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1 Feb 2006, 09:58
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#1
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Has Soup On His Head
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 10,095
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Just got into work? Cant be arsed this morning?
Cheer yourself up a bit with these
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers
or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written
by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G,
revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the capital of France? - F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? - Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25) Something slippery? - A conman
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30) Something red? - My sweater
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or
false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV
show,so I'll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?
DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark
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1 Feb 2006, 10:21
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#2
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Guy next door
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 4,745
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Re: Just got into work? Cant be arsed this morning?
Due to circumstances I am degrated to a callcentre bitch for today it seems. Shit.
__________________
..look
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1 Feb 2006, 10:52
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#3
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cynic
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Bishop Auckland Co. Durham
Posts: 8,809
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Re: Just got into work? Cant be arsed this morning?
an early morning smile
__________________
lazy
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1 Feb 2006, 11:50
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#4
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nomen est omen
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Bristol, UK
Posts: 1,095
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Re: Just got into work? Cant be arsed this morning?
Quote:
Originally Posted by roadrunner_0
an early morning smile
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__________________
Me=Hans_Blix
Views expressed are those of the author and not of any company or organisation I am associated with. Electronic communication can be forged and the integrity of this message is not guaranteed.
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1 Feb 2006, 12:24
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#5
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Bored
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Nottm ->Shef ->Croydon ->Manc ->Durham ->Sheffield
Posts: 6,506
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Re: Just got into work? Cant be arsed this morning?
okok I'll share some of the million circulating emails I've had at work:
Quote:
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right Wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal Climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost You?"
Two million dollars" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you Coming."
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Quote:
>On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and
> shouted
> >into the phone: "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!" The voice
> >from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong
> >extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
> >"No," replied the trainee.
> >"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
> > The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F***ING
> >talking to, you F***ING idiot?"
> >
> >"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly "Oh thank God for
> >that!" replied the trainee and slammed the phone down
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Quote:
Hi gents,
To start 2006;
A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, he find there was only one dog!
It was a shitzu.
Regards;
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Etc etc
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1 Feb 2006, 12:25
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#6
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Tiny Dancer
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Yellow Brick Road
Posts: 355
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Re: Just got into work? Cant be arsed this morning?
ive read most of them before, but it doesnt take away the fact they're great
__________________
[16:09] <eJohn> im still standing
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1 Feb 2006, 12:41
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#7
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BlueTuba
Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 6,339
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Re: Just got into work? Cant be arsed this morning?
and if that's on the board, i'll give you the money meself
__________________
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
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1 Feb 2006, 19:37
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#8
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The Twilight of the Gods
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 23,481
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Re: Just got into work? Cant be arsed this morning?
The person who wrote/compiled that list fairly obviously hasn't seen Family Fortunes.
Quote:
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
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What?
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