[Kurashima]

GK : Edwin Van Der Sar - How can you say hes the new Schmeichel. Hes the new ****ing Massimo Taibi. Useless prick

DR : Gary Neville. Ive never understood a word he says so now he resorts to making gestures to communicate. Hes 1 step genetically from being an ape, and that step is his brother.

DC : Rio Ferdinand. £100k a week and you cant piss in a bottle. Get the **** out of dodge. Youre a druggie and you know it.

DC : John Terry. My team won the premiership, We couldnt win **** all else. For this theyre going to double my wages, so i can blow it all down the bookies. Buy a ****ing sportscar, in fact buy 10, just stop going on benders down the dogs.

DL : Alessandro Pistone. Never in my life have I seen a worse left back, on more money, and with less bottle, outside of a sunday league match. All the pace of stephen hawking, an uncanny resemblance, and milk turns quicker.

MR : Shaun Wright Philips. Midgets with attitude belong in a wrestling ring. Get some platform shoes and tell your dad to stop shouting about you being the next Geoff Hurst. Youre more like Damian.

MC : Pedro Mendes. Dont get cocky because you can shoot from 25 yards mate. You still couldnt tackle a fish supper, and you still cant trap a bag of spuds.

MC : Simon Davies. A footballer? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

ML : Ray Parlour. How useless do you have to be to be unable to get a game ahead of the worlds most negative midfielder (Boateng) , the worlds slowest midfielder (Doriva) and the worlds most frequently injured midfielder (Mendieta).. Youd have to be ... erm , Ray Parlour.

FC : Djibril Cisse. The worst finisher I have ever seen in my life. For all your pace mate, you couldnt score in a brothel with a £50 note strapped to your cock. And youre a wifebeater, a trait I utterly despise in men.

That said, I heard your wife changed her name by deed poll to Annette, so it would be the first one youd hit all season.

FC : Mark Viduka. Puddin faced, greeting arsed, scumbag mercenary. His landing from an overhead kick measures 6.2 on the richter scale. And he captains Australia into the World Cup this summer, so **** me, it can only get worse. Im not saying he has an ego, but even if he travels naked he has to pay excess baggage. Twunt!