Drifting towards 21
So im getting older, i turn 21 on burns day.
I am desperately unhappy and not sure how to change things, as realistically im about to enter my prime and things, at least physical health wise, are only going to get worse. To review; Every year i seem to get more and more disassociative. Severing ties, losing contact with people, remaining aloof, periodically falling out with people after convincing myself they are out to get me. Its bizarre, i do this internal witch hunt thing, in which i plan ahead long series of argument and detail anecdotal evidence which to use against a person. For my birthday im going to do the typical 'drink all day' thing, but probably just in the flat, because i dont want to trouble people to come out. The thing is as well, for all the people i 'know', the amount of people i even 'go for a drink with' is desperately small. I suspect my birthday will be me and 4 friends in the flat, and it'll be a mediocre occasion. The thing is, to try anything bigger would just be embarrassing. Im toying with whether to even bother asking my Glasgow friends to come up to Stirling, i dont want to obligate them, and i also dont want confirmation from a lot of them that i would go to their birthdays, but they wouldnt go to mine. Even more than that, i dont want anyone to spend money getting here / on me, for what, like i said, will be an incredibly mediocre affair, probably involving me playing music on my laptop and showing videos on youtube to my guests. I dont even know if i'll invite Dace up and when you're not sure if you want to risk inconveniencing Dace or not shit isnt good. This isnt to say ' i have no friends :( ' - i know plenty of people, i just find myself caring so little about what any of them think, say, do, etc etc that im under no illusion that i should expect them to do the same for me. When im 'on top of things', im reasonably good in social settings. But i dont care enough about keeping people happy, or keeping up appearances or anything like that. Ive also realised that the people i do keep in regular contact with are mostly pretty simple, and the relationships i own are very one dimensional. I surround myself with persons of mediocre intellect so it makes my slightly above the national average brain feed my ridiculous ego. I am the best student out of any of my friends in glasgow or stirling, for example - the ones that didnt drop out that is. Mentally, im in a pretty bad situation in that i dont really have much of a fallback for when things go poorly. Especially regarding my family - who considering my mother has Clinical Depression, and my Auntie has Manic Depression (she was actually just committed a few weeks ago and her kids taken off her) are pretty terrible at understanding my aforementioned disassociative posture. They dont know im on meds, or how bad ive felt most of my life, because its easier that way. Even if i did for some bizarre reason want to share it, to do so would be selfish, considering the financial and emotional worries they have not just of their own, but due to the combined problems of two nutter families (the aforementioned auntie isnt the only one in a home or an institution). People keep dying too on both sides, and theres more to come in the near future i would suspect. I'll attend the funerals, show face, but its rather hard to be continually criticised for not being more family orientated etc when i feel.. nothing, towards other human beings. Part maybe of my issue with family is its a tie you cant fully sever, and i hate being obligated to people. I really dont feel anything about any of them, except quite a lot of anger and resentment towards my mum. I havent had sex in well over a year and a half, and have never actually did the whole 'chase' thing myself, relationships i just sort of fell into. I have no sex drive. Combined with my complete distaste for and disinterest in the human race, my misogyny is at such a level that i cant really forsee me ever having a relationship again, especially given the typical role played by the man in the courting process. Regards meds; im always aware from both the internet, and my immediate family that there are supposedly a significant portion of people who 'have it worse', their numbers timescales and doses produce a better resume. Part of the thing with depression is in some sort of horrible way you guard it and are even 'attached' to it. You are also very much aware that considering the scope of the illness, you dont really stand out from the crowd by being 'depressed'. Im probably better on them than off them, but i get lulls, like the last few days, where it just seems impossible to go on. If you havent experienced it, theres nothing that can explain the nightmare of knowing yourself you arent angry with anyone or anything, or upset about anyone or anything, but being unable to rationalise it as a chemical imbalance. I'd like to think that even now i'm reasonable rational and coherent enough to suggest that im not depressed about anything in particular, i just feel like shit. Recently ive been waking up in the night terrified someone is going to break in, have barricaded the door and what not, checked its locked on several occasions during the night. Today when walking to the bus stop i ducked when someone was walking towards me because i was so sure they were going to take a swing at me, the person looked at me like i was crazy. I went to the gym to try and get the adrenaline flowing, managed a 45 minute or so workout but quit due to apathy rather than tiredness. I did push myself pretty hard and lasted longer than i have before in similar mental states, but after a while parts of my body just wouldnt respond. So, Im getting older and i need to make some better choices in my life. I eat well, ive gotten help in the form of medication psychiatry and psychology, i exercise 5 or 6 times a week, i take vitamin tablets and olive oil capsules, eat my 5 a day, cut out the fizzy drinks again. Its just pretty devestating that i dont seem to be reaping much reward from any of the positive action ive taken. |
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cod liver oil, my bad.
Maybe i should hook up with horn and form a band. or just rape a few prostitutes |
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Maybe you should try to get some better friends. I don't wish to sound cndescending but if you're purposely surrounding yourself with 'inferior' people to make yourself feel better about your current state then this isn't really going to encourage personal growth and you will just continue in a rut.*
I suggest you move into a house with horn and Yahwe and use it as the basis for a sit-com.** *this may or may or may not be complete and utter drivel. **modern-day tragedy. |
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Your 21st birthday celebration sounds a lot more lively than mine was. Either way, there's nothing much I can advise except "Try to develop a positive attitude" which is both unhelpful and probably unfeasible in the circumstances.
For what it's worth I found life has got better as it's gone on and although I envision physical collapse at some point, it obviously doesn't happen overnight. If anything, I feel better and sharper than I did a few years ago, and that's with a pretty much weekly pounding of my brain for the last two years. I have no idea what your life will hold, but you'll probably have a realistic option of never having to speak to your family ever again within a couple of years. For me, having that option at least was pretty important. |
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Seems relatively normal, the paranoia aside (which could be a combination of drugs and growing up in Glasgow) im unsure what you want us to say to you. Most people who aren't alpha males like tomkat* don't have a billion interesting things going on in their lives and aren't 'winners'. I'm not being harsh :( but what exactly 'do you want'?? 30 friends of which you're the conversation steerer and everyone looks up to you? they'd probably think you're a **** behind your back. If i were to ask you what would make you happy (what 'reward you want to reap'), we could list out relationships/money/a car etc but ultimately you'd get used to and bored of everything on that list. Life isn't a movie where things work out and you get a 'happy ending'. Pretty much everything moves in cycles, didn't you point just a few weeks ago that your friends in glasgae were on hardcore drugs and you were glad you weren't like them? Isn't that a reward you've reaped?
You'll never feel completely content and pretending that if you just get the perfect partner/more money/better friends everything will be okay from then on till the day you die is ridiculous**. You'll never ever have enough money, you'll never find a woman who just shuts up and has sex with you before cleaning everything up or friends who you don't grow a little bored of because you've heard it all before. Happy birthday :) *dear oh dear TK, the internet will never let you forget **admitedly you haven't done this, only been a little emo |
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You could go to a gay bar dressed as a Pirate in hopes to get laid, maybe you'll even manage to get it up if the chance comes along.
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it was called the youtube party i had 2 (two) friends over, and we whatched a lot of videos while my girlfriend would grunte and told us to get tha feck out of the room once in a while( unfortunantly my computer is in the master chamber so it gets a little shitty sometimes) i thought that was nice however, the way you phrased it make my 'party' look rather depressing:crymeariver: no wonder these friends never came back :( ay ay on my behalf i can say that when i started dating this girl which studied with me, all my so called friends ( which where the ones wich also studied with me[the diameter of my social life is quite expressive, isnt it?]) backed off, because they didnt want me to call me up to do stuff, knowing that i would aways be 'busy' with her so the time went by and i got more and more estranged and now i have no friends left from college i graduated and i still have the same ammount of friends i had when i entered and thats my great social achievement:D in short: life is exactly like that. you have no one but you to make you keep going... so be nice on yourself. be a good company to you:salute: |
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As you get older, your Inner Circle of friends naturally decreases, people move on with their lives, move in with a girl/boy, change jobs and citys, go to uni, start to hang in different areas/pubs, find different interests etc.
As feelings of obligation to come to your 21st, its party, there is no obligation involved, they either say yes or no, reasons for not comming will be, i'm broke (after all it is january), i have other commitments and holding it on a week night for the workers would create problems too. How you celebrate your 21st happily is your choice, do that which you wish to do .. 4 friends .. booze and a some *cough* dvd's is as legitimate as partying into the night with lots of people. I did my 21st with 3 other girlys sat on my new undecorated lounge floor, chatting, drinking, eating and watching videos. ( i had just moved .. i had little cash, and little time) |
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My birthday is actually tomorrow, I'll be 23. I've never had a decent one.
For my 21st I, and disappointingly all my friends who lived with and next door to me, forgot my birthday - I'd like to think that it's because of the stress of exams etc but I felt like it was something deeper or that they didn't care. I got a call at 4pm local from my parents (who are in Texas, USA) singing me a happy birthday. As I listened to them singing on the phone I brought up my desktop calendar and noticed it was the 24th, and I felt so unbelieveably shit I almost cried. After they hung up I went next door and got the guys together, we went to a supermarket and bought some beer and BBQ crap, and had an OK night - but as Deffeh said - mine too was a very mediocre affair with nobody really too interested and my feeling shit because I, and more importantly, my friends had forgotten. My 22nd I moved to a new part of the UK for my masters, Leicester, and became severely depressed. I didn't know anyone in the area and I didn't want to make any friends althought it would have been easy. I avoided all social situations (which is a far-cry from the usual me) and tried to busy my time with women, beer and games - and I wasn't sad about anything in particular, not lonely per-say (I still had visitors and classroom friends) - i completely understand what Deffeh means. I was on meds for a long time, and as chance would have it I met my girlfriend and joined her circle of friends which pulled me out of my slump a bit. Today I'm off the meds (despite my doctor warning me that it might not be a good idea) and living with her in Blackpool, but I'm starting to feel the same again - I don't want her to be my everything, but for tomorrow, my birthday, none of my friends could come to visit. I've had to back-date this mediocre affair for the 17th February, and even then only 4 of them are coming. i'm also considering going back on the meds, but the only ones I foudn that worked for me have quite bad sexual side-effects. I wouldn't want to tell my girlfriend because she wouldn't understand (and would probably turn it around on me/herself saying "what have i done wrong" which always pisses me off) so I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to slowly slip into depression again (even though everything seems to be going great). It is a chemical imbalance and sometimes there's nothing anyone can do, but at the moment I feel like I can't even get help. Deffeh here's a big }e-hug{ , because I'm going through exactly what you are x For |
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Btw my 21st B-day i spend studying in a far off town ( it was saturday, and i had this huge exam on monday, and no one except my parents remembered and I was all alone.
And i boisterously flunked in the exam, with a notorious 4,2/10 Come to think of it... that was very ****ing miserable :( my 22th was with my gf and 'friends' same with the 23th... they were allright :) |
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Physical health-wise, unless you are already some kind of Adonis, there's plenty of scope for improvement as you get older. Maturity brings different benefits, but they can outweigh simple youth provided you take reasonable care of yourself (of course, that's a big 'if', but my point is that there is no destiny of inevitable decline, at least for another 20 years or so). Quote:
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Intelligence is not a linear scale, with some people higher and others lower. You are probably very intelligent in some ways (I don't post much on GD, but I read it a lot and your posts are amongst the more intelligent amongst a group that is probably skewed towards above-average intelligence already (yes, I realise what a terrible condemnation of the human race calling GD posters 'above average' is)). On the other hand, you probably have some deficiencies (and I don't necessarily mean the cliched 'smart but socially inferior' thing, I mean that there are probably genuine intellectual blindspots). You seem to be worried about the idea that there are other people who are intellectually 'better' than you in some ways; this is undoubtedly true, but you will be better than them in other ways. The best analogy I can think of is comparative advantage; the point being that you will never be the best at everything, and trying to be so is counter-productive. Quote:
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To sum up, I'd guess that your main problem is that you don't see yourself as a valuable member of the human race (oh god, that sounds like so much hippie bullshit, I'm vaguely disgusted with myself for typing it). I'd disagree with that, and I hope that you realise that you are probably a much better person than you think, and for reasons that you probably don't appreciate. Yeah, I know, that's not much help. But there's no magic secret, there's just a bunch of people making their way through life in the best way that they can. |
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Quite a few people here seem rather upset that their friends didn't remember their birthday. I can barely remember any of the birthdays of my friends or family and I only remembered it was my birthday soon when my mother reminded me two days before. I don't think it's one of those things people (young males in particular) generaly remember and will need reminding. If you just around hoping for everyone you know to remember then you're just asking for a fall.
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I do this sometimes, although usually only when someone has severely pissed me off. I like to think that when it comes to a face to face discussion I can argue a point better than most, but if I'm emotionally invested in what I'm saying (read: very angry) it all tends to go to shit. So I guess I prepare in advance to use my cutting rapier wit. Or something. Anyway it's not THAT unusual I guess. |
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[quote=All Systems Go]Quite a few people here seem rather upset that their friends didn't remember their birthday. I can barely remember any of the birthdays of my friends or family and I only remembered it was my birthday soon when my mother reminded me two days before. I don't think it's one of those things people (young males in particular) generaly remember and will need reminding. If you just around hoping for everyone you know to remember then you're just asking for a fall.[/QUOTE
i dunno its just one day one day in a whole year!! it isnt much to ask for write it down put in the calendar PDA notepads Journal they are out there man and they help you remember stuff.... if you are willing in sum: it isnt too much to ask for, it really improves the "birthdayee" to get by on such a sucky day, and you can remember if you want. If you dont want to remember, its cos that people isnt of any priority at all. |
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Edit: If a husband forgets his wedding anniversary does that mean he doesn't love his wife and they should get divorced? |
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Apparently Ketamine helps to tackle depression. |
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Pull yourself together Deffeh.
If you don't care about yourself or your birthday how can you expect anyone else to? Also maybe if you weren't so cynical and critical of everything and everyone (and a little more open minded and accepting) maybe you'd have better friends :( |
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But most depression seems to involve incredible levels of self-absorption so I can see some logic in drugs which affect the ego (albeit temporarily) being used in such cases. Bit unpredictable though. |
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And your self-esteem shouldn't rely on hanging around with losers, either. That seems like a sure fire way to become more of a loser in most cases. |
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About the hanging around with losers, I've never done that, you probably weren't talking about me. But this brings up something else, for example my best friend gets all the girls' attention, surely that's not good for my self esteem either? ps. Why do I have like 750 or so reputation points yet is my rep power 0? I tried to posrep milo for one of the posts inhere the other day and all I could produce was a gray blob. |
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I think you might have to make 50 posts first. Not sure though.
That "You Are Gay" account confuses me though. T&F either has a severe split personality or we're being invaded by the homophobic element of the British government. |
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Interesting, I wonder who is registering gimmick accounts from gov.uk then. Tell him I miss him, we've been nine days without a T&F post :(
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They are getting internet at their new dwelling tonight or tomorrow I think. \o/
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Also, while it might not work with attractiveness, I've generally found that when a friend has achieved something cool it's increased my motivation to do better personally. Your idea of what a normal level of attainment is influenced by your peers. If all your mates are heroin addicts then that lifestyle is probably normalised to a certain extent. I think I'm doing "OK" career wise at least partially because I'm vaguely similar to what most of my friends have achieved. If everyone I knew was a CEO then I'd probably think I was pretty shit. |
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I turn 21 in April, my girlfriend turned 18 last November.
I feel old :( |
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Perhaps it is somewhat apathetic. I certainly can't summon up the sneering resentment that I used to have towards those I disliked, mostly because I now think that there's good in most people, and that even if there were not, I would not be the best person to judge. I simply avoid those I dislike. I suppose it's worth mentioning that I am pretty laid back generally, so perhaps I'm unusual in that regard. You seemed to be suggesting that this might be a sort of resigned apathy, but it certainly doesn't feel that way to me. Quote:
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This is one these cases like the sentece 'humans are always asking themselves why arent they happy, while all the other animals can just be'. If you start dissecting everything - from social relations to the essence of love - sure you are going to find only egoistic and depressing things. The more you think about it, the more sucky it seems, and if you dont have the guts, dont go there. This should be the motto for a lot of people just 'be':) Quote:
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But who can be bothered with that? doubt I would feel better if I felt obligated to call someone on a specific day. Quote:
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If I want to earn more money because my friend is earning more than me than I could go and get a second job, or I could put in more hours and look for a promotion, etc. In fact, I can't think of many things that I ever seriously could say I "want" which wasn't at least partially under my control. Sure, if I want to be the most beautiful boy in the world then day-dreaming then wanting it more is unlikely to have much of an effect. But then I am sensible enough not to dwell on these things, if they even occur to me. Quote:
There are undoubtedly people with high self-esteem who maintain this by being a big fish in a small pond and continuously outshining their peers, but I'm not sure I'd like to be one of those people. Most of the people who have (imho) justified levels of high self-esteem surround themselves with other talented people who inevitably surpass them in certain areas. Of those people I've encountered who did have real losers for friends I don't think any of them were particularly happy or had a particularly good self-image. |
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When did All Systems Go become so lairy and argumentative? :(
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It's not working. :( |
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I turned 30 a week or so ago. Life gets better, but then I was pretty happy at 21. Being a Marine, getting drunk, running around, Hawai'i, Okinawa, beaches, girls, clubs. It was good. I dunno, maybe it's the UK weather.
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I just hit my 21 at the end of last year. I'm a student, getting drunk, girls, clubs. Perhaps I miss the sun too. Suppose Hawai'i would be pretty fkin zen. Maybe I'll try drop by as an exchange student. Is there an uni there?
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I am 21. Even though I am in a shit job (I'm talking about the pay and career aspects, not the bitches and the fact I don't do much) I am enjoying my life. I watch the villa once every two weeks, see my friends, go clubbing, go to the cinema, try and chat up girls. **** it my life aint perfect, but its what you make of it.
I fail to see how you can get so depressed and down and shit. It sounds harsh but I just dont understand it. No one else is going to feel sorry for you, so why feel sorry for yourself. Find something you enjoy doing, go and do it? Instead of pissing in a bin, why don't you go travelling for a month or two. |
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We are animals that evolved under strong social cenarios. Being an outcast = death in most primates today, and evidence sugest the same of our ancestors. Not following 'sociological constructs', as you put it, is almost as bad as not eating, hence the evolutionary effect is about the same as not reproducing. If you have grown in a normal family, chances are that your birthday is going to be a very ****ing important day. And you are going to look up to that during most of your childhood. This way, this harwired social scheme which is mounted in our brain is going to have this feed "Birthdays are important" which just wont wash off. You can Undermine it, you can say it doesnt matter, W/E, it still be there. Just like the aforementioned guy wouldnt be in any healthier mental state if he just run off with his acquiescent mother to a far off island. In short, it does not matter if it is a social construct or not, as the affects are roughly the same. Our brains have evolved to such an uninimaginable size that food water and sex is just not enough. We need more to be happy. We need decent Birthdays. Thats were we are at. |
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I'm in regular contact with my friends whose birthday I would know. the odds of everyone forgetting about it is quite slim so there's generally no problem. With people I don't see regularly or very often at all the need/desire to contect them on their birthday diminishes and to send a message may bring them some happiness but not getting into contact will not bring them unhappiness. Quote:
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Whilst this is evidently not a desirable option it does show that with enough time sociological constraints can be overthrown and in many cases this is a good thing. Negative attitudes to sex between unrelated, unmarried people used to (and still is by some) be seen as a sin. Constantly being told that sex is dirty and sinful can cause serious problems in later life (particularly for women) and even after marriage cannot enjoy it. Should we tell them that they should just accept feeling bad for no reason for the rest of their lives? Quote:
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However, you (not neccesarilly you, just in general) are young, educated, free, single what else do you need? Someone to spoon feed you happiness? If I am unhappy I do something about it. I try and pick myself up and go and expose myself to real life. Life is never as bad as you make it. It's always bad at that moment, hell I thought I was going to explode the last week of writing my disseratation. I wanted to drop out of university. I wanted to **** the last 3 years because I was struggling with it. But you know what, if I believed the crap that my head spouts out, I would of done so. But I did it. Yes it was hard. Yes I didnt get much sleep for about a week. Yes my diet consisted of Marlboro Lights and Coca Cola, however I got through it. There's no point backing down, take on challenges. Don't get weak and stay strong. Like I said earlier, no one actually truly gives a f*ck about you, other than yourself. People said to me, but how Simon, how the hell do you pull? To which I tell them look if I don't back myself, no one else will. It is 100% true. If I don't believe I have the ability to meet young ladies, I certainly won't meet them. Why would anyone date me, when I wouldn't date me. This has gone off on a random tangent. While I am going off on one. Birthdays? How old are you all? Are you 5 still? Are you incapable of getting together your friends, or do you need your parents to send out the Turtles Invitations and prepare the Goody Bags. Get a grip. Since I was 13 I was organising my birthdays and each year people tell me what fun they have. This surprise birthday crap is shite anyway. If you want to celebrate what is your birth then do something about it. I don't really give a crap whether it's my birthday it's just an exscuse to get together for a party. And you know what? Each year I have fun. It goes back to my philosophy, no one will give you anything in life, you have to make your own luck. You are all intelligent young men. At your peak. Why you can't realise that it is only you who can forge your own destiny, only you who can control your sucess. No one is holding anyone back. Yeah f*ck the system man. Seriously only you are holding you back. Quote:
I don't. However I must question to use of pills when you are feeling depressed, down, emo whatever. I don't understand drugs to criticise or preach. I understand why people use them and respect that. However I can imagine the situation that you describe. If I was in a "comedown" I would think of the great time I head when I was feeling ecstatic. I wouldn't dwell (or least of all try to) in the comedown. It is easier saying that. I am fully aware that I would feel all emo and shit and I am sure I couldn't cope with it, but if comedowns were bad I would try and get myself out of them. |
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