Decisions
Hello.
We havent had an ‘everything is hopeless’ thread for a while so I thought I’d brighten everyones day. I’m facing some decisions now; one big one in particular. Usual story, I don’t expect miracle solutions, im just trying to bounce some ideas off; this is for my own benefit really. A week before I came back from Stirling to live at home in Glasgow (middle of June), my parents separated. Its not a tears before bedtime issue, and it certainly wasn’t out of the blue - they’ve slept in separate bedrooms for a large part of my life, they weren’t talking for a good 2 weeks before that, 3 months prior my dad had been away for over a month on a French language course and they both seemed to be better for the space (although that was never a raised issue in why he went.) I’m 21 now, not a child, so my basic opinion was its their relationship and their decision and fallout, which seemed the logical way of acting. Obviously it doesn’t quite work out like that and it’s a bit harder than it seems. As anyone bored enough to read my threads might remember my mum suffers from very severe Clinical depression and for most of my life has been bedridden, so this has pretty much hit her harder than it would the average person. To sort of compound matters my brother (18) just moved out a week after my dad left to get a flat in the center of town - unrelated to the breakup but mainly because living with my mum is hard work due to her ups and downs and erratic nature, so she’s been struggling with that as well. I could go into years of pointless details but they wouldn’t be of any interest; the summary is My brothers living conditions and quality of life are a complete disaster because he commutes 3 hours a day to work on a phone all day and cant cook - hes home 3 nights a week or something which usually leads to my mum having to get up at silly o clock to take him to work when he stays over - hes wreckless, seriously wreckless - he hasn’t been moved out for 2 months and he’s already trying to get away without paying council tax, and hes going to procure a fake tax disk for when he passes his driving test - add in his terrible hilarious 18 year old dailly mail rule Britannia views, the fact hes just started taking pills (and isn’t someone that can be trusted with them) and is generally terrible with money (brand victim, and he follows Dundee utd home and away every weekend), hes turning into an utter disaster of a worry for both my mum and me. My mums two sisters; one of them has just been diagnosed with MS, divorced about a year ago, and married again already to an American bloke who doesn’t seem to have any source of income or employment (and is wittering away money from his previous marriage). They phone my mum every day about 5 times and talk for hours about nothing - my mum just needs them to leave her alone - but its difficult to tell your sister who is going to be wheelchair bound that you want her to shut up. I was going to have a word with them when they were over (all they seem to do is holiday) but I didn’t get an opportunity/decided against it/bottled it. The other sister is certifiably insane: she was sectioned a few months ago and her kids got taken off her. One of them is now touring the world with a dance act but has no money and no real nous about anything really which is worrying and the other one is about 14, keeps running away from her care homes with boys and was recently caught by the police with Cocaine. My auntie got out of hospital a few weeks ago, only to be readmitted within 2 days for drug use. Settling everything with this side of the family is an amazing hassle, as well as a worry, as you can imagine. Our house is falling to pieces - this might sound stupid, but it really is. We’ve had workmen in basically since april, replastering, taking down ceilings, doing the guttering, painting, recarpeting, sanding, doing the drive, the garden, electrical work - you name it, its broken - mainly down to my dad’s inactivity in maintaining the house or staying on top of anything. We are leaking money - which we don’t have as there is no earner in the family - at an exceptional rate. Must have spent an easy 20k since april and the house looks almost exactly the same, if not worse due to the carnage everything has caused. The workmen are always coming, going, doing bad jobs, requiring supervision or assistance, and its exhausting to have your house full so often - on the days theres no workmen here my mum is so tired she doesn’t want to do any of the personal-labour tasks like rehanging paintings or whatever, so the whole house is a bombsite really, horrible to live in. Another problem is that my Uncle (dads side) divorced at the turn of the year and is in a temporary flat - we are storing all of his stuff just now in a front room - which again, needs to be done up - he isn’t moving out till the end of the month so we’ve had no space when we’ve had to empty all the other rooms to paint or redecorate them (we had to put couches outside one night and pray against rain) - he hasn’t been in touch at all, presumably because hes pissed at my mum, yet its still ok for us to lose the biggest room in our house so he can store his stuff. My great uncle evan died a few months ago, and his wife is pretty much not compus mentus in an old folks home. He didn’t have a will, and his wife barely knows he is dead, to be honest, as shes on deaths door herself. Only living close relatives are a 90 year old sister, and my grandpa - who as well as his own health problems and his 3 crazy daughters to deal with, is frankly a bit of a useless ham fisted twat when it comes to dealing with anything - hes very aggressive and doesn’t listen. So again, its been down to my mum to try and get Yvonne to write a will, look after the house, visit her (she hates my grandpa) - the house has been a disaster as well - broken into once and 3 false alarms with the burglar alarm have meant that we’ve had to do 2 hour round trips at 2am, 7am, and one in the afternoon sometime and deal with the ire of the neighbours, the alarm company, the lawyers (who cancelled the phone so the alarm didn’t work), and my grandpa, who when confused, gets angry at whoevers nearest. As well as her Clinical depression my mum has all the illnesses that come with it - chronic fatigue, to the point where she sleeps 10 hours (when allowed to do so) and has to take at least one nap a day. This is all worked around being phoned to talk about their latest holiday in Greece by her sister, dealing with tradesmen in the house, and all the other crap that’s too numerous to list efficiently and give you any real idea of what its been like. Because apart from going to the toilet she was bedridden for the last 3 years, her fitness is appalling - its getting better now, but in march time when I came back to see her she couldn’t walk 100m without having to stop for a rest for a minute or two. It would be hyper-narcissism to suggest that all this falls on me - it does to an extent, I still have to deal with these issues - but primarily these are concerns my mum has to deal with. The problem is that my #1 concern is her - she doesn’t eat, she didn’t used to even shower for weeks on end, she doesn’t cook for herself or eat anything but biscuits and chocolate - only drinks tea, no water - she got fat before, and now she’s stick thin because she doesn’t/cant eat. I have to pretty much get her up in the morning on the days she just feels too hopeless to get out of bed or wants a rest because when she retreats into her room (which is by the way, a shithole - there are hampers on one half of the bed, papers all over another quarter of it and she sleeps on a tiny corner). I deal with things that I can, fobbing off relatives, going with her to wherever we need to be, cleaning, I do all the cooking, I pay and supervise the tradesmen when need be, and I just renovated my entire attic so we didn’t have to spend another £1200+ doing it. She is going through more than me, but at the same time, I don’t know where she’d be without me. Which leads basically into the decision (before I ramble on for a bit afterwards as well). I’m supposed to be going to Wales to get a masters on September 20th. I’ve applied, been accepted, filled in registration forms, accomodation forms, and I’ve now got them back and all I need to do is send them bank details. But I’m stalling. At this moment in time in my life and my mums life I think it would be unfathomably cruel and selfish of me to leave and go to Wales for a year to get a masters degree - I barely even want it - I only applied because a/ I have the financial backing and b/ I don’t want to get a job. And theres always next year - with my 2.1 and strong references I’m basically able to get into any masters degree I’d ever want. Im not sure Aber would accept me again if I pulled out at this late stage (though I am allowed to do so) but so be it if so. The problem is; despite the fact I’d still be needed around the house/for my mum, I’d probably need/be expected to get a job - which I havent thought about, and frankly avoiding doing has been my raison d’etre. I don’t even know if I could do it to be honest (I was going to go on about how miserable I am but I’ll do that next thread because it would distort the focus of this one) and I’d definitely need to give back the cash I’ve been given off my grandpa. The point is, should I go? I’ve made a pretty convincing ‘no’ argument, but one of the main problems is that my mum cant find I don’t want to go because of her, and she certainly cant find out about my own personal issues. I’m struggling with this, and I only have until August 13th or so to decide. |
Re: Decisions
Dont give up the place. If you decide you dont want to go this year (which doesnt really sound like a great idea given youre just going to end up sitting in glasgow spinning a web of lies while hating your life, but hey) then phone up the uni, explain your situation and ask if you can defer entry till next year.
Also if you dont go this year, what reasonable grounds do you have for thinking that things are going to be any different this time next year? How is you being in Glasgow even going to help? |
Re: Decisions
What can you do to help in Glasgow for the next academic year? Are you really needed (physically) as much as you think, or are you more there for emotional support for your mother?
|
Re: Decisions
In terms of manual labour, there has to come a day when all the heavy lifting will be over and we'll have repaired every room in the house so in that sense physically the time i'm needed for is limited. But the main thing is she wouldnt actually eat if i wasnt here, save for chocolate bars coffee and tea. I force one meal a day down her and occassionally a snack but she wont eat breakfast and manages to dodge most vegetables and things. So physically i'm pretty essential to her "wellbeing" if you could call it well.
|
Re: Decisions
Personally I'm in favour of you going to Aber and not deferring, since I don't think it's right that you should have your life ****ed up because of your family. However, I realise the family pressures and attachments are significant so I'm not going to be a goon and just discount them.
Regarding the care of your mother, is it possible for Social Services to get involved? They're the people who do this job when there's no-one else to do so, so you should be able to compel them to come and help out. |
Re: Decisions
The main points here is she isnt incapable of functioning, she just 'doesnt'. She doesnt need a carer because she can still cook, clean etc on the days on which she is up, and shes cooked a few meals for me and my brother this summer. But when its just her, and often when it was just her and my brother, she just doesnt, and stays in bed all day.
When needs be she is fully functional - when we need to deal with people in the house etc but it tires her out. She can perform for other people but not herself is what i'm saying and shes at her best when she's needed / can see that shes being useful in some way or another. If i wasnt in the house, there wouldnt be any reason for her to ever get out of bed, honestly. The next few months / year are going to bring even more crap family wise obviously, but the main thing is the divorce (not a word thats even been mentioned once in the house, but an inevitability being as my dad has taken up lease on a flat somewhere and they havent spoken a word since he left), and its not like stirling where i could stop back to help out for a few days; i'll be 9 hours away by train (without delays, at the cost of somewhere near £80). The conventional wisdom of 'dont destroy your dreams' is all well and good but you have to weight pretty heavily how indifferent i am about Wales / a masters - its not a life long dream at all, i picked a course near enough at random. Why? Because uni is pretty much the only thing i'm actually quite good at, and i didnt want to challenge myself at all. I'm having 2nd thoughts about Wales that are also independant of this situation anyway, though i cant really pinpoint them. Theres a good chance things wont be different next year, or the year after, or the year after that, and a very strong chance that if i dont go to wales this year, i'll never go, and just live in this house forever. Just now, i'm ok with that. Life's pretty terrible but its a level of terrible i can probably cope with as i dont have to go too far out my comfort zone, and at least this way i know that in one way or another i'm actually useful. |
Re: Decisions
To be honest, if it was me I would probably end up staying at home in some form or other purely as I think if I left I would worry too much and in the end **** up the year anyway. Especially as you don't seem too fussed on going to uni/Aberystwyth. However, I would probably just try to find a university which allowed me frequent travel home rather than give it up completely as I think I would go stark raving mad after a year of that, and probably wouldn't be able to find the motivation to go back to university after taking a year out.
|
Re: Decisions
Quote:
|
Re: Decisions
Quote:
Progress, progress |
Re: Decisions
Quote:
|
Re: Decisions
I honestly never thought I would type this but you should move to Wales. There has been some good advice given here and it would be wise to see if you can get help from Social Services, whether you move to Wales or not, just to try and relieve some of the pressure from you.
When did you finish uni and have you been doing since? If you stay at home, what do you plan to do? What are you going to study in uni? |
Re: Decisions
You should buy her a puppy to occupy her.
btw, was typing wreckless in your first post a Freudian slip or do people actually use it in everyday conversation? |
Re: Decisions
In the spirit of kicking a man while he's down I'd like to point out that at least if you go we'll have new threads complaining about wales, people doing masters degrees, education, the horror of getting a job soon, wales, the welsh language, the welsh people...
It'd probably help your willingness to go if you had a long-term plan to help bootstrap people up or something. That said you probably shouldn't have studied politics if that was your main concern. |
Re: Decisions
Quote:
|
Re: Decisions
Why do you want to go to Wales, anyway? What's the Masters degree you have your eye on?
|
Re: Decisions
let go.
|
Re: Decisions
I did read this thread as soon as it was posted, but I haven't replied yet because I'm a bad person :o Anyway, most things have already been said.
Quote:
I'm not saying that you should get a job right now, it depends on how apathetic you really are about uni. It's worth bearing in mind that a full time job you enjoy* can be a lot better than just going to university in some ways, especially if your only friend in Wales is Spain :o *Whatever that might be, I'm sure such jobs exist :) |
Re: Decisions
|
Re: Decisions
Go to Wales.
You said you couldn't talk to your mum's sisters about the need for them to stay away a bit ... write them a letter. A letter you'll be pretty sure your Aunts will show your mum (so make sure it only casts you in a positive light ... concerned for your mother etc). Tell them that they need to stop relying on your mum so much, that she is going through a difficult time etc. Also find out about getting your mum some help from social services. About your brother ... find out what the punishment for having a fake tax disc is and, if possible, what the chances of getting caught are (if they're high). Also give him the information on taking pills safely. If he knows what's the best way of doing it he might actually follow it. Tell him you would rather he didn't do pills though. |
Re: Decisions
Quote:
|
Re: Decisions
Joke.
|
Re: Decisions
He meant "whoosh" as in "the joke went over your head".
"Spain" is KaneED's nickname in #forums, as he lived in Spain for a year and it rhymes with "Kane". HILARIOUS, I know. He lives in Wales so Deffeh could become KaneED's buddy, bringing his total friend count up to 2 (his other friend being JJ :( ). Explaining jokes makes them funnier though, am i rite?! |
Re: Decisions
I know who Spain/KaneED is, he was in my galaxy last round. :|
I was considering pointing out that fact, but thought a single word would do the trick. Guess not. :( |
Re: Decisions
Yeah, I understood.
|
Re: Decisions
Quote:
|
Re: Decisions
Quote:
message |
Re: Decisions
And..
<== This means I should stop posting now that I'm still green, rite?! :( ps. I am in dire need of a good shag, why else do you think I pay for stuff on a date? |
Re: Decisions
Quote:
Most people over here don't give a shit about it, in some cases however it's a rather proper tool to tell people to stop sucking at the internet. |
Re: Decisions
Quote:
Shit! I mis-remembered your decision date as August 16th. So what did you decide anyways dawg? |
All times are GMT +1. The time now is 20:43. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2002 - 2018