in that I get uncomfortable and anxious in a lot of situations, but I can always seem to overcome it.

Conversation wise, I'd advise always having something interesting to say. Read the news, watch films, read books, listen to music. I actually shoot myself in the foot in a big way here because I don't watch tv, and many, many people like watching TV. But it helps keep the convo flowing.

Don't be afraid to talk about yourself (but obviously not too much). I always get this thing at the back of my head saying 'don't talk about yourself, your pretty boring'. But the simple fact is, people quite often like hearing about others, especially if you do/have done something interesting. And more importantly, having the confidence to talk about yourself often gives others the confidence to do the same, which usually prompts more convo, and you get to know someone better, thus have more avenues of conversation to hold.

Also, especially with girls, work out ways to get people to talk about themselves, and listen. This is great, you can sometimes sit back and let someone else do all the work But again, like talking about yourself, theres a balance to be had, don't do it too much, or you make people feel like they have to make all the conversation.

Finally, don't be so wrapped up in conversation or your worry of it that your unobservant of things around you. Sometimes the best convo topics are right there in front of your face, other people in the same room, things on the TV, things around you etc. Plus, some of the most funny and engaging people I know rarely talk about outside what is happening at a given moment in the immediate vicinity.

Im sure theres a million and one other things, but theres a few tricks I use.

[midge5]

You seemed fine when i met you.

Though i sort of have the same problem which is getting easier now. Interviews I have always been fine and in the past couple of years I am okay now in groups with new people as I don't feel too much pressure on me to make conversation.

When it is just two of you though, I find that awkward. I don't particularly like silence so whenever there is a gap in the conversation I am always desperately trying to think of things tosay. I meet the odd person who we just seem to click and this doesn't happen with but for most it just seems to be a struggle to find some sort of common ground and I just begin to feel really uncomfortable.

[Nodrog]

I dont think theres any concise list of things that you can do to overcome shyness, because I would say that its generally caused by a lack of 'social confidence'* as a whole, which quite possibly stems from self-esteem problems. If you genuinelly believe that youre a fantastic person, and that people are going to like you and enjoy talking to you, then you probably arent going to be shy around them. Acquiring this kind of confidence is difficult though (except in the short term, where drugs generally suffice), but your best bet is probably to devote a lot of work to turning yourself into someone you are proud to be, as cheesy as it sounds. Try to always look your best (most people seem to be more confident around strangers when they think they look hot), and to generally develop your character in a direction that emphasises the things you value. Be passionate about life, and the things you love. Train yourself to care less about the opinions of average people, and only pay attention to those that you think are worth bothering about - being shy around others generally depends on you caring about what they think of you. Obviously none of this is a short term solution, but then theres always alcohol for that.

I wouldnt say that bad conversation skills are necessarily a result of shyness though. Sometimes you just arent going to get along with people, and conversation wont move beyond smalltalk unless you try to force it in a manner which may not feel natural. As long as youre capable of holding decent conversations with those you care about, I wouldnt say that you had poor social skills as such. I suppose you could try to become the type of person who gets on well with everyone, but I'm not sure what the point would be, or what would be in it for you.



* which, it took me a long time to realise, is quite different from 'confidence' in general.

[Chunderbunny]

Then theres always internet rep to rub your esteem up. Try telling some people you got 27 points of rep on the internet yesterday. They'll love you to bits

[wu_trax]

Try not to think too much about it. If you believe you have bad conversation skills they truly become bad, because you worry too much about not saying something stupid. Just be as you are, if people dont like that, **** them, there are millions of other people to talk to.
When talking to some fit girl, try not to think about how great they look or how to get her into bed. (well, that's my theory since last monday anyway)

[Dante Hicks]

Originally Posted by Nodrog

If you genuinelly believe that youre a fantastic person, and that people are going to like you and enjoy talking to you, then you probably arent going to be shy around them.

I've not found this to be the case.