So im getting older, i turn 21 on burns day.
I am desperately unhappy and not sure how to change things, as realistically im about to enter my prime and things, at least physical health wise, are only going to get worse. To review;
Every year i seem to get more and more disassociative. Severing ties, losing contact with people, remaining aloof, periodically falling out with people after convincing myself they are out to get me. Its bizarre, i do this internal witch hunt thing, in which i plan ahead long series of argument and detail anecdotal evidence which to use against a person.
For my birthday im going to do the typical 'drink all day' thing, but probably just in the flat, because i dont want to trouble people to come out. The thing is as well, for all the people i 'know', the amount of people i even 'go for a drink with' is desperately small. I suspect my birthday will be me and 4 friends in the flat, and it'll be a mediocre occasion. The thing is, to try anything bigger would just be embarrassing. Im toying with whether to even bother asking my Glasgow friends to come up to Stirling, i dont want to obligate them, and i also dont want confirmation from a lot of them that i would go to their birthdays, but they wouldnt go to mine. Even more than that, i dont want anyone to spend money getting here / on me, for what, like i said, will be an incredibly mediocre affair, probably involving me playing music on my laptop and showing videos on youtube to my guests. I dont even know if i'll invite Dace up and when you're not sure if you want to risk inconveniencing Dace or not shit isnt good.
This isnt to say ' i have no friends
' - i know plenty of people, i just find myself caring so little about what any of them think, say, do, etc etc that im under no illusion that i should expect them to do the same for me. When im 'on top of things', im reasonably good in social settings. But i dont care enough about keeping people happy, or keeping up appearances or anything like that.
Ive also realised that the people i do keep in regular contact with are mostly pretty simple, and the relationships i own are very one dimensional. I surround myself with persons of mediocre intellect so it makes my slightly above the national average brain feed my ridiculous ego. I am the best student out of any of my friends in glasgow or stirling, for example - the ones that didnt drop out that is.
Mentally, im in a pretty bad situation in that i dont really have much of a fallback for when things go poorly. Especially regarding my family - who considering my mother has Clinical Depression, and my Auntie has Manic Depression (she was actually just committed a few weeks ago and her kids taken off her) are pretty terrible at understanding my aforementioned disassociative posture. They dont know im on meds, or how bad ive felt most of my life, because its easier that way. Even if i did for some bizarre reason want to share it, to do so would be selfish, considering the financial and emotional worries they have not just of their own, but due to the combined problems of two nutter families (the aforementioned auntie isnt the only one in a home or an institution). People keep dying too on both sides, and theres more to come in the near future i would suspect. I'll attend the funerals, show face, but its rather hard to be continually criticised for not being more family orientated etc when i feel.. nothing, towards other human beings.
Part maybe of my issue with family is its a tie you cant fully sever, and i hate being obligated to people. I really dont feel anything about any of them, except quite a lot of anger and resentment towards my mum.
I havent had sex in well over a year and a half, and have never actually did the whole 'chase' thing myself, relationships i just sort of fell into. I have no sex drive. Combined with my complete distaste for and disinterest in the human race, my misogyny is at such a level that i cant really forsee me ever having a relationship again, especially given the typical role played by the man in the courting process.
Regards meds; im always aware from both the internet, and my immediate family that there are supposedly a significant portion of people who 'have it worse', their numbers timescales and doses produce a better resume. Part of the thing with depression is in some sort of horrible way you guard it and are even 'attached' to it. You are also very much aware that considering the scope of the illness, you dont really stand out from the crowd by being 'depressed'. Im probably better on them than off them, but i get lulls, like the last few days, where it just seems impossible to go on. If you havent experienced it, theres nothing that can explain the nightmare of knowing yourself you arent angry with anyone or anything, or upset about anyone or anything, but being unable to rationalise it as a chemical imbalance. I'd like to think that even now i'm reasonable rational and coherent enough to suggest that im not depressed about anything in particular, i just feel like shit.
Recently ive been waking up in the night terrified someone is going to break in, have barricaded the door and what not, checked its locked on several occasions during the night. Today when walking to the bus stop i ducked when someone was walking towards me because i was so sure they were going to take a swing at me, the person looked at me like i was crazy. I went to the gym to try and get the adrenaline flowing, managed a 45 minute or so workout but quit due to apathy rather than tiredness. I did push myself pretty hard and lasted longer than i have before in similar mental states, but after a while parts of my body just wouldnt respond.
So,
Im getting older and i need to make some better choices in my life. I eat well, ive gotten help in the form of medication psychiatry and psychology, i exercise 5 or 6 times a week, i take vitamin tablets and olive oil capsules, eat my 5 a day, cut out the fizzy drinks again. Its just pretty devestating that i dont seem to be reaping much reward from any of the positive action ive taken.