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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:28   #1
Kurashima
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This'd be one of them thar ree-lay-shun-ship threads.

Problem

I am seeing someone who im getting on reasonably well with. Its a bit of a distance , but i go over at the weekends to see her, and her to see me.

We met through a forum not unlike this, and things had been going well until the last week. Ive noted a quite large amount of jealousy going down in our conversations. Sometimes subtle , sometimes straight out. When challenged on it, shes said sorry , she just misses me , etc etc.

Then this week , i start getting mails from some random woman ive never spoken to or heard of. After a couple of mails and responses (which couldnt have been more non committal "Thanks , nice talking to you") on my part , she suggests meeting me in a fortnight in Liverpool for a night out. She also demands to know if im single , cos shes "Been hurt in the past, and doesnt want to be led on" ..... which pretty much amazes me , since ive given her no encouragment and not led her on. I respond because its good manners , nothing more.

I smell a rat. Im a naturally suspicious person. My job involves investigating frauds.

The user profiles throw up the following similarities

Same Age
Same Height
Same Star Sign
Same Weight
Same Build
Same Geographical location to within 1 mile
Same Salary
Same Eye Colour
Same Hair Colour

The 2nd individuals username is consistent with details found in the 1st persons profile. The syntax of her emails is consistent , if not utterly identical , to the syntax of the 1st persons email. The details of the 2nd persons profile also contain small things which i have discussed at length with the 1st person over the phone.

I have to decide on this. I do not wish to consider a relationship with a person with an overwhelmingly strong green eyed monster. So my question to you would be

Am i being too suspicious
Am i right to be suspicious
Should i ignore the whole thing and pretend i was never suspicious.
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Last edited by Kurashima; 20 May 2003 at 02:39.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:33   #2
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One obvious (but not great) way out presents itself.

However this depends on wether you'd be interested if it turned out they both were the same person.


Basically what you do is to persue this other person further. If person no.1 then says why are you doing this, then you can ask why are you trying to trick me into this?

If it appears they are not the same then you can forget about person no.2
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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:37   #3
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They sound too similar to be true really, weight, salary and geographical location aren't often shared with others, but to have all three shared is a MASSIVE coincidence (or not, as they case may be). So I'd say you were right to be suspicious.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:38   #4
Kurashima
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Quote:
Originally posted by poshphil
One obvious (but not great) way out presents itself.

However this depends on wether you'd be interested if it turned out they both were the same person.


Basically what you do is to persue this other person further. If person no.1 then says why are you doing this, then you can ask why are you trying to trick me into this?

If it appears they are not the same then you can forget about person no.2

Im more the kind of person who will ask Person 1 straight out. I value honesty above most other things. Im absoloutely straight with her on everything. If she turns around and says "Yes , it was me , im sorry" , i know i can still trust her.

If she denies it, and i end up proving its her , im gone , no arguments , no debates , not even a dear john. A simple "Thanks for your time" , a 2 or 3 line email explanation , and my life continues without complication.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:45   #5
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phone her.
confront her

see what she says
tone of voice will help
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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:47   #6
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Is it possible that through the nature of your meeting (through a forum) which isn't the best medium for it (nothing wrong with it, but it takes a lot more work, than say being in the same class as the person etc), there are a few insecurities?

I.e I met my (ex)girlfriend in a club and within an hour of ever meeting her I'm at her place playing hide the sausage. Great me thinks! But then I got all jealous and possessive not because she gave any reason for me to be, but because if she was that willing on the night I met her, how do I know she's not at it everytime she goes out without me?

Anyhow, long story short, stalked her into a club once when she was going out with her friends, did the whole scary watching from a distance thing and walked away dissapointed (!) that nothing happened.

Is it not possible she's doing something similar? I.e pretend to be other women on the internet and see if you take the bait? Can't blame her really. And it probably doesn't point to her being a overly-jealous women, or someone that this would be an issue with over time, but just one issue?


Well I think the moral of this story is not to forget to have break up 'hide the sausage' before you send her the 3 lined email.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:52   #7
Kurashima
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Quote:
Originally posted by JammyJim
phone her.
confront her

see what she says
tone of voice will help
I have now done this. The tone of voice concerned me, as did some of the information she volunteered about this other person, which i hadnt prompted her with.

The three line email is written, and im trying now in my head to justify not sending it.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:56   #8
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i'm guessing that if it is her.. and you confront her about it, she'll most likely deny it.. and the is mysterious #2 will 'dissapear'

i'm guessing all she wants to hear is that you tell people you're taken. although it's prolly different cause you've actually met her in rl and stuff... it's kinda hard to believe lines on the internet. i could be married and have 3 kids.. but i can tell you that i'm single etc etc.


think of it this way.. it's flattering to think she cares that much about you to make sure that you're for 'real' :P
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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:56   #9
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I ask you this question: "What the hell are you doing, dating someone who apparently isn't 'all that bright'?"

I mean, FOR GOD'S SAKE, how HARD can it POSSIBLY be to change some details?
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Unread 20 May 2003, 02:59   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by Aryn
i'm guessing that if it is her.. and you confront her about it, she'll most likely deny it.. and the is mysterious #2 will 'dissapear'

i'm guessing all she wants to hear is that you tell people you're taken. although it's prolly different cause you've actually met her in rl and stuff... it's kinda hard to believe lines on the internet. i could be married and have 3 kids.. but i can tell you that i'm single etc etc.


think of it this way.. it's flattering to think she cares that much about you to make sure that you're for 'real' :P

Its not flattering. Its a real concern. I have a lot of female friends , online and in real life, and i am very close to them without having anything more than friendship between us.

I am not prepared to allow a degree of jealousy like that into my life, especially as it is indicative of a lack of trust, which is the foundation of any relationship.

Im guessing by not trusting her explanation, ive already convinced myself the trust is gone, so i should just send the email.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 03:00   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sandsnake
I ask you this question: "What the hell are you doing, dating someone who apparently isn't 'all that bright'?"

I mean, FOR GOD'S SAKE, how HARD can it POSSIBLY be to change some details?

Her argument on the phone was "If i WAS going to do something like that, id make the details all different and make it from someone who was nothing like me"

*sigh*
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Unread 20 May 2003, 03:02   #12
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kura
who knows
why not meet her first
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Unread 20 May 2003, 03:03   #13
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well, it COULD be horrible coincidence...just drop on her that you would be horribly disappointed if you found out she tried something like that, terminably so. Chances are, she'll drop it.

Women go through psycho phases...trick is sticking out that initial jealousy phase until you know how bad it is. I've had to put my foot down a few times with various ones, and they USUALLY get over it fairly quickly when you don't play along.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 03:05   #14
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if you can't trust her then forget it :\
though i just ment that if you met her online.. you can't blame her for wondering if you'd still 'meet' other people online :\

this is why i don't like online relationships (though i admit i've gone from hating them to 'not likeing' them :\)
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Unread 20 May 2003, 03:05   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by JammyJim
kura
who knows
why not meet her first
Meet who? Person 2

Note : If person 2 is indeed person 1 , she shows up , says im cheating , and ends the relationship

If person 1 is not person 2 , i end up meeting her behind the back of person 1. Sorry man , i just dont do that.

I have met Person 1 twice now. I do not think there will be a third time.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 03:12   #16
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dunno what else to suggest :\
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Unread 20 May 2003, 03:29   #17
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there are plenty more women


stop faffing over this one.
move on and tell her that you dont trust her.


IF
it was a 'cunning ruse' to screw around with you to find out if your honest she will phone and ball her eyes out.

however if it isnt your safe in the knowledge you couldnt trust her anyway and your 'sorted'
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Unread 20 May 2003, 03:31   #18
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Unread 20 May 2003, 08:03   #19
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arrange to meet person 2.

never show up but instead check her out using binoculars on a nearby grassy knoll.

this way you'll

1) not have met this 2nd person (if he/she turns out to not to be person 1)

2) not need to be part of an embarassing scene (if it is person 1)


3) ...

4) profit



[edit: i swear i can't type to save my life]
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Unread 20 May 2003, 08:28   #20
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Kura, you already seem to have made your mind up about not carrying things on with person 1 anyway, and to be honest, I cannot come up with any justification from what you have said about her, for carrying on (starting?) a relationship with her. Even trying a relationship with that sort of jealousy, paranoia and stress right from the start seems to be utterly futile to me. There are lots of ways you could have fun with this situation, and really upset her for being so paranoid in the first place, but personally I wouldn't bother with her at all. you know the situation better than anyone here, but from the details you have given, I say forget it.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 09:50   #21
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Ditch the bitch. She will end up cutting your balls off.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 10:27   #22
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take person 1 and the bag of wheat over the river leaving person 2 alone, leave person 1 on the other side and take the bag of wheat back with you, pick up person 2 and take them and the wheat across the river.

sorted

oh, it wasn't one of those type of questions?

seriously, why do you consider meeting person 2 to be going behind the back of person 1? it's not like you're planning to jump into bed with her is it? just meet her for a friendly drink, etc

even tell person 1 what you're doing
say how you're meeting them as a friend and that's all and no reason to be jealous, etc. make sure you make it clear to person 2 you're just meeting them as a friend too. (you can always change your mind later if friends sn't what you want after meeting her)



oh, and odds on this being dace or pavil or someone messing with you?
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Unread 20 May 2003, 10:30   #23
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kurashima


Note : If person 2 is indeed person 1 , she shows up , says im cheating , and ends the relationship

If person 1 is not person 2 , i end up meeting her behind the back of person 1. Sorry man , i just dont do that.


If person 2 = person 1 and she accuses you of cheating, so what? At that point you're better off without her, because she's the lunatic sending you emails pretending she's someone else so she can figure out if you're going to be faithful

If person 2 != person 1 then you meet her, explain to her that you're in a relationship and that you are meeting her on a purely platonic basis. If she then accuses you of leading her on tell her to stop being such a whining bitch (you haven't actually given her any indication that you're interested in that way), and then forget about her.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 10:36   #24
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Unread 20 May 2003, 10:59   #25
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Take person one with you to meet person two. And then get in some two on one action!
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Unread 20 May 2003, 11:07   #26
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Take person one with you to meet person two. And then get in some two on one action!
that is a rather cunning ruse. arrange to meet them both at the same time, and tell them.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 11:10   #27
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Quote:
Originally posted by Radical Edward
that is a rather cunning ruse. arrange to meet them both at the same time, and tell them.
I thought the shagging part was the most cunning part.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 11:11   #28
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Or just get someone else to meet person 2 (do they know what you look like)?
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Unread 20 May 2003, 11:17   #29
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jealous ppl suck

just move on, it won't rain all the time
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Unread 20 May 2003, 11:19   #30
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kurashima
Meet who? Person 2

Note : If person 2 is indeed person 1 , she shows up , says im cheating , and ends the relationship

If person 1 is not person 2 , i end up meeting her behind the back of person 1. Sorry man , i just dont do that.

I have met Person 1 twice now. I do not think there will be a third time.
oh and excuse me, but how is meeting somebody for a drink or so, cheating?
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Unread 20 May 2003, 12:13   #31
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Quote:
Originally posted by sigrid
oh and excuse me, but how is meeting somebody for a drink or so, cheating?
if a man even thinks about another women while already in a relationship, its cheating dude.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 12:34   #32
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I hate to say it mate, but it sounds like you've pulled a physco. Meeting over the internet probably wasnt the best idea, but it seems she far too insecure, and displays such a basic and complete lack of trust that would make the relationship impossible.

Having been in a similar situation before, ie, some random net bird telling me that she is in love with me, after I went for a drink with her once, and then wanting to spend every second of every day with me, I think the best thing you could really do, would be to 'part ways'

Getting into any kind of commitment with a bird like that, would only end up being a royal pain in the ass.
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Unread 20 May 2003, 12:48   #33
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Re: This'd be one of them thar ree-lay-shun-ship threads.

Quote:
Originally posted by Kurashima
Am i being too suspicious
Am i right to be suspicious
Should i ignore the whole thing and pretend i was never suspicious.

I don't think you are being too suspicious. And if you are right (and most likely you are) the question to me would be: If this is her way of checking you, how will your future relationship be unless you reolve her issues in one way or another? She obviously has big problems with trust, and I would guess this can be one of two reasons:

1. She has been (as her alter ego said) hurt before.
2. She believes that you couldn't possibly be faithful because she herself is unable to.

I can't see that she would admit to doing this even if you confronted her with it, so if you really care for her I guess I would talk about it without bringing in that spesific thing. I also would tell her straight out that there is no way you can ever prove to her that you are faithful, but that in a serious relationship you have to either let go and trust the person, or you will go slowly mad. Then all you can do is try to make her feel safe and see if that helps. But you need to ask yourself if it is worth it, and I guess only you know the answer to that.. If it was me, after meeting only two times, I guess I would get out while it was still time


I kinda liked Elfhelms idea though
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Unread 20 May 2003, 12:51   #34
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Just log off man.
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