A lovely sad rant for you to tear me apart over

[eJohn]

Id like to be serious here for one minute,

Im pretty ****ed up, and I mean super ****ed up. ****ed up to the extent where im having trouble getting through the night once ive taken off my clothes and locked my door.

Theres not many good ways to structure this, so ill just bombard you with a whole load of rubbish at once.

I am pretty much undiagnosed OCD, and im depressed (I typed clinically, but I don’t know at what stage depression becomes clinical or whatnot). And by depressed I don’t mean im low, I mean im ****ed up, I’m gone. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, but it has only been the past few years ive stopped blaming people, events, myself, etc, and realised im mentally deficient.

The only way I got off the floor just now was by promising myself id write this and put this pretty desperate plea for attention up where someone might read it. Im not using a metaphor, ive just been smelling the shake n vac.

As much as I dislike doing this ( I don’t so much oppose using the internet as a vehicle, but im not sure laying yourself on the line to multiple strangers on a public forum is necessarily wise or a healthy step ) im honest to god at the stage where I need to get through the end of the night somehow.

I live in a flat with a few other folk. I have got to the stage where I don’t want to look any of them in the face, I detest everything about them so much, each for different reasons. None of the reasons make sense, none of them stick, none of them make them bad people, but for 50% of the time, I feel they should be thanking me for not having killed them over the past 6 months.

I wouldn’t so much call myself suicidal, as I would say I cant possibly be expected to live like this any more. The panic attacks like now - the anger, the sorrow, the hatred - and you probably wouldn’t expect to hear these, but the guilt, the love, the exuberance (which leads to guilt).

Ive been on meds for 4 months. The first set served to numb everything and turn me into a machine - but every 4-5 days everything would hit me at once and I’d be unprepared to face it. This set ‘worked’ for around 2 weeks, but even then (get this) I longed to be sad, because I felt the meds had taken away an important part of me, indeed, the only part that mattered. The last time I saw the doc, she made an appointment (I had previously refused) to see a shrink, the appointment is in 10 days, but when the nights like this come, I truly don’t think I can last as long as that.

You have to understand that as melodramatic as this seems, im typing this not for sympathy, but to keep my hands occupied, and to convince myself that im making some sort of productive effort to get out of the rut im in. This is the same reason I ended up going to the doc for the meds at first ( I thoroughly oppose the idea of anti depressants, I view them as thought control. The only reason the government / society cares whether im mentally well or not is if im not, I can never be a productive part of the economy. Sacrificing personality and nature for efficiency and economy doesn’t satisfy me).

I have, or am in the process of, severing all my ties and links. I have no interest in my family. My father is cold and tries to live his failed life through me, and my mother has Clinical Depression and has been cooped up in bed almost my entire life. Neither of them has the faintest clue who I am, or how I am, and I intend to keep it that way, even if it results in derogatory crap being hurled in my direction, calling me lazy, unmotivated, selfish, etc. I don’t mind. Neither of them can think past themselves enough to consider my nature, and its many years since I remotely gave a crap about either of them.

There are two people in this world who know I’m on meds and even remotely know how I feel day to day. The first of them (A) left for Canada for a year in the Summer and hasn’t been in touch as much as I want (need) even though we’re living together next year. She’s suffered with similar issues in the past, and has self harmed. Ive confessed every horrible thing Ive ever felt to her, but together, we always seem cold and reserved when we talk about these double lives we lead.

The second of them (B) came into my room earlier in the year when I hadn’t left it for three days to find me lying on the floor, I hadn’t moved much in a couple of hours. I told her how appalling I felt and that Im on meds etc, and she listened, and was great. For a while, she was my rock. You can pretty much already guess the next line. I’ve been infatuated good and proper with B for the last 25+ months. We’ve been ‘close’ on many levels, but essentially ive ruined everything by making myself into a dependant, emotionally. Shes simply obligated to care for me, so that’s that, forever. It hasn’t stopped her getting my hopes up and breaking my heart at least twice a day. Ive lived with her for the whole 2 and a half years as well. Also, a lot of my resentment towards A is that she wasn’t in ANY sort of contact with me for about a month (first month of meds) and when B asked me what was up, I crumbled. I should never, ever, have said a word. Because now B (although me and her are ridiculously close) being the single minded dozey boot that she is, doesn’t seem to realise depression’s not just for Christmas, shes awful for me, she doesn’t help at all. I don’t think shes asked me how the new meds are since Ive been on them (dec 6th +/-). And what am I meant to do, turn our entire relationship into a “so I felt like choking myself yesterday” when shes lying with her head in my lap?

I can’t, and don’t cry, with the exception of when I wake up after dreams. Sometimes I get scared (paradox) that I cant feel anything. Sometimes I feel everything too much and I cant calm myself down. The anger at least, is an outlet. Self harm has never appealed to me.

I honestly don’t have a ****ing clue what to do. If rationale had anything to do with it, id be fine. I want to leave, I want to walk away and leave everything and everyone, but I don’t have anywhere to go or anyone to go to, and with my financial situation (entirely dependant on grandparents) its not feasible. I’m doing well at uni, (2/1, perhaps a 1st), but I don’t give a shit, because theres honestly not a chance I’ll ever be able to hold down a job in the state im in.

I’m thinking of asking the doc to give me prescription sleeping pills, preferably enough to knock out a horse. As soon as these nights happen, I could end them, without ending myself. Because every time one comes along, im surprised I survive. It can take nothing - or the slightest thing - hearing people outside laugh - or B going out to a club and my body not letting me sleep till shes come back alone. Its pretty obvious I need to cut all ties with her because (I don’t even like her, merely love her) shes no use for me, and I’ll never grow as a person. I thought maybe me and A could move in together (she’s gay, by the way, theres “nothing there”), but im so disenchanted with her coolness I don’t know what I want. The other 3 flatmates (1 moody girl, 1 frivolous girl, and 1 guy who clings on to me like ****), I honestly don’t care about any more. Im fed up of people looking to me for answers and entertainment.

I thought this place was far too cheery recently. I will sleep tonight now, I’m calmer, knowing that along with the tl;dr’s, someone will have read this and perhaps related to something. Actually I just added that last bit on for no reason, I don’t really care if anyone relates. Well, not that I don’t care, im glad for you, but it doesn’t make a lick of difference to me. Ive just been taught always to add a conclusion.

[G.K Zhukov]

1) Go see that shrink
2) If you want to have an okey relationship with other human beeings, you can't be self-centered all the time. A friendship goes both ways.
3) I dont think you are in a shape to have a gf right now. Try to be friends with them instead.
4) Try to do some physical training. This have helped me in the past. Training makes you a) feel better about yourself b) takes the focus off your mind c) gives you a place to meet people (try basketball for instace).
5) Talk to your doctor about those meds you are taking.
6) Consider to tell the people you live with about your condition, so that they can better understand you.

Hope it helps. Take care of yourself.

[Cannon_Fodder]

All I can say after the first paragraph:

Are you s|k's friend?

[Chunderbunny]

Originally Posted by G.K Zhukov

1) Go see that shrink
2) If you want to have an okey relationship with other human beeings, you can't be self-centered all the time. A friendship goes both ways.
3) I dont think you are in a shape to have a gf right now. Try to be friends with them instead.
4) Try to do some physical training. This have helped me in the past. Training makes you a) feel better about yourself b) takes the focus off your mind c) gives you a place to meet people (try basketball for instace).
5) Talk to your doctor about those meds you are taking.
6) Consider to tell the people you live with about your condition, so that they can better understand you.

Hope it helps. Take care of yourself.

I can't agree more with number 4)

I wen't through a real rough patch for various reasons that I don't really want to go into about 2 years ago, and I can relate to the not moving state, lying on the floor, not leaving my flat (or even my room) for days at a time, sleepless nights etc. One thing that really helped me get out of it was hard exercise. I went swimming about 5 times a week. It gave me a schedule to work around, a reason to leave the flat. It was good to feel something other than numbness from the hard exercise, plus there was something quite comforting and meditative about swimming, can't really explain it. Within a few month, I started feeling good about myself again, my attendance and grades in uni picked up. Other people started coming swimming and stuff too, it reinforced old friendships that slipped during the time I was feeling down. I didn't like the place my life was at, but instead of despairing I started doing stuff about it. I can look back at that period of my life and I can see why I was in that state, and I know how to not get there again, and what to do in the case that I start going in that direction.

As an aside, I was also probably the fittest and the slimmest I was in years after a few months of this, and I started getting quite a bit of attention from girls. It was about this time that I actually gained some confidence with girls, and I can't say I've had huge problems in that area since.

I also spoke to someone very close to me, who is manic depressive. They had a breakdown, and during the breakdown they suffered some small amount of brain damage from a reckless bike accident. They too said the same to me, the focus point for sorting themselves out at that time was swimming. Hard swimming and exercise for a couple of hours a day, about 4 or 5 times a week.

[s|k]

Originally Posted by sniborp

All I can say after the first paragraph:

Are you s|k's friend?

deffeh

[Dante Hicks]

Originally Posted by horn

Notice how your friends as you later go on to say don't even seem to remember.... it's not because you have shit friends, it's because you have normal firends. No-one really cares, and depression will only highlight this fact for you.

I agree with the above. Why would anyone care?

As Zhukov said, you seem to be rather self-centred (which is probably a side-effect / related to the depression). Your post seems to imply you expect too much of people (people not remembering, people not contacting you enough, etc). People have their own shit to be dealing with.

I also have no idea what you mean by "I want to leave, I want to walk away and leave everything and everyone, but I don’t have anywhere to go". No-one in your life actually seems that bad from what you've said - you seem to be the problem, not your circumstances. Why would leaving help?

I'd agree with the previous points raised about exercise, although clearly that's not going to solve everything.

[SilverSmoke]

After the first two alineas I couldn't get myself to read through, I could only think 'Oh internet'.




It's monday, I have that with everything I read on a monday morning, will give it another try at a more suitable time.

[SepH]

I really thought this thread was parodying S|k's thread, I haven't read everything you typed there, but I agree with Zhukov, go see that shrink and go get some proffesional help. It's not unlikely he can help you alot more than a forum of internet addicts.

[pablissimo]

Originally Posted by SilverSmoke

After the first two alineas I couldn't get myself to read through, I could only think 'Oh internet'.




It's monday, I have that with everything I read on a monday morning, will give it another try at a more suitable time.

Thanks for the update!

[SilverSmoke]

Originally Posted by pablissimo

Thanks for the update!

Oh shit did I just ventilate my toughts on GD? Dude, sue me!

[eJohn]

Im not truly expecting help from an internet forum, dont get me wrong, nor is this a cry for help in any shape or form. What do you think i expect, lots of " <3 <3 <3"'s ?

Do i have any reason to humiliate myself on such a grand scale? Ask yourself that.

A few points;

Being single doesnt bother me at all just now. I have a very low sex drive, and if i wanted to change that aspect of my life, i would put effort into doing so. Like you said very rightly, i am in absolutely no fit shape to have a girlfriend just now, im entirely emotionally crippled and frankly wouldnt make any good conversation or companionship, im fully aware of it.

The exercise thing is very true. I do have a workout regime, and i play football for 2 hours every friday and do a lot of walking. I am, believe it or not, fairly fit. I'm 5'11 and 11 3/4 stone, so its not as if its weight, tiredness, bad health that are getting me down. (actually, when B came back, i picked her up and spun her around the room for a while, newlywed style).

And yeah, of course im self centered. This is my depression, and my problem. As youve said, no one else is going to bother to care, so why shouldnt i? But even still, i dont feel ive been fairly treated. I sit, and i listen to people for hours. I do things for people that i WISH theyd do for me - just little things to make their lives that nicer, like clean up after them, make them dinner, go out of my way to get them stuff, ask them how they are feeling (!). Part of the reason i'm so disconcerted with A is because she _knows_ how bad i am, she's sufferred at least 5 of the above rants. But i take care of her - i've taken hour long train journeys to see her, i've taken her out for food - **** sake, i took her to the emergency room when she cut herself too deep and stayed with her for the night. I always ask her how she is. Now if she didnt give a shit about me, thats fine, but i dont like very much her being so distant, and expecting me to be her rock when she comes back home.

I have a very active social life, when i want it. Two problems though.
(1) I'm pretty much the 'leader' so everything is organised through me and expected of me
(2) The only thing we ever do is drink, and i just feel worse after drink. And it doesnt help me get fitter.

As to leaving, i mean that i feel smothered by people who expect things of me and think they know me, when in reality, they're all superficial, self-absorbed (irony?), and if i left, i would have nice memories to take, but i wouldnt miss them as people i dont think.

The strangest thing is this morning, i'm a totally different person. Last night doesnt ring true (the feelings, not the issues). I know i need serious help, but at the moment its just getting through nights on a day by day basis.

[KoeN]

Originally Posted by SilverSmoke

After the first two alineas I couldn't get myself to read through, I could only think 'Oh internet'.


It's monday, I have that with everything I read on a monday morning, will give it another try at a more suitable time.

coffee is the keyword.

also, did you see superbowl last night? atm i'm so tired it gives me a headache.

[Kurashima]

Something you maybe failed to take into account when reading this forum EJ is that, despite the fact a lot of people here rip the piss out of anything that moves for their own amusement, the fact is your situation , and symptoms, mirror a lot of the problems that users here have had.

This isnt a self help group, but theres enough people here that know what youre going through and can provide advice, albeit unofficial and probably not medically sound, to let you know youre not alone in dealing with your problems.

PS : The thing with A is a very very bad place for you to be in your current state. Being around someone with equal amounts of depression/suicidal tendencies places you in a position where both of you are crutches for the others emotional instability, and it makes both parties worse when one has a bad day.

Let that one go, and let it go quickly. Take it from someone with experience of the subject matter.

[Radical Edward]

The only replies I can give are nasty ones, so I will hold back. I hope things get better for you.

[Dante Hicks]

Originally Posted by eJohn

As youve said, no one else is going to bother to care, so why shouldnt i?

Because it doesn't seem to be helping.

But even still, i dont feel ive been fairly treated. I sit, and i listen to people for hours. I do things for people that i WISH theyd do for me - just little things to make their lives that nicer, like clean up after them, make them dinner, go out of my way to get them stuff, ask them how they are feeling (!).

Yeah, you seem to suffering from an expectation gap. If you dwell on the things you're disappointed with you'll generally find yourself getting more depressed. Your expectations of other people seem unreasonably high too, I rarely expect things from people despite how much/little I've done for them. Of course, if you do hang around with self-centred people then you should probably try and avoid that. Why on earth do you clean up for other people, for instance?

[madi]

you need to change your life, the current pattern simply isnt working for you.
dont expect anyone around you to change or meet your needs (why the hell should they)
you need to make the difference yourself and it will most likely feel like it is getting worse before it gets better.
(i pretty much didnt leave my flat for 6 months, drank vodka for breakfast to face the day and had to force myself to get a job and move house and start again before i started to feel sort of normal)
and dont expect instant results or no slip ups

oh, and exercise really helps, ashtanga yoga, climbing a bit of running help to keep me from being too twitchy.

[eJohn]

Originally Posted by Dante Hicks

Because it doesn't seem to be helping.

Yeah, you seem to suffering from an expectation gap. If you dwell on the things you're disappointed with you'll generally find yourself getting more depressed. Your expectations of other people seem unreasonably high too, I rarely expect things from people despite how much/little I've done for them. Of course, if you do hang around with self-centred people then you should probably try and avoid that. Why on earth do you clean up for other people, for instance?

As much as i appreciate discource and dialogue on this matter, i think you are far too rooted in logic and rationale than reality.

If you're suggesting i stop caring about myself, where would that leave me? Dead, pretty much. I fully accept the all people are selfish / this includes you argument, but i dont think anything i expect of anyone is unreasonable. Courtesy, privacy, respect arent too high things to ask. Perhaps i'm being greedy not wishing to be chastised by my CD mother for irrelevant crap? I dont want anything, i want _nothing_ from these people.

If i acted towards people the way they did to me, i can't think that anyone would know me. I do get what your saying in that its illogical of me to expect some people to have a sixth sense about when im feeling like shit, but for example :
Im not sure i should be expected or happy about B going on about her month long trip to India and how shes about to buy a laptop, when ive spent the last 2 months alternating between an empty flat, and a hell hole.
Considering i havent left the country since 2000, i dont know if i can be bothered with anyone ever talking about their holidays or how worldly they are.
etc etc.

You dont need other examples, you get the theme. Any time someone is frivolous or decadent around me, i cannot HELP but take it personally, even if i can apply enough doublethink to say "they dont mean it". I dont have the oppurtunity to go anywhere or do anything, or the mental state to have a good time like they do.

Id have to say one of my biggest regrets is that i ever need people at all, and that i cant just be by myself. Take tonight for instance. I'm sitting about, my head is pounding, i feel like death, but i pretty much have to go out in the next 5 minutes (and phone my mother and let her chat about crap to me - sons obligation, i suppose) to buy around £40's worth of alcohol for a punch, which i will never recoup the full amount of cash for. People will be round, i'll make sure they are all happy, i'll get drunk and be happy (thankfully im not a sad drunk), B will be drunk and come to my room late at night and fool me that we're going to get somewhere for a few hours, i'll wake up in the morning, clean the place single handedly, and then feel guilty for having a good time, lock myself in my room, and wish that id done the same last night (tonight).

[s|k]

You know through my friend I have learned that there's pretty much no kind of advice I can give that will be helpful when it comes to his illness or his behavior. I don't know if that's true of everyone, or just because I'm brash or a combination of it, but I have learned that there's nothing I can really say to help people with OCD or depression.

[Dante Hicks]

Originally Posted by eJohn

As much as i appreciate discource and dialogue on this matter, i think you are far too rooted in logic and rationale than reality.

Perhaps, but I think, as T&F notes you are blaming other people for things you have chosen to do. No-one is forcing you to clean-up / talk to your mother / buy alcohol / whatever. You are presumably doing these things because you don't want to be seen as a bad guy, or out of some obligation. Don't bother, especially if people don't give you anything back.

I don't speak to my family, and I don't even tidy after myself let alone other people. Life is much easier when you're a jerk.

[Ste]

I want to give you a hug but you'd probably knife me

I'd do drugs...honestly.

go out to a half decent club and do some pills...everybody feels like shit after that so your just re-joining the human race.

I really think drugs could solve your problem or maybe even push you over the edge..either way its a result for GD.

[Kurashima]

Originally Posted by Ivana_Trump

I'd do drugs...honestly.

go out to a half decent club and do some pills...everybody feels like shit after that so your just re-joining the human race.

I really think drugs could solve your problem or maybe even push you over the edge..either way its a result for GD.

And the Quarterback is TOAST (banned)

This gimmick is very shit.

[Cannon_Fodder]

whose was it?

Ejohn's second personality maybe?

[eJohn]

I have at least 3 personalities thanks.

Dante / Toccate : I still think you're using too much reasoning and logic. Not calling home means greater future stress. Plus its the right thing to do, to keep them happy and ignorant. Simply "not caring" - is not simple.

Out of interest, if your assumptions about human nature are correct, and people are selfish etc (and you're probably right)

What keeps you liberal / socialist / communist / anarchist / left? I find myself left leaning, but without a desire to redress balances or improve social justice im not sure what would stop me letting everyone rot freely. I know instantly you're going to say "presuming humans are shit and being left arent incompatible", but if youd elaborate id be much obliged.

And for everyones interest, i was feeling down so i left my own party and went to my room, excuses of stomach ache etc. I had a horrible night listening to the giggles and such forth, and all the shit "ohmyword im so drunk etc" banter. My door was chapped a few times, but thats to be expected so i let it be. Until it started being STOMPED, and CRASHED to the point where the hinges were coming loose, so i opened the door and let fly a verbal barrage of shit and told a couple of people to get the **** out of my house. In a rage, i locked my door, picked up a book (The concise history of europe 1789-1914, its shit, dont get it) and threw it through my window, which was incredibly stupid and not intended. I've since not seen anyone, ignored texts from 4 different people, locked myself in my room and given **** off vibes to everyone from shop attendants to ameobas.

Oh and i just did 40 pushups then passed out on the floor. I want to get fit and strong to the point where i walk down a road and people move or they die. Can anyone sense im aggressive today?

[eJohn]

Im not sure what poor behaviour your talking about. Apart from the window of course, because thats going to cost me a ****ing fortune and im sitting here ****ing freezing.

I know im self involved and self obsessed, and i hold my hands up to both, but i wont apologise for either. Nobody knows me better than me. Nor do i think i expect too much of people, especially those who claim to be my friends. When you ask "how are you" to someone, its just common curteousy to say "i'm <x>, how are you?" back. Only in my darkest moments do i truly expect people to understand that it feels like to have your head crushed from 4 sides, and feel like your going to throw up your heart or your lungs.

I have serious problems, i know, some are short term, some are long term, some are easily fixed and ive bogged myself down in them / im making a meal of them, some of them you cant say that about. The next two major events in my life are my grandpa dying (cash, and more freedom), and my mum dying (relief, freedom etc). However, as ive said, im zombified a lot of the time, and its only when im spiralling i actually care about these things (or indeed anything).

What im not sure you're grasping is that CD/MD or whatever i am isnt based around issues and problems - i will always, always find a way to feel down regardless of my situation, i can tell you that openly and honestly now (as obviously, at this moment, i'm perfectly fine). If it were as simple as mind over matter, or if i had the strength of mind rather, depression would not be an issue (Actually, i view the "get over it" depression argument as weak as the "in capitalism everyone has the chance to become president and rich and famous!" argument.)

Another thing is, i do make solutions and resolutions. Today i vowed never to talk to anyone ever again. Now its nighttime, and although i dont want to see anyone, the hatred has calmed down to mild resentment, guilt (im sure therell have been gossip, not that im too bothered) and embarrassment. As youve rightly said, why would anyone care - so why should i let anyone know what the truth is, bare another part of myself to an onslaught of crap? Its pretty much best this side of me is kept to myself, even if i do end up shooting myself one of these days, or od'ing on the ridiculously handy combination i have of sleeping pills, antidepressant, and mdma's (which i have not taken in 6 months fyi).

Incidentally then, about why you find yourself on "the left" (dont want to label you a socialist or whatever incorrectly and get bogged down in mrlesque semantics).. if you were extremely rich, and had huge shares in all the major listed companies, would you still be a lefty?

(and to clarify even further, im not talking about if you were born rich, i mean if tommorrow you woke up and found yourself in that position)

[Dante Hicks]

Originally Posted by eJohn

Incidentally then, about why you find yourself on "the left" (dont want to label you a socialist or whatever incorrectly and get bogged down in mrlesque semantics).. if you were extremely rich, and had huge shares in all the major listed companies, would you still be a lefty?)

Answering for myself, I would say yes - of course. I am already probably in the richest 10% of the world's population, I doubt being elevated to the richest 1% or 0.1% would make much difference.

[s|k]

I'm poor as dirt. Send money now.

[Chunderbunny]

Originally Posted by s|k

I'm poor as dirt. Send money now.

Only if you shine my shoes