[Stew]

On the surface my life is good, except I'm not happy.

Education
I need 3 2:1s in my Summer exams to be guaranteed a first in economics, and even if I missed this slightly, I should still get one. I work hard, well not too hard but I like to think I'm efficient - I put the effort where its needed, coursework and revision, but I make sure I'm up to date on all the reading. This still leaves me enough time to have a social life - I've never once not gone out because I have work to do. However, this still does not make me happy.

Money, Materials & Employment
These last two weeks I've been working in a warehouse office for Laura Ashley. The pays not brilliant (£6.67 an hour + holiday) but I can seemingly work there most holidays. They rang me up in my 1st week and asked if I could spare any time over the next two weeks. I hope to be there in the Summer - it's easy and most of the people are a good laugh. Whilst I'm actually there, I'm reasonably happy, but it doesn't make me long term happy. However, I have a 'main' job line up starting in September, for Deloitte in Nottingham. This gives me great training and also not bad money, with very good prospects. I suppose this makes me slightly happier, it makes the future more 'secure' and I think it's something I will enjoy doing. They also give me a £7,000 interest free loan, of which some will go on a massive plasma screen - I have it all worked out, I will have a second tv, I alsready have decent surround sound, 2 consoles and recordable DVD player hooked up. Material goods don't make me happy, and I don't like to be seen as materialistic (although I clearly am), I just think having these things makes me happier than if I didn't have them. As for money, yeah I have a student loan, although some of it is in the bank and some went on my car. I have more of a loan than I probably should, seeing as my parents pay my fees, rent and also give me £60 a week, but meh.

Social Life
I'd like to think I have a fairly good social life. Most nights, be it when I'm at home or in Sheffield, I get offers to go for a drink or something similar. Whilst I don't accept every night, I'm not a social recluse. I went out last night for my birthday with 6 or 7 people, had texts of others asking if I'd be out and I'm out on Tuesday in Sheffield for my birthday and there should be about 20 people for that. I'm not saying this is a lot, or saying I'm very popular, I'm just using it to show that I'm not a loner. Having said that, I often wonder if people would actually miss me if I wasn't here. I typically conclude that maybe I would a bit for about a month, but after that I'd just be mentioned in conversations sometimes. This does not make me happy. I also spend a lot of spare time on here and other forums, doing nothing useful, just adding one liners. This makes me fairly happy when I'm doing it, I mean I wouldn't do it otherwise. The fact that I get happy from being on a forum makes me unhappy in the long run. What also worries me is that when I've been drinking recently I always contemplate what my suicide note would be like. Don't get me wrong I never would do it, I wouldn't want to hurt my Mum, but the fact I think of this worries me.

Romance
None. I have a really shit problem which I'm sure I've whinged about before that I can't trust. I was in a relationship for about two and a half years which ended about 15 months ago. I was convinced that it'd last forever and it came out of the blue to some extent. I still blame myself for this and I still miss her. Or maybe it's that I miss the way my life was - always knowing there was someone who really cared for me and wanted to be with me and I'd never get sick of her, no matter how long we spent together. I saw her last night for the first time in a long time, well the first time to talk to. Not that she said anything to me but a quick hello, she was with her new guy who I know is nowhere good enough for her, but he's a safe option, unlike me he won't get too drunk and be sick over the bed etc. I saw her out with him the first time a couple of weeks ago, she was with her mum and her mum's friends as well. It was like he'd stolen the place that made me happy. I did not respond well. I went to the bar, ordered a double gin and a pint, downed both, went outside to be sick and punched the wall. Luckily it did not hurt too much, I've not got the best of punches. So I want to be in a relationship. I want to be happy again. Except I don't. I don't want to be hurt that badly again. She was perfect for me and if that didn't last then what are the chances of it lasting with anyone else. I think I would consider a relationship with someone who was really seemingly perfect, but these don't exist, so I stay away. I get offers for dates etc (not like all the time, but they are there) but I don't go. A drink can lead to further things, and they always lead to pain, at least in my head, so I just don't let the ball start rolling. As you can guess, this section does not make me happy.


(Sorry if you have read this and found it depressive, but be safe in the knowledge you've just read what I'm sure is my longest post here)