[Cooling]

If you wish to write well using a first person narrative in this genre, then I suggest you try reading the Assassin series by Robin Hobb. It is Fantasy, not Science Fiction, but I think she is one of the most engaging and skilled authors writing in that particular genre using the first person.


You need to work an awful lot on your style. It dosn't flow very well at all and this leads to the dialogue/monologue seeming rather hackneyed and clunky.

Going beyond the style, the story itself is not particularly interesting or engaging. It reads rather like a list of things you did in the weekend.

For example:
"I went to the shop, then I bought a packet of crisps, then I left and thought I would eat the crisps. I ate the crisps then I went to the arcade and played space invaders. Then I went to the bank in my rocket ship which everyone drives nowadays. When I got inside I decided to look in on my Equity Derivative portfolio, to see whether my Convertable Bonds had reached their maturity date. Then I traded some of those for a crate of rare Martian Monkeys to put in my Zoo."


Instead of writing out a shopping list; why not try working on fleshing out your characters feelings and emotions? I know that young authors are not particularly adept at this sort of thing; but a purely descriptive narrative is utterly boring and uninteresting.

Teenagers however, seem to think it is great, and that is generally why fiction written for young 'adults' is such complete crap. Any two bit hack can churn out these novels with alarming frequency, and children will still keep buying it. Just look at Terry Goodkind for a shining example.