[Deffeh]

Hello.

We havent had an ‘everything is hopeless’ thread for a while so I thought I’d brighten everyones day.


I’m facing some decisions now; one big one in particular. Usual story, I don’t expect miracle solutions, im just trying to bounce some ideas off; this is for my own benefit really.


A week before I came back from Stirling to live at home in Glasgow (middle of June), my parents separated. Its not a tears before bedtime issue, and it certainly wasn’t out of the blue - they’ve slept in separate bedrooms for a large part of my life, they weren’t talking for a good 2 weeks before that, 3 months prior my dad had been away for over a month on a French language course and they both seemed to be better for the space (although that was never a raised issue in why he went.) I’m 21 now, not a child, so my basic opinion was its their relationship and their decision and fallout, which seemed the logical way of acting. Obviously it doesn’t quite work out like that and it’s a bit harder than it seems.

As anyone bored enough to read my threads might remember my mum suffers from very severe Clinical depression and for most of my life has been bedridden, so this has pretty much hit her harder than it would the average person. To sort of compound matters my brother (18) just moved out a week after my dad left to get a flat in the center of town - unrelated to the breakup but mainly because living with my mum is hard work due to her ups and downs and erratic nature, so she’s been struggling with that as well.

I could go into years of pointless details but they wouldn’t be of any interest; the summary is

My brothers living conditions and quality of life are a complete disaster because he commutes 3 hours a day to work on a phone all day and cant cook - hes home 3 nights a week or something which usually leads to my mum having to get up at silly o clock to take him to work when he stays over - hes wreckless, seriously wreckless - he hasn’t been moved out for 2 months and he’s already trying to get away without paying council tax, and hes going to procure a fake tax disk for when he passes his driving test - add in his terrible hilarious 18 year old dailly mail rule Britannia views, the fact hes just started taking pills (and isn’t someone that can be trusted with them) and is generally terrible with money (brand victim, and he follows Dundee utd home and away every weekend), hes turning into an utter disaster of a worry for both my mum and me.

My mums two sisters; one of them has just been diagnosed with MS, divorced about a year ago, and married again already to an American bloke who doesn’t seem to have any source of income or employment (and is wittering away money from his previous marriage). They phone my mum every day about 5 times and talk for hours about nothing - my mum just needs them to leave her alone - but its difficult to tell your sister who is going to be wheelchair bound that you want her to shut up. I was going to have a word with them when they were over (all they seem to do is holiday) but I didn’t get an opportunity/decided against it/bottled it. The other sister is certifiably insane: she was sectioned a few months ago and her kids got taken off her. One of them is now touring the world with a dance act but has no money and no real nous about anything really which is worrying and the other one is about 14, keeps running away from her care homes with boys and was recently caught by the police with Cocaine. My auntie got out of hospital a few weeks ago, only to be readmitted within 2 days for drug use. Settling everything with this side of the family is an amazing hassle, as well as a worry, as you can imagine.

Our house is falling to pieces - this might sound stupid, but it really is. We’ve had workmen in basically since april, replastering, taking down ceilings, doing the guttering, painting, recarpeting, sanding, doing the drive, the garden, electrical work - you name it, its broken - mainly down to my dad’s inactivity in maintaining the house or staying on top of anything. We are leaking money - which we don’t have as there is no earner in the family - at an exceptional rate. Must have spent an easy 20k since april and the house looks almost exactly the same, if not worse due to the carnage everything has caused. The workmen are always coming, going, doing bad jobs, requiring supervision or assistance, and its exhausting to have your house full so often - on the days theres no workmen here my mum is so tired she doesn’t want to do any of the personal-labour tasks like rehanging paintings or whatever, so the whole house is a bombsite really, horrible to live in. Another problem is that my Uncle (dads side) divorced at the turn of the year and is in a temporary flat - we are storing all of his stuff just now in a front room - which again, needs to be done up - he isn’t moving out till the end of the month so we’ve had no space when we’ve had to empty all the other rooms to paint or redecorate them (we had to put couches outside one night and pray against rain) - he hasn’t been in touch at all, presumably because hes pissed at my mum, yet its still ok for us to lose the biggest room in our house so he can store his stuff.

My great uncle evan died a few months ago, and his wife is pretty much not compus mentus in an old folks home. He didn’t have a will, and his wife barely knows he is dead, to be honest, as shes on deaths door herself. Only living close relatives are a 90 year old sister, and my grandpa - who as well as his own health problems and his 3 crazy daughters to deal with, is frankly a bit of a useless ham fisted twat when it comes to dealing with anything - hes very aggressive and doesn’t listen. So again, its been down to my mum to try and get Yvonne to write a will, look after the house, visit her (she hates my grandpa) - the house has been a disaster as well - broken into once and 3 false alarms with the burglar alarm have meant that we’ve had to do 2 hour round trips at 2am, 7am, and one in the afternoon sometime and deal with the ire of the neighbours, the alarm company, the lawyers (who cancelled the phone so the alarm didn’t work), and my grandpa, who when confused, gets angry at whoevers nearest.

As well as her Clinical depression my mum has all the illnesses that come with it - chronic fatigue, to the point where she sleeps 10 hours (when allowed to do so) and has to take at least one nap a day. This is all worked around being phoned to talk about their latest holiday in Greece by her sister, dealing with tradesmen in the house, and all the other crap that’s too numerous to list efficiently and give you any real idea of what its been like. Because apart from going to the toilet she was bedridden for the last 3 years, her fitness is appalling - its getting better now, but in march time when I came back to see her she couldn’t walk 100m without having to stop for a rest for a minute or two.

It would be hyper-narcissism to suggest that all this falls on me - it does to an extent, I still have to deal with these issues - but primarily these are concerns my mum has to deal with. The problem is that my #1 concern is her - she doesn’t eat, she didn’t used to even shower for weeks on end, she doesn’t cook for herself or eat anything but biscuits and chocolate - only drinks tea, no water - she got fat before, and now she’s stick thin because she doesn’t/cant eat. I have to pretty much get her up in the morning on the days she just feels too hopeless to get out of bed or wants a rest because when she retreats into her room (which is by the way, a shithole - there are hampers on one half of the bed, papers all over another quarter of it and she sleeps on a tiny corner). I deal with things that I can, fobbing off relatives, going with her to wherever we need to be, cleaning, I do all the cooking, I pay and supervise the tradesmen when need be, and I just renovated my entire attic so we didn’t have to spend another £1200+ doing it. She is going through more than me, but at the same time, I don’t know where she’d be without me.

Which leads basically into the decision (before I ramble on for a bit afterwards as well). I’m supposed to be going to Wales to get a masters on September 20th. I’ve applied, been accepted, filled in registration forms, accomodation forms, and I’ve now got them back and all I need to do is send them bank details. But I’m stalling. At this moment in time in my life and my mums life I think it would be unfathomably cruel and selfish of me to leave and go to Wales for a year to get a masters degree - I barely even want it - I only applied because a/ I have the financial backing and b/ I don’t want to get a job. And theres always next year - with my 2.1 and strong references I’m basically able to get into any masters degree I’d ever want. Im not sure Aber would accept me again if I pulled out at this late stage (though I am allowed to do so) but so be it if so. The problem is; despite the fact I’d still be needed around the house/for my mum, I’d probably need/be expected to get a job - which I havent thought about, and frankly avoiding doing has been my raison d’etre. I don’t even know if I could do it to be honest (I was going to go on about how miserable I am but I’ll do that next thread because it would distort the focus of this one) and I’d definitely need to give back the cash I’ve been given off my grandpa.

The point is, should I go? I’ve made a pretty convincing ‘no’ argument, but one of the main problems is that my mum cant find I don’t want to go because of her, and she certainly cant find out about my own personal issues. I’m struggling with this, and I only have until August 13th or so to decide.